The Save The Marriage Podcast

• Should True Love be Effortless??

  Maybe you have heard these lines: "Love should just happen." "This is just too much work." "I'm not feeling it, so it must not be true love." "I just don't feel the attraction/excitement I used to feel.  Something is wrong." Have you ever been told something so many times that you begin to doubt yourself?  You begin to believe what the other person (an upset spouse, friends, family, etc.) says -- even if it goes against what you (think you) believe. Our notions about love are like that.  And unfortunately, those romanticized notions of love are what we grow up on.  We are fed them by movies, books, songs, and culture. But Authentic Love is different.  It is not devoid of romance.  It is just not based on it.  Romanticized love is based on 4 unsustainable elements.  Authentic Love is based on 4 sustainable elements, and in your control. "I'm not feeling it" is not a reason to end a marriage.  It is a reason to reconsider the working definition of love. Don't be sucked in by the view of love in the movies, in the books, in songs, and that others around you might have.  It is dangerous, and misguided. (No, I am not against romance -- unless it is used as the "litmus test" of a relationship.  Otherwise, it is great!) Listen to the podcast below. RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST: Interview with Bob Grant The Save The Marriage System

  --------  

  23:37
• The Problem(s) with Marital Therapy (the Therapist WON’T Tell You)

  Let me say it here, in writing:  I am NOT opposed to marital therapy.  I am quite concerned, however, on how marital therapy happens now.  I am concerned about the effectiveness of marital therapy.  And I am concerned for people who blindly seek out marital therapy, expecting it to help. If you don't know it, my training and background is as a marriage and family therapist.  I spent years, and several degrees, preparing to be a marriage therapist. And I was pretty disillusioned to see how ineffective marital therapy, overall, has been shown to be.  Statistics are about the bigger view, not the specific therapist with a specific couple.  But from the overall view, according to meta analysis of studies, about 75% of people who go to marital therapy still divorce.  Only around 10-15% report a positive help. Now, you see my issues.  Why, if this is the primary way of helping a marriage, is it so ineffective?  Three reasons:  1) Therapist training, 2) Therapist orientation, 3) Client resistance. Listen in to this podcast to understand the issues.  Then, you can make a better choice about whether therapy makes sense, how to find a good therapist, and how to make sure you and your spouse are truly ready for therapy. (And if you aren't, that doesn't mean there is nothing you can do!  That is why I created the Save The Marriage System, and why we offer Relationship Coaching.)

  --------  

  23:46
• Malice vs. Neglect

  Many times, I watch couples caught in a spiral of accusations, each convinced of maliciousness on the part of their spouse.  But I don't think that is actually it. In fact, many times, both people in front of me seem to be hurting, but not malicious. Which is why it seems so clear to me that maliciousness is not (usually) the issue. I have that "usually" in there, because there are abusive relationships... in which case, someone is actually malicious (and that marriage should not be saved, at least at that time). You may be familiar with Occam's Razor.  Well, there are other "razors."  For example, Hanlon's Razor states, "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."  Which has led me to Baucom's Razor:  "No need to attribute to malice what is actually the result of neglect." In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss how we get to this point of neglect, why it is so detrimental, and why it matters that you see Baucom's Razor in process.  And of course, all of that is aimed to help you reverse the damage and save your marriage. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection Matters The Pause Button to Avoid The Save The Marriage System

  --------  

  18:30
• Forgiveness – NOT a Blank Check

  Just to be clear, I am ALL FOR forgiveness.  I have talked about on the Save The Marriage Podcast and on my Thriveology Podcast. And in a marriage, there are ample opportunities to practice forgiving.  "Every-day forgiving" and big-time forgiving.  In such an intimate relationship, you are going to step on toes, hurt each other's feelings, make bad decisions -- and still have to figure out how to move forward.  You do that by forgiving. BUT (and this is a big BUT, which is why I capitalized it and bolded it) that does not mean the "forgiven" has carte blanche to keep up the behavior that required the forgiving. (By the way, not to chase a tangent, but did you know that carte blanche means "white card" or "blank card," meaning a check that is blank, but has been signed?  In other words, a "blank check.") When someone is forgiven, it is not permission to do "it" (whatever the "it" is that causes the need for forgiveness).  Forgiving is a decision to move forward.  It may or may not include moving forward in relationship.  But it is deciding to move forward in the face of something that happened. There is a saying that "the first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice." I would add, "the third time, on, it is a habit."  Forgiving something is not an open opportunity to repeat the behavior. Similarly, an apology is not an opportunity to repeat the behavior.  It is an acknowledgement of a mistake and an opportunity for change. One apologizes AND takes the opportunity to change (I have a podcast on apologizing).  One forgives, SO THAT the hurt and pain can be left behind. Listen to the podcast below for more. (. . . and if you need to catch up on the Immutable Laws Of Marriage series, here are the older episodes:) Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series #1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE #2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery) #3 We ALL Have Fear #4 There Is NO Pause #5 Connection Is The Lifeblood #6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress #7 Love Is What You Do #8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse #9 You Have To Show Up #10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice #11 Trust Is A Gift

  --------  

  14:10
• It’s NOT the Event!

  I used to notice how often an engaged couple would become so focused on getting married -- the wedding -- that they had a hard time focusing on what the process of being married would be. The reason this concerned me is because I know what happens next. And unless they make a shift, their marriage will hit a disconnect event, a moment of hurt. At the other end... when a marriage is hurting and in trouble, I watch as people once again focus on an event or a moment.  Perhaps it was that moment when a spouse says, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."  Or perhaps it is an event, like separation or even divorce. Those events and moments hurt.  But they provide no path back to a loving and connected marriage.  To get there, you need to focus on something else, not the moment or the event. Let's talk about where to shift your focus, and where, so that you can restore your marriage. RELATED RESOURCES: The Save The Marriage System The Importance of Connection 3C's of Restoring Dangers of The Pause Button

  --------  

  21:36

More Health & Wellness podcasts

Trending Health & Wellness podcasts

About The Save The Marriage Podcast