NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

Christmas is supposed to feel joyful — but for many women healing from narcissistic abuse, it feels heavy, tense, and emotionally exhausting. If you notice anxiety creeping in, your body staying on high alert, or old wounds resurfacing at Christmas — even if you’re no longer in the relationship — this episode will help you understand why. In this Christmas special, we’re breaking down why narcissists often get worse during the holidays, how Christmas activates trauma stored in the nervous system, and what you can do to protect your peace without forcing yourself to feel festive. In this episode, you’ll learn: Why narcissists are especially triggered by Christmas and family-centered events How holiday expectations create the perfect environment for manipulation and control Why your nervous system reacts before your mind can explain it Common ways narcissists sabotage Christmas, both subtly and overtly How to create a more regulated, emotionally safe holiday experience Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free) Learn how to set and hold boundaries without spiraling into guilt or over-explaining. https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250 If you’re ready for deeper, supported healing — especially during emotionally charged seasons like the holidays — I offer longer-term 1:1 containers designed to help you stabilize, rebuild, and reclaim your peace over time. 3-Month Container Focused support to stabilize your nervous system, strengthen boundaries, and begin rebuilding peace and self-trust. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/ 6-Month Container Extended support to deepen the work, practice boundaries in real life, and integrate new patterns with consistency. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/ 12-Month Container Long-term mentorship and steady support while you rebuild your life at a grounded, sustainable pace. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/ Additional Support & Resources Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts: https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/ Empowered Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/ Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade Questions or support: https://christyjade.podbean.com/e/ep-5-the-grey-rock-method-how-to-disconnect-from-narcissistic-abusers/   TRANSCRIPT Speaker 1 (00:00): Hello, queens. If you have ever found yourself thinking, why does Christmas feel so heavy? Or why am I on edge when everyone else seems excited? This episode is for you because when you've dealt with a narcissist, Christmas doesn't really feel festive. It feels like pressure, performance, and emotional landmines. So today we're going to talk about why narcissists get worse at Christmas and why your body reacts before your mind even knows what's happening. Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back? Well, you're in the right place, Queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom, and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dried ice, and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here. To feel free, I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted. (01:07): Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun, because I'm sparkly in fun, so of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep that chamomile tea, silence all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up. Okay. So welcome back. I'm Christie Jade. If you are new here, welcome, welcome. This is Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. All the fun things about understanding the narcissist, recovering from the narcissist, starting your new life maybe without the narcissist or how to navigate if you do have to keep in touch with the narcissist, right? But the holidays can be so tricky in all of those ways. So if you're listening to this wall wrapping presents, sitting in your car, hiding in the bathroom, maybe with the chocolate, or trying to hold it together while everyone else is talking about how magical the season is, I want you to know something. (02:11): Nothing is wrong with you. If Christmas brings up dread instead of joy, if your chest feels tight, if you feel on edge, emotional or maybe numb and disconnected, this episode is going to help you. All right? So why do narcissists get worse at Christmas? You may have guessed this or felt like they do, but why would they? Let's start there. Christmas is emotionally loaded. A lot of expectations, as we all know, traditions, family pressure, kids making memories, performance, right? There's a lot of performing going on and narcissists thrive in environments like this. Christmas gives them built-in attention, right? Built in guilt, built in control, the big runner of their life, and built in audience. I say this because it's especially true here. The holidays are like a narcissist Super Bowl. Okay? They don't experience Christmas as connection like we do. They experience it as an opportunity. (03:19): So this could be an opportunity to control the mood, to play the victim, to be the hero. That's often a big one around holidays. Or quietly sabotage joy without looking like the bad guy. And if kids are involved, which I know a lot of you are co-parenting, Christmas becomes leverage, schedules, gifts, plans, traditions. It's all emotionally charged and it's easy to manipulate. And who's really good at manipulating? Yes, yes. Leonard. So if you ever thought, why is he or she so much worse at Christmas, you're not imagining it. There is a pattern. Okay? This goes also for other holidays and birthdays, especially yours. So you can use some of this stuff also in relation to those. So what are some common ways they ruin Christmas? We're going to name this clearly because clarity is coming for our pretty little nervous systems. So narcissists often ruin Christmas by creating last minute chaos. (04:31): You have a plan, you've maybe created that plan with them. They're going to maybe burn it to the ground just because, nothing like a little last Christmas chaos, last minute chaos. Picking fights right before events, right? Right before, maybe it's the kid trade-off. Maybe if you do kind of co-parent and have meals together, I don't know if that's possible with some, even though you're not comfortable, you may do it anyway because you have done some people pleasing in your life. Maybe you do it for the kids. They will pick fights right before or even during these events. (05:11): They can ruin it by withholding affection, cooperation or money like they do in a relationship. So if you are still in a relationship with them, or even if you are not, they can use especially the money thing during times where there's gift giving. They can play the victim when boundaries are set, like your boundaries or some awful weapon when it's just protecting you and your peace, maybe your child's peace, and making everything about their feelings or quietly draining the joy with tension, size, passive comments. It depends on what type of narcissist they are. It's not always loud. It can be somewhat subtle sometimes you have to look for it. And that subtlety is what can make you doubt yourself though, right? Those specific type of narcissists. You're like, "Am I being too sensitive? Maybe I'm reading into this. Why can't I just enjoy this? It's Christmas." But your nervous system knows something your mind keeps trying to override. (06:21): Your nervous system knows something. Your mind is trying to just kind of dismiss. Okay? So why Christmas triggers you even if you're out? (06:37): This is the part I really want you to hear. Christmas doesn't just trigger memories, which you can. It triggers stored survival responses. Your body remembers the walking on eggshells. It remembers managing moods, someone's specific moods. It remembers performing happiness. It remembers trying to keep the peace. It remembers bracing for something to go wrong. I want you to feel that one, okay? You feel that in your nervous system? I know you do. The body remembers that feeling. Bracing for something to go wrong, just waiting on pins and needles for something to go wrong because it always does. Even if the narcissist isn't physically present in your daily life anymore, your nervous system learned Christmas equals vigilance. And here's the grief aspect. There's grief for the family hoped for, the Christmas you wanted, hoped for, the version of joy that never felt safe. (07:55): It's like you became comfortable with a joy that was not safe, if that makes sense. And society makes this harder because everyone says, "But it's Christmas," which can make you in turn feel broken or like something's wrong with you or not feeling the same elated joy that others are, but you're not broken. You're responding normally to abnormal experiences. I'll say that again. You're responding normally to abnormal experiences that have taken place. So a quick somatic reset. Let's give your nervous system a moment of safety here. Okay? Wherever you are, just pause. And if you're driving, save this for later. But if you're not and you're in a place you can do this, look around and find one thing your eyes naturally want to rest on. Mine obviously, again, want to rest on a flamingo, because why not? They're so fun and pink and gorgeous and just make me happy. (09:10): All right? But don't analyze it. Just notice it. (09:15): This gaze. Now name three things you can see. Two things you can physically feel. I've got a little fuzzy blanket next to me, like pay attention to the texture. And then one thing that feels even slightly comforting right now. Okay. Once you've done that, you can slow, slowly breathe in through your nose, long exhale through your mouth. Nothing to fix. Nothing to force. Reminding your body, I am safe in this moment. Okay? And how do you protect your piece this Christmas? It's not about creating the perfect Christmas. Okay? I don't know if any of us really have that. It's about creating a regulated one. So a few things that can actually help. First, lowering your expectations strategically. So not as defeat, but as a protection, right? Not saying, "Oh, all that. " Not making it so heavy, but more like, "You know what? I'm going to try to enjoy myself as much as I can, might not be perfect, and I'm going to place my boundaries up. (11:04): I'm going to lower my expectations." Giving permission to have lower expectations, right? Giving permission. It's okay. I'm in a situation where I might not have that elated joy right now. Maybe that'll change in the future, but right now I'm not there. So I'm going to lower my expectations so I actually can have a little more joy. It sounds weird, but that is how it works. (11:33): As a protection for yourself. Next, shorten visits and conversations. Gray rock method the heck out of the narcissist if you can. If you don't know what that is, I'll try to remember to put the link in my description box for the Gray Rock Method episode. Create new neutral traditions instead of forcing old ones. Create something new, right? Decide one boundary you will not negotiate with in relation to this and give yourself permission to opt out of something that costs too much energetically for you. Or maybe it's monetary too. All of these things can wreak havoc on our nervous systems. Spending too much money, too much energy on top of dealing with the trauma you may be dealing with. So we don't need to add the layers on. We don't need to perform. We don't need to have the best thing or the most presence for our kids or the matching pajamas. (12:55): I mean, if I have them, great. I mean, they're cute, but this is not a need here. (13:02): You just need to protect yourself enough to get through it, to get through it. And I do believe the more you do these things and the expectations when you lower and give yourself permission, like, "I'm going to enjoy it in my way," you actually will end up feeling a little more joyful than you may have thought. So your next step, if you're navigating guilt, family pressure, or boundary conversations, I have a free boundaries pocket guide. If you don't have it, it's always in the description box. It's free and it walks you through how to set and hold boundaries without the guilt. (13:47): There's also a boundaries course. If you are like, "I really need help with boundaries," majorly I will put that in there. You can click the link, read about it. And of course, if you want transformational, we are not messing around. I cannot do this anymore energy and you're ready to do the work. And I was just talking to a client about this today. I say the work in quotes because yes, there's certain actions you have to take, but a lot of the work when you work with me is the somatic healing, the body healing where it's like you get a break from really overthinking. And I know a lot of you overthink, including myself, people who've gone through narcissistic abuse, we get all sorts of fun in our head. So we go on journeys together. Think of it as it's healing journeys, visualizations, meditations, all different methods, but you are receiving. (14:57): Instead of doing, you are receiving and you are healing through your body. And it's just refreshing to have that release rather than working and thinking and writing in the journal and all those things have their place. But somatic healing is just something so amazing that you don't really get exactly until you do it. So I try to explain it the best I can and you can click and look at the description further to see if it's a match for what you need right now. I have three month, six month and one year long programs. (15:39): You're going to get transformation no matter what. I actually just now changed. I used to do monthly. I no longer do monthlies because it's just the insane transformation you get at three months, six months to ... It's for something like narcissistic abuse, it's not an overnight fix. Can I do one session and help you? Yeah. Can I do a month? And you'd be like, wow, that was really helpful. Yeah. But I have found the most beneficial for my clients that sweet spot of three months or more is just overwhelmingly transformational. That's the only word I can really use. It's epic, mind-blowing stuff that happens in these sessions, the somatic. And of course, we do coaching and some talk therapy type stuff as well. Depending on where you are in your journey, we may do half a session kind of coaching, the next half hour doing somatic. (16:54): It depends on where you are in your journey and also what that week looks like for you. For example, I had a client this week that there was a lot going on with her ex. And so there was a lot of dialogue between them. So it was kind of thinking about, okay, he did this, talking at logistical and what should I do here? So there was a lot of talking and a lot of what do we do moving forward? Sometimes there's legal stuff involved that I will ... I'm not a lawyer. I will never claim to be a lawyer, but I can help in creating questions for your lawyer and just advising, but never without an attorney stamp. But there's all sorts of stuff we can talk about and sometimes it's talkier. But then I have another client this week that she just was so overwhelmed this week and just she's healing. (17:57): She's much more empowered, but with that empowerment comes the narcissist can sometimes come up a little harder and you feel more empowered, but it's like, woo, okay, I did that. I'm so excited. I was able to do that and set that boundary and stick with that boundary, but I'd love a release. So we did an epic hour long somatic journey where she was just like, "Oh my gosh, this is better than any therapy I've ever had. This is mind blowing." So every session is going to look different for every person. And even for each person, every session won't be exactly the same. Might be 10 minutes of talk, 40 of somatic, might be 40 of somatic, 10 of talk. So I just want to give you a better idea and you can always email me and ask me if you want to jump on a quick call to get more clarity on what the work we do looks like. (19:03): And if you don't know, with the three month and above, which is all my programs that I'm doing right now, they have the bonus of Voxer, which is a walkie-talkie app. You can either leave a voice message. Most my clients just text on it, but in between sessions, you are allowed to text me. And I just got, someone texted just two really big wins they had after our session related to that. So that was cool. And then people will ask questions or, "Hey, I just need a little guidance. What do you think I should do? " Or, "Hey, I just need a little pep talk." Whatever you need between sessions, you get to have that space there. So that's the bonuses. And now that there's no monthly, I didn't have that with monthly. I have that with, it's called the Voxer is the app. I forget if I said that, but I have that with the three month and above. (20:04): So whatever program you choose, you're going to get that as a bonus. Like, what? It's the hotness. It's the hot queen level shit. All right. So sorry I blabbed on about that, but I feel like it's hard to convey in just a couple seconds what sessions are like. Maybe I should do an episode just describing what sessions are like. So if someone's interested, they could just listen to that. All right. So if Christmas does feel heavy, it doesn't mean you are failing at healing or you're damaged or broken. It means your body is telling the truth about what it's been through. Remember, our body stores everything and our mind is up here going over here and our body's still storing stuff. And so we're still going to feel it. So be gentle with yourself, okay? Protect your peace. That's like my motto. Protect your peace with your golden peace bubble. (21:05): Put it on. Everybody strap it on for the holidays. And remember, you don't owe anyone a performance. You don't have to get sucked into all the things all the people are doing out there. You be you, you listen to your body and what you can and can't do, what capacity you have. Can we really normalize that? We all have different capacities and that's okay. (21:36): And some people you see out there that are doing all the things and you're like, "Man, they're Superwoman." You know they're far past their capacity and they're having a damn mental breakdown inside. So everything isn't what it seems either. Okay? I just want to make that really clear. Capacity, it's a thing. We all have different capacities. That's okay. Let's normalize that. It's okay if you don't have the capacity to make ... I don't know. I don't make anything. I don't have the capacity to bake all these. My daughter does. She's the baker in this house. Gosh, all these people baking 50 million cookies and doing all the things, that's their thing. It brings them joy. Good. But the pressure to do all the things around the holidays on top of dealing with what your triggers or if you have to co-parent with a narc, I mean, there's a lot. (22:35): Give yourself a break. This is your holiday season too. Do joy your way at your capacity. All right? All right. So Thursday. Oh my gosh. I don't think I'm going to do ... Am I going to do a Thursday show? Is that Christmas Day? It is. Christmas Eve. Am I going to ... Gosh, will you even listen? Do you even want one? I feel like I'm ... I know I should listen to myself right now. I should be like, do I have the capacity? I guess if I have the capacity to do a Christmas Eve show, I will. I will see if I have ... I am taking off. Technically, I'm not working starting tomorrow through the rest of the week. I have no clients. Today we're my last few clients for this week. I only had a few today. And then I'm going to start. (23:30): I'm going to have more next week again, but I took off Tuesday through Friday. So if I have extra capacity and I want to jump on and do a little mini Thrivent five, I will, but I'm not putting the pressure on myself. That's going to be my Christmas present to myself because I love my work. So it doesn't always feel like work and I love doing it and I want you guys to just be happy and thrive in all this. So I feel like this compulsion at the same time to do the things, even if it's a little past my capacity. But I'm going to honor my capacity since I'm preaching that today. All right? So everyone, this holiday week, I solemnly swear I will not push past my capacity at the end. All right. So I will either see you Thursday or Tuesday and you have a Merry, Merry Christmas or Hanukkah if you had just celebrated Hanukkah. (24:37): Kwanzaa, all the holidays. Whatever you celebrate, I hope you can find your type of joy at your capacity this holiday season, and I will see you in the next episode. Move to.

When your child is stressed or dysregulated — especially after time with a narcissistic, high-conflict, or toxic person — you don’t need the perfect words. In this Thrive in Five, I share a simple 5-minute co-regulation practice you can do with your child to help their nervous system settle and feel safe again. In this episode, you’ll learn: Why you don’t need to fix or explain in these moments A step-by-step 5-minute regulation tool How to help your child feel safe without forcing conversation This tool works after exchanges, during anxiety or shutdowns, and with any stressed or anxious child — not just in narcissistic co-parenting situations. Your Next Step in Healing If co-parenting with a narcissist is impacting your peace or your child’s emotional safety, my 3-Month Transformational Coaching Deep-Dive provides grounded support, boundaries, and nervous-system regulation. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/ Free Support Boundaries Pocket Guide: https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250 Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/peaceloveandboundaries Questions? Email me at https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/ Free Support Boundaries Pocket Guide: https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250 Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/peaceloveandboundaries 📧 Questions? Email me at [email protected]

Episode Summary When you’re co-parenting with a narcissist, your child often absorbs stress they don’t have words for yet. Meltdowns, shutdowns, anxiety, and emotional overwhelm aren’t misbehavior — they’re nervous system responses to chaos. In this episode, Christy shares simple coping tools you can do with your child — not lectures, not fixing, not “calm down” energy — but practical nervous-system supports that create safety, connection, and regulation for both of you. These tools are especially helpful for parents navigating high-conflict co-parenting, post-separation abuse, or emotional manipulation from the other parent. What You’ll Learn Why kids feel narcissistic chaos in their bodies before they can explain it How to help your child regulate without talking badly about the other parent Simple nervous-system tools you can do together Why regulating yourself first is the most powerful parenting move How repair builds more safety than perfection ever could Your Next Step in Healing If you’re trying to support your child while also holding yourself together in a high-conflict co-parenting dynamic, you don’t have to do this alone. I offer 1:1 coaching and somatic support to help you regulate your nervous system, set grounded boundaries, and show up as the calm anchor your child needs — even when the other parent creates chaos. 👉 Transformational Coaching Monthly https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/ Additional Support & Resources Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts (for high-conflict communication): 00:00): Hello, hello Queens. It's your other queen. Are we queening today? Are we full of queen energy? Good. I have got a special episode for you today that actually one of my clients asked if I would do a podcast dedicated to this. And when you guys want me to do something, I say how, hi, because I'm here for you baby. Alright. In all seriousness, if you are co-parenting with a narcissist, your child is likely absorbing stress that they do not have language for yet, maybe depending on their age, even if they're teens though, it's hard to navigate this stuff as an adult, let alone a teenager or a child, right? So in this episode, I am sharing coping tools you can do with your child, not lectures, not fixing, not calm down energy, which of course I don't want that, right? But simple nervous system tools that build safety together. (01:01) Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christy wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dried ice, and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up. (01:59) Okay? So when a narcissist creates chaos, which they do, kids feel it in their bodies first. They may not say I'm dysregulated, but they say it with meltdowns, withdrawal, irritability, stomach aches. And here's the part I want you to hear. Clearly, your child does not need you to explain the narcissist. They need you to help their body feel safe with you. And I say this to a lot of my clients, I've said it on here, one of your best weapons against the narcissist is being an amazing role model, a calm energy, the peace for your child, no matter what the narcissist is doing, no matter how your child is acting toward you, that's another episode, right? I'm not saying you don't discipline your child and guide them and lead them and teach them, but you stay calm, peaceful energy, right? It's a hard job, but someone's got to do it and it ain't the narc. (03:04) So today, these are tools you can do together side by side that help your child regulate and it helps you stay grounded too. So it two birds with one stone baby. Okay? So tool number one, name what you see without fixing. So instead of you are okay, which that's such a common thing I feel like even in my own upbringing, which is fine, love you, mama, but even generationally, that's something, you're fine. You're okay. And I'm not what we're talking about, but saying, you're okay, it's not a big deal. Instead of that try, I see your shoulders are really tense or looks like something feels heavy right now, then pause. This tells your child, my experience makes sense, right? They know they're feeling off. They may not really think it through as much, but I think saying your shoulders are, you look like something's weighing on you, however you want to put that in child terms, okay? (04:20) So just even that, just naming what you see without fixing it. Because often as parents, we want to, and even my personality, okay? I am a fixer by nature. I want to fix everything, all the things, save the world. Actually right now, I'm waiting to see if my husband will take me to go try to find a lost dog, okay? It's story of my life. I just, whatever. I'm a problem solver, fixer. Many of you're like that. We're empaths, we're sensitive. So we want to fix problems and make everything happy. Happy. We can't, by the way, spoiler alert, we cannot save the world, but we can do the best damn job we can with our kids and ourselves. So just helping them feel like, sorry, if you're watching them on YouTube, I have this hair that's stuck. It's really pissing me off all. But if you are just naming something to the child, they are able to first feel validated and seen, which is important, especially if you have a narc other parent. (05:29) So that's really important. And then just so they even kind of know, oh yeah, that's true, just observing. And you're dealing with a somatic healer right here. So observation is a very big in the somatic world, we don't always have to fix everything right away, obviously we want to heal and learn those tools too. But just observing is a great start. Tool number two, orient together. I've definitely mentioned this one orienting, but it's like a visual safety. So you can say, let's look around and name three things we like seeing, right? We're keeping it very positive. And you can name colors, cozy things, palm trees, flamingos. I'm looking at a flamingo right now. Basically, I think I have a flamingo in every room. That's my happy place. The beach, all things Resorty, palmy, flamingo. Favorite objects, if you're in their room, if you could name their little bunny they sleep with, maybe the pet, the pet's nearby, right? (06:39) Oh my little cute little Scooby-Doo over there. Holiday lights. It's that time of year right now, something that is positive. And this brings the nervous system out of the fight or flight and back into the present moment. And you can do it with them, not as a command. So let's look around and name three things we like seeing and you can alternate or you go first and then they go, especially the first time you're giving them a little example. Tool number three, move the stress out together. So stress gets stuck in kids' bodies just like it does ours, right? So you can try shaking the arms and legs together and making it fun. Just say, let's be a shaky spider. I just made that up. Wasn't that great? The shaky spider dance, right? And just, yeah, I'm a little cuckoo, but hey, it makes for fun. (07:43) My daughter has a blast. I mean, we do silly things like that, especially she's getting a little older now. She's a little t twining here. So now she might look at me, roll her eyes, but she's still doing it. In another year, she's probably going to just be rolling her eyes at me jumping for 10 seconds. Again, you can make it fun. One thing I actually have done with my daughter, just as I have tools just for any nervousness before tests or she had a little perfectionism. So after tests, if she didn't get an A, oh my gosh, to kind of get rid of that energy often I would take her outside too that she said, because now she's gotten better. She goes, it really helped when I was younger, you taking me out of the house, cutting that little cycle. So that's another thing is changing your space. (08:37) And if you can't go outside, you just go to another room. But changing where you are, the environment. But if you can go outside, get the fresh air, maybe get those toes in the dirt, old dirty toes, that can definitely shift the mind and get you out of that. You could do for younger kids, maybe not your tweens or teens. Stretching like animals. That's always fun, right? Oh, I'm a cat. You could do cat cow, like the yoga poses. And another thing that sets off certain good chemicals in the brain is slow, exaggerated neons. It's making me on, I have a great, actually this is for you guys. You can do this with kids too. This is kind of like a side note of just how to just relax. It takes the attention away. And you'll notice. So if you are on just audio, I'm going to put my YouTube link in the description so you can watch this. (09:43) This is awesome, but I'll try to describe it as best I can for those who are just listening, and I can't even really do it. I'm holding my microphone. Let me see if I can put my microphone up in a sec so I don't have to. Okay? Yeah. So you put both your hands behind your head, right? You're like, dang, sex, you look good like clasp behind your head and you put your eyes to the right all the way as far as you can. You're looking at your right elbow until you yawn. It will happen. It actually will happen. See it happen. Then you look all the way to the left until you yawn. It always takes me more time on the left. I have no idea why I'm not going to wait for it. You guys might fall asleep by the time I get there. (10:40) No, usually it takes like three seconds if that on my right and then takes me 30 seconds on my left. Okay? It's crazy. It's crazy town work. But then your neck and everything is a little looser. It is a real thing. You can test it. So before you actually do it, you kind of slowly turn your head to the right, to the left to see how tense it is. When you notice your neck is tense, then you do that move. Look to the right, look to the left, do your yawning, and you will see the magical result that you actually, it's not as stiff proven scientific mayhem that I cannot explain because I don't like all the science stuff. Someone else who's sciencey can tell you more about it. Go look it up. I'm just kidding. I should find out so I can tell you. All right. So anyway, hey, you can do that with any child who can follow directions. So that's another thing. So getting into the physical body to move the stress out. Tool number four, give the feeling a job. I like this one. So instead of asking kids to stop feeling, give the feelings somewhere to go, okay, you can draw it, right? That's good. Old therapy 1 0 1, paint your feelings. (12:05) I had to draw my feelings. I remember in kindergarten, and I remember, I literally remember having to do it. I had separation anxiety with my mom. I did not want to let go of her leg when I started kindergarten, but my parents had just separated. It was a hard time. And so I would not let her go every day. And finally they took me to the school guidance counselor. And I remember, I still can remember in kindergarten, drawing my little family, and it was so sad. I drew my dad far away. We had just separated. I still saw him, but there he was all by himself in the corner. So there you go. You can draw it, draw it. You can squeeze a pillow, you can stomp it out. You can wrap up in a blanket. Maybe you could play burrito. Roll 'em up and just let 'em feel nice and cozy and safe. (13:03) But ask 'em what feeling you have. Maybe it's sad. You could say, Hmm, you want to draw it. You give 'em options, right? Something that is very important in my work I do with you guys, is getting you to make choices for yourself again, for you to build your confidence. Your self trust is so important. It's for most of you has been lost. If you ever had it, depending at the start in childhood, you may have never trusted yourself. And often that can come later to be people pleaser tendencies can be out of that. So this is what I build with my clients. But also if your kids have a narcissist parent, they may also get scrutinized for certain choices or words or whatever. So they may like you. Be careful, walk on eggshells. Just nervous to say or do the wrong thing. So letting them choose. (14:10) Here's this feeling you're saying you have anger. Would you like to scribble it out or would you like to stomp it out, or would you like to run it out? I worked with a lot of a DHD kids and we would do similar things, right? It's getting feelings, getting these energies out because they need somewhere to go. So they don't come out in unhealthy ways. I'm trying to think of another, let's say for withdrawal. That one could be along the lines of, let's wrap you up like a burrito. And just because withdrawal, they're withdrawing, they don't feel safe. So wrapping up a burrito and just letting them observe, how do you feel? What can you do When you don't feel safe, you can hug yourself. So they could give themselves a hug. They could draw something that makes them feel safe. Even when they're not feeling safe, they can draw a picture of that bunny they're sleeping with or whatever. (15:15) You get the vibe I'm going for. So in this work too, this is also stuff I work with you as your soul self when we work together. But I also, a lot of parents do ask for more specific tools they can work on with their kids. So it's more customized. Obviously, if we're doing one-on-one work, check the description for ways to work with me. And starting in January, which is right around the corner, we will be doing either three, six or 3, 6, 3 months, six months or 12 packages only. There will be no more monthly. So if you want to get in a one-off, get in there quick because otherwise you are committed to mid bay for three whole months. But we're having a lot of fun. In my one-on-one sessions, amazing work is happening. I'm really excited about just this upcoming year, all the things. (16:17) But these tools teach emotional safety without the shame. We don't want to shame anybody for having their feelings. Tool number five, regulate yourself out loud. So you can say, I notice my body feels tense, so I'm taking a slow breath. No lecture, no teaching moment, just modeling. You're just observing what you are doing. Kids learn, right? Their eyes are always watching. They're always watching us. They're sponges, right? These are sayings we have because they're true. They learn regulation by watching, not by being told what to do. Sometimes that might stick, but kids, they're observing, they're learning how to live. They're learning how to cope. They're learning, and they're learning by watching you. That's why I say you be that steady, peaceful love bubble for them as much as you can. Again, I'm not saying you coddle. You don't coddle. I'm not a big fan of the coddling. We need to teach them how to cope in healthy ways. And the world is not going to hold them in the big burrito all the time. So they need to learn how to regulate themselves. Okay? And you guys need to remember too, you don't have to be calm all the time. (17:51) And healing is not perfection. I'm talking for yourself, for your kids. We're always going to be healing. No one reaches as, oh, I'm totally healed. Am I like centuries past where I was even five years ago, 10 years ago? Yes. But it is a journey. It is not like, oh, I wish I was healed. And I hear that from my clients, God, it's been this long. The funny part is some people say, oh, it's been two months already. And I'm some say, oh, it's been five years, it's been 10 years. So there's this moving bar. No, just with grief. Just like with grief, there is no timeline of exactly when you're supposed to be quote over it. And we'll never be exactly over it. I'm not trying to say that to be negative. To me that's positive because it means I don't have pressure to get to a certain spot by any point. (18:54) But there are ways to accelerate this healing and somatic healing is one of the many ways, but somatic healing is, it is mind blowing work. The work I've been doing just today, I had a client tell me that she has been doing therapy for years. And she said, but now I'm doing the actual work like this somatic healing. We do coaching too. So with her, I generally do a half hour of coaching, talking, figuring out the narcissist mind in a way, how to navigate, how to have conversation with this person, et cetera. And then the other half is the somatic work. We go on ation. You know what I mean? You don't know what I mean. Maybe we do somatic work. If you don't know, you've come this far. Now you get a little speech at the end. No, but it's healing from the body. (19:53) So the mindset work is great, but without the body work, because your body remembers everything and is not always caught up, it's mostly not caught up with the mind. So it's very important to be doing both phases of healing and the somatic stuff for me and my experience. And like my client said, today it is this accelerated version of healing, but it doesn't feel overwhelming, it doesn't feel heavy. We go slowly. And she said, it's like these small steps, but then there's these big results. So it's amazing work. If you want more information, you can always email me. My email will be in the show notes as well. Alright, so if this episode did help you, it's because these tools are not just for kids. They're for who. Never had someone help their nervous system feel safe. (20:53) Did I hit something there? Did I hit something right? We maybe didn't get that from our parent or someone else. Generationally, a lot of us probably did not. If you were one of the lucky ones that did congratulations, good job for your parent. But when you support your child in this way, you are also healing something in yourself. And you are stopping the cycle. You're stopping this cycle so that then your child is how many steps ahead for their child that they can teach them tools, they can teach them how to cope in healthy ways. So you're doing way better than you think. I know from experience, a lot of my clients are you right? You are my clients. Think that you're not doing enough or you're maybe not parenting perfectly and you're very hard on yourselves and you're very worried. And I get it. (21:56) We worry about our children, but we can't give any child a perfect childhood. We can't guard them from all the things that happen in the world. What we can do is give them the tools to be able to regulate themselves, help their own minds, help their own bodies. And not only does that help them protect them, that bleeds out into the world. And I love a good domino effect. Can I get a what One? Yes. Yay. Alright, so if you like this episode so much, you want to scream it from the rooftops, go share it anywhere with anyone. I mean, really, most people could stand to use some nervous system settlers. So even if you just have a friend that has an overwhelmed kid, these tools could be helpful. So please share this episode and of course, follow the podcast if you're not already following it. (22:58) So you get notified whenever I post, which is two times a week. It's Tuesdays and Thursdays. So Tuesdays are the full episodes. And then we have our Thrive in five on Thursdays, which are a little somatic fun's, like a little bite-size, somatic healing tool of the week. That is always related to Tuesday's episode. So on this Thursday, I might go maybe a little more deeply into one of these tools. So if you have a favorite, join my Facebook private group. Go in there and you can post and tell me which tool you liked, and if you want me to go deeper into it to give more examples or whatever, I love to just work from your feedback, right? So thank you guys for listening. See you in the next episode. Love.

Triggered by a narcissist? In today’s 5-minute reset, I’m giving you the exact process to stop the spiral, calm your nervous system, and shut down the bait before you get pulled into the chaos. If you freeze, overthink, or feel your body react instantly when they say something snarky, passive-aggressive, or manipulative — this quick reset will help you stay grounded, clear, and in your power. In this episode, you’ll learn: What’s really happening in your body when a narcissist triggers you The fastest way to interrupt the emotional hijack A simple somatic grounding tool you can use anytime, anywhere How to shift from reacting → responding Why staying calm is your strongest boundary Take five minutes with me today. Your nervous system will thank you. 💛 Your Next Step in Healing If this episode resonated, your next level of support is here: ✨ Transformational Coaching (1:1 Support) Private, deep healing containers for women rebuilding after narcissistic abuse. Release the trauma patterns, regulate your nervous system, and reclaim your peace. Monthly or 3-Month Deep-Dive options: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/ https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/ Copy-Paste Peace Scripts (Most Popular!) Struggling with what to text back? Get clear, firm, emotionally safe responses you can use immediately with toxic or narcissistic people. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/ Empowered Boundaries Course A self-paced program to help you set, hold, and ENFORCE boundaries without guilt. https://christyjade.co/empowered-boundaries Free Resources ✨ Boundaries Pocket Guide https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250 ✨ 30-Day Toxic Relationship Declutter https://christyjade.ck.page/toxicdeclutter ✨ Free Meditation for Instant Calm https://christyjade.ck.page/insider ✨ Abuse Recovery Affirmations https://christyjade.ck.page/affirmations Join the Community Connect with women healing alongside you: https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade TRANSCRIPT Speaker 1 (00:03): Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five. Your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath queen. This one's for you queens. Have you ever felt that sting in your body? When the narcissist tries to bait you today, we're going to do a five minute reset to shut down that reaction. So their chaos doesn't get to run your nervous system anymore. You in? Alright, so you know when the narcissist throws bait, they love to do it right? The snarky text, the guilt trip, the twist of the truth. Familiar with that one? Yeah. Your body reacts before your brain even has time to catch up, right? There's that spike in your chest, the heat behind your eyes and your head like you just are so frustrated, angry, confused, and then you can even get the urge to fire back. (01:06) Or maybe you have fired back. That's not you being too much or sensitive. It is your nervous system trying to protect you from their fire, right? Their chaos. So today we're going to do a five minute reset that helps you stay unbeatable no matter what they throw at you, right? You get to be in control. So first we're going to step one for, this is the name it Tam it Body check. So you can say out loud like me because I'm a loud mouth, I like to say everything out loud. All my thoughts say out loud or just silently to yourself. My body is reacting, but I'm safe in this moment. And then observe and somatic healing. We do a lot of observing. So observe, where is the tightness? Where is that heat? Where did your breath go? And you're not fixing anything. You are locating the activation. (02:06) And the moment you name it, the amygdala chills out by about 30%. Isn't that amazing? I love that. So that's one of the tools you're getting, I think five today. So step two, the stone spine posture shift. So this one stops the spiraling really fast. So you can sit or stand tall and imagine a stone column running up your spine. Ancient but sexy. That's weird. Why did I just call it column sexy? I don't know. Ancient. I didn't want it to feel ancient. I wanted it to just be golden and unbreakable and heavy in a good way. Grounded. So imagine that going up your spine and say, I am rooted. I am not moving with their chaos. You're unshakeable. Okay? And your body then receives the signal. We don't chase the bait. No, no, we don't defend. We don't perform and we don't sink ourselves to their level. (03:15) Okay, step three, the four, two exhale drop. So we do a lot of breath work in working with me, right? My clients, we're going to practice a little one. You inhale for four through the nose and then you exhale for two seconds longer than the inhale could just be four, six, but this is what it's called. So inhale through the nose. Four, you're exhaling. Six seconds, you're expelling. And why does that work? Because the longer exhales actually flip your body from flight or fight, fight or flight to rest and respond, which is exactly the state that you need to stay in to stay out of their traps. Okay? Step four, the micro boundary mantra. So you can choose one of these phrases and say it slowly. I don't respond from activation. If you're on my YouTube right now, I talk with my hands and all these little hands are popping up. Thumbs up and waving. Okay? Yes, I'm on YouTube too now. Okay, I don't respond from activation. Silence is a strategy. I love this next one. Their urgency is not my urgency. We have been conditioned, conditioned to feel everything is urgent because they've conditioned us that way. Their urgency is not your urgency. (05:01) And last I can choose the timing that protects my piece. It's not all about them anymore. So you can choose one of those phrases for a little boundary moment. Okay? And step five, the future flash. Picture yourself an hour from now. Proud, grounded, and peaceful. I know you love that word. I know you want to get there. So imagine yourself, proud, grounded, peaceful, because you didn't take the bait. What does it feel like to be like, Ooh, I didn't go there with them. They can invite you to their fight. You do not have to join it. They can invite you to their chaos. You don't have to join it. You don't explain. You didn't have to defend yourself. You didn't get pulled into their crazy circus. (06:04) And for that little mantra, I lead with peace, not panic. You don't have to panic anymore. You don't have to have the urgency anymore. We are freeing ourselves from that. You get to say, I didn't take the bait. What would that feel like? I didn't take the bait. Oh, that's true. Freedom right there. Okay, so that's it. Five minutes nervous system reset with, and you can just do a couple of them if you have two minutes, but five minutes, you can do all those things and reset your nervous system. Calm everything down, get everything peaceful and learn these tools and practice them. The more you repeat these tools, the more you use them, the more they become second nature. So it's important to implement them into your daily life. So save this episode, write these down. Get a little cute little pad of paper, write 'em down so they're in plain sight for you to see. (07:10) Carry 'em around in your little pocketbook. Does anyone say pocketbook anymore? I don't think so. In your handbag, in your bag. And yeah, if you want to go deeper with all of this, if you truly want to reset your nervous system in a way that is transformational and you want to kind of accelerate that, that is what you do. Working with me. We do coaching. We get into the narcissist mind. We understand them better. We talk about certain situations. If you are co-parenting or you're a mother or father or sibling, somebody in the family you feel like you are stuck with, we get to navigate all of that. And in parallel work on the somatic side of things, doing this work to heal while we are using these tools to reset, to balance. So we get the mindset work and we get the body work. (08:10) And I love it. I love it. I love doing it. So if you want to work one-on-one with me, always in the show notes, come January, I'm only going to be doing three month, six month, and 12 packages. This will be a shift. There's lots of reasons I'm doing it because we want true transformation. We can do a lot in a month and we've done a lot in a month, but I'm here for the long haulers. We go through seasons. So I want to take you through at least three months. So you really get that huge transformation. Huge. My three monthers, woo, double queen work. Okay? So don't forget to follow my podcast, share it, share it with anyone you think could use it. Some of this stuff is just good for anyone in toxic situations. Not necessarily narcissistic, right? Toxic family environments, toxic relationships, not necessarily even abusive, but if you're dealing with someone who's manipulative or someone who's stressed out all the time or whatever, some of these thrive in fives can be useful for those people too. (09:23) So feel free to share this with anyone who could use a little reset and hit follow on whatever platform You're listening to me. If you are watching me on YouTube, welcome. Hello, here's my face. I probably am going to start doing my podcast on video as well. This started out kind of a long story, but I'll try to make it shorter, but I'm a long story person, but we are having our home remodeled, not our entire home bathroom remodeled. And my setup was upstairs in my bedroom just with my phone and my little microphone. And that was just kind of the setup I've been doing. I've been so busy. I was like, if I have to take out the computer and the, it's just like extra steps and I'm a DD, so the less steps, the more likely it's going to happen and it's worked out beautifully. (10:12) My podcast has really grown a lot the last year since I've been doing this. And now, I mean it's great, but I feel like I want to be on video. I love video. If you don't know, I had a YouTube channel for years, kind of different content, but I want to get back on video. I want to get back on YouTube, so I'm going to see how this goes. And if one night I don't feel like doing it on YouTube and I'm being lazy in the bed on my phone, then I won't do it. I'm not going to put pressure on myself, but let me know on YouTube if you guys do enjoy the video and anyone who's on the podcast, you can feel free to pop over there and see if you like video better. I like both. It depends on my mood as far as watching. (11:01) I listen to a lot of stuff when I'm doing other things like laundry or just can't be staring at a screen. But some people are only video people, so it's another reason I want to get back in the YouTube world. I have had people who are like, I missed you being on YouTube. I don't really do podcasts. So now we can have the best of both worlds. Okay, so I will see you on Tuesday and definitely check out my links to work and you can always email me. Just say hi, introduce yourself, ask questions at Fierce Mama. See at Gmail, that is also in the show notes. Alright, I will see you in the next one. Nos.

In this episode: Narcissists use “baiting” to pull you into reactions, defensiveness, or emotional chaos. Today you’ll learn the three most common types of bait they use—and the simple, powerful Pause, Pivot, Protect method to keep yourself grounded, calm, and unhooked. You’ll walk away with practical responses, somatic regulation tools, and a clearer understanding of how to protect your peace in conversations, texts, and co-parenting dynamics.Your Next Step in Healing Work 1:1 with Christy — Coaching + Somatic Healing For survivors navigating high-conflict co-parenting, emotional chaos, or holiday-triggered anxiety, get personalized support, strategy, and nervous system regulation tools. 1-Month Private Coaching https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly 3-Month Transformational Coaching + Somatic Healing https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly Get My Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts Scripts that help you shut down manipulation, stop JADE-ing, and communicate with confidence. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-fast-37/ Grab the Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free!) Your quick-start guide to setting boundaries without guilt. https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250 Join the Facebook Community Connect with other women healing from narcissistic abuse https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989 GREY ROCK METHOD EPISODE: https://www.podbean.com/eas/pb-r2z4f-1365d55 Email me! [email protected] Speaker 1 (00:04): Hello? Hello. Let me check my audio real quick. Let me check it. This is going to be not the best maybe recording we ever had. However, it'll be good content. I have all sorts of fun stuff. I have a bathroom remodel where they found some extensive mold, not black mold. They're going to be able to take care of it, but it's been quite a little journey. So happy holidays. Happy holidays. My house is going to be in, well, not my house, but my master bath. We're not even sleeping in there. It's just so much demolition and bleach and dust. So I'm currently recording in the basement away from the noise. Hopefully you don't hear any of it. And it's been so crazy. I literally forgot to do my podcast last night. I usually record on Monday nights and then post Tuesday morning. But here we are. (01:05) Here we are on Tuesday and you guys don't have a podcast, so let's go. So we're not going to have the intro music, all the fun. We're just going to get straight to it today. And I was sitting thinking about what a lot of my clients, what they say to me, what they're like, oh, I wish I could just, whatever. And a huge one recently has been, they know they're not supposed to take the bait. They know they're not supposed to. They know the narcissist wants them to react, but it's really just hard in the moment. So we're going to address that, talking about not taking the bait and how to stay unshakeable when the narcissist tries to hook you. Right? Okay, so if you don't know, you're on here, but I'm Christie Jade, host of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery podcast, and we're going to dive into one of the most powerful skills you can master on your healing journey, not taking the bait. (02:09) And if you've been following me, I say it all the time, don't take the bait. Don't take the bait. I really am considering getting T-shirts just as a little fun mantra for us to rock bright pink gold. What do you think? Tell me. And my Facebook group, by the way, go join my Facebook group. If you're not part of it, it's always in the show notes. It's free and it is private. We like that privacy part, okay? But when you stop reacting, you stop feeding that chaos. And when you stop feeding the chaos, the narcissist loses their favorite thing in the world, their power. And that's part of my goal. Look, my big goal is to live peacefully. But gosh, if I have to deal with a narcissist, one of my favorite things is to get, help them get rid of their power. Okay? So first name the game baiting is a strategy. (03:09) So if you've ever wondered why do they always know exactly what to say to set me off, this is not by accident. This is not just something they're doing without knowing it. And they will always manipulate and say, I didn't mean it. My intention wasn't that blah, blah, blah, right? Narcissist ba. Because your reaction is actually their reward, your spark, your emotion. They love to get emotion out of you, your energy. They love to drain your energy. It's like a little crispy snack that they're after. And you don't want to be their snack, right? So if you don't bite, they don't eat. Maybe we should have that as a tagline. Don't take the bait. If you don't bite, they don't eat. So when you can see their comment, their text, whatever, in conversation as bait, just knowing, and it takes some training in the mind, but as not truth, you instantly gain the power. (04:14) You're like, you know what they're doing. And it does, I promise. It becomes like second nature, it becomes a science. It goes, you become an observer. And a huge part of somatic healing, by the way, is being able to become the observer even of your own feelings. And that's a whole other show. But if you want to do somatic healing and heal from the body, girl, jump in the show notes. Let's work together. But in the situation with the narcissist, you move from, I have to defend myself, right? I have a client recently that was talking about this, just the smear campaigns, the painting you in a picture that is not accurate, that is bad, that, oh, you're the bad parent, you're the problem. They all do it. So you feel like you have to defend yourself, and you can change this into, I see what you're doing. (05:13) And I know some of you can't get there yet. That's why we have to do the one-on-one work to, from our body. Get to that point. You may not even be able to imagine being able to say so what? Right now. But I promise you, when you heal and you do the deeper work, you absolutely can get to that place. You stop caring what everyone else thinks, what they think, and you know that the truth comes out the truth. The people that matter will know the truth, right? And you can't control others. So just a little side note. Alright, so two, the three most common baits that you need to spot. I want you to hear these and think, yeah, then there. Because awareness is everything. So knowing what you're dealing with, again, so bait number one, the insult bait. That could just be as simple as, wow, calm down. (06:11) Or You're so dramatic, you're so sensitive. It was just a joke. I'm literally saying this, and it is bringing me back, and I peeled a lot, so I'm not getting that visceral feeling I used to. But now I look at it, I'm like, oh, what? Oh, it was so slimy, so calculated, so arrogant, so narcissistic. But these are designed to make you feel like they know you have to defend yourself after that, right? So it's on purpose to make you defend yourself, to explain, or as most of us have done over, explain yourself or even get louder, baiting you to be the crazy one, the loud one, the overdramatic one who's now yelling, right? All of which feed them. So imagine their big old head with their big old mouth just waiting to be fed. You're taking the bait, you're feeding them, you're feeding them, you're reasoning, you're explaining your energy, your emotions. (07:23) You're literally just giving them everything they freaking want. No more sis. Okay? The bait. Number two, the guilt bait. I know you're familiar with this one too, but we're calling it all out here. This is like a mic drop episode today, alright? After everything I've done for you, wah. Or I guess I'm just the bad guy. Oh, I love that one. I'm trying to think specifically. I remember a word, one of the narcs in my life. There's been a couple, but, oh, I guess I'm just the worst, I guess I'm just horrible. I guess I'm a horrible blah, blah, blah, because I'm a horrible boyfriend. Yeah, you fucking are. First of all, I Or oh, oh, so I'm the problem or I'm the problem now. Yeah. First of all, yeah, can we start saying just, yeah, and answering their questions. But these pull you into over-explaining and apologizing, right? (08:25) Because when you're in it, and even now, you might be out of the situation, but still can fall for these tactics sometimes, because we were created as empaths, as sweet people with big hearts, we were created to not want to make people feel bad. So if a healthy person said something to you that might make you feel guilty, you would turn inward and say, oh, well, maybe I did something wrong. But these are unhealthy people. So knowing they're unhealthy and knowing these are specific lines and things, they say, oh, I'm the problem now. I guess I'm the bad guy, right? Healthy people don't do that. Healthy people come to you and say, look, I have a problem. How can we get through this? And they talk it out like adults. I'm not saying people don't have, there are occasional moments where they may not know the exact right thing to say, but if you're with a narcissist or you're dealing with a narcissist or questioning if they're a narcissist, they have a pattern of unhealthy guilt trips. (09:34) So they're making you carry something that is not yours. And then the third bait is the chaos bait. How about when everything is fine? Things seem to be like, wow, this is the best we've ever been in a relationship. Or oh man, it's been nice and peaceful for a couple days probably because they can't really last super long. Boom, a fight over nothing, maybe anything, nothing. It isn't random. It's all about control, attention and emotional domination. When they feel like it's too quiet, they need the chaos. They need to be fed, they're hungry little animals with that mouth wide open, and they're just waiting for you to feed them that energy, that emotion, the defenses, the overexplaining. So once you can name these three baits, they actually lose a lot of their power. Okay, so now what number three is the tool? Pause, pivot, protect, pause, pivot, protect. (10:50) Maybe write that down. This is your new queen level nervous system armor, pause. All right. This is where the magic happens. And yes, it can take a little time. I don't want you to get upset if you can't do these tools overnight, okay? But work on them before you respond. You get a text or even you're at drop off with your co-parenting, or they're your boss, or they're your parent. No one says you need to respond immediately. Even if you're in person, send to yourself. Take a breath, three seconds. Let your nervous system just have a moment to not take that bait. Okay? Let the spike settle. It's really a spike, right? Your response, that visceral response, then pivot. Pivot away from their intention, which we just discussed as chaos and toward your intention. Okay? What's your intention? Say it with me. Class, peace, boundaries, clarity, all of the above. And ask yourself. So you're taking a few seconds, ask yourself, does responding to this serve my peace? (12:18) Sometimes you don't have to respond and you definitely don't have to respond or overexplain or give them emotion. You can walk away. I know with legal stuff, I have a lot. I mean, I think all my clients right now literally are dealing with co-parenting and exes. So if they're asking where drop off is, obviously there's things you need to respond to, but we're not talking about those things. We're talking about the situations where they are trying to get under your skin. They are guilt tripping you. They're saying, well, you didn't answer when I called. You don't even have to respond to that. (13:08) Does responding to this serve my peace? Then you protect. Where's your golden bubble? This is where you respond or you choose not to from a grounded place. So here's where we go into scripts. I actually have some scripts I'll put in the show notes for you too, but examples of protective responses, I'm not available for this. Tone. Simple. Eat that, shove that whopper down your throat, or we can continue this when the conversation is respectful. Chew on those fries. By the way, guys, hold on if you're on video, I'm going to put this on YouTube. So I am wearing my Grinch socks from McDonald's. Did you see McDonald's? They have an adult happy meal that brought me so much joy, and it has. I love my a DD, don't you? It's a Grinch box it. And they have, I think it's a large fry in there. (14:16) And then they have this packet of dill pickle seasoning, salt. It's Grinch salt. It's the whole Grinch theme. And you put it in a bag with the fries, shake it up. Holy cannoli. It is so delicious. I could scream. Oh, whoops. I keep forgetting. There's people in my house, the remodeler guys, they're right upstairs to eating lunch. They're probably like, why is that lady screaming about grinches? Anyway, the meal comes with a pair of socks, and I was so excited. I was hoping for the green pear because Grinch, and guess what? I got a green pear. That's favor. That's the favor of the Lord. All right, let's get back to it. We need a little break. This is heavy stuff. Okay, so where was I? Oh, yes, continuing when the conversation is respectful. Okay, another nice little response that's respectful, but direct, not emotional, right? Take your emotion out. Gray rock method people. If you haven't heard that episode of mine, it's gold. I will try to link that too. This isn't productive. Let's revisit later. (15:26) Simple. Let's give them the naked old beans in their mouth. Okay? I don't even know what that meant, but I liked it. And then last, but definitely not least, silence. Yeah, silence is a very complete sentence, especially in the eyes of a narcissist. You're standing in front of a narcissist. That's a good answer. Silence. They might hate it. They use it as a weapon. Why can't you? All right. I'm not saying use it. I am going to bear again, a reminder, if in a legal situation you need to respond about a specific thing that has to do with your child, your mutual child, obviously you're going to have to not give them the silent treatment, but only on that specific area. If you get an email and they say, when are you dropping Olivia off at my house? And then they go on to say, you know this and that and the other, and you did this. (16:30) And then I'll never forget how you did it. Just who knows? Do you know what they do? They bring up all sorts of trash to get a response. They can't just be human about it. So you respond to that email with 4:00 PM at the circle, whatever, facts, people. Facts. No drama, no excess information. They will, oh God, they want to eat information too. Okay? Their dessert is information from you, private information, any information that you do not have to give them legally do not give them. They will suck that cherry down real fast. Okay, where are we here? Oh, co-parent. Another co-parenting specific. I will only be responding to child related information. That should be upfront. I've talked about this to all of my clients. I will only be responding to child related information. Very important. And if you break it 40, what is that saying? (17:42) My old substitute teacher used to say, 30 lashes with a wet noodle. It was Catholic school, I dunno. But you'll get 30 lashes of wet noodle from Mrs. Mancini. I think that was really her name. Wow, look at that. The a, DD. It doesn't stop me from remembering things from 1991. Alright, so make sure you're sticking to your own boundaries. If you're not, give yourself grace, you're human and you just went through hell. Or maybe it was a while ago, but you have PTSD from narcissism. So give yourself a little break. And last one, I'll review and reply within 24 hours, unless you have otherwise an apparent agreement, parental agreement, divorce, decree, whatever. If you have something that says you have to reply within 12 hours, you can't go against it. So whatever legally is binding. But if not, I'll review and reply within 24 hours. (18:45) Instant deescalation tool brought to you by yours. Truly, you don't need to respond. We are conditioned by them to feel like we have to respond right away, or they're going to, who knows? What are they really going to do? If you're in a violent situation, that's a whole different story. If you're afraid of them violently, you need to deal with an attorney with that, the police with that restraining order with that. But if you're not, we are conditioned to be so hyper scared and fearing them so much that sometimes we lose the logical thought of the world's not going to end. If you don't fucking respond right now, I'll review it in 24 hours. You'll get something back. Won't be much though. Keep it simple, short. (19:43) Now let's wrap it up here. Well, we're almost done. Let's see how much I have a little more. But this section here, your calm is actually the one thing they cannot control. And that calm will drive them mad. But that's a good thing I've found in my time. Okay? Dealing with narcissists, yes, initial the first time or times that you are calm and you don't take their bait, they can come harder. They can come louder. That's why I say if they're violent, obviously it's a different story and you need to deal with that legally. But if they're just being a tantrum baby, baby tantrum, I don't know. That's okay. You don't fold the longer you stick to it. My point is, long-term, you're going to be much better off. (20:43) They never fully give up. Usually narcs, okay? But when it's too much of a fight, they can be very lazy. A lot of narcs are actually very freaking lazy. So eventually when they see you are, if you don't budge, and I'm a stubborn bull, so I got an upper hand on y'all, I'm sorry, but if you're a Taurus, what you can probably be as stubborn as me when you don't budge, eventually they do back off more, okay? The more you give, the more they're going to know that they can get that from you. And they're going to be like, oh, feet, miss S feed me. Okay? So you staying steady, it's not weak. You can think, oh, well, especially right after you're like, well, when you're in the start of your healing journey, it's like you almost can go the other side of the pendulum where it's like, well, I'm not going to stand for this and I'm going to stand up for myself now. (21:42) Right? There can be that. It doesn't work with nurses. So you staying steady and calm, that is the strength, it's the strategy. And you get to choose your piece over their bullshit. This is all about your piece. And if you have a child, your child's peace, okay? So when a narcissist cannot bait you anymore, they will. I'm telling you, they will get louder, meaner, more dramatic, not because you're doing anything wrong and it might feel weird or like, wait, this isn't working. It will, it will work. But they're old tools. Stop working. So they're going, okay, what do I need to do? Oh shit, I need to get louder. I need to get scarier. I need to get more manipulative. I need to do a bigger smear campaign. Go smear mother. Ever. Go smear all you want. Do you know the smear campaigns that I had on my back? My own family? (22:42) I mean, I had cousins. I had all sorts of crazy stuff being said about me. And I was like, well, the true ones will be here when I get out of this muddy freaking mess. And they were. And guess what? All those people that were told certain things and didn't know, like, oh, is that true? Guess who is super close with them now? This girl with her shiny ground, okay, you'll win in the end narcs. Don't win in the end. Trust me. Okay? So every time you choose that pause a boundary or silence, we love good silent treatment. You are rewiring your nervous system and breaking the trauma bond that the conditioning you've learned and that codependence and those strings, you may still have a couple tied that's trauma bonding, and we're going to sever the tie. But that's how you become unshakeable. That's how you get power back. (23:46) How you stop feeding that big narc mouth who was never going to love you the way you deserved in the first place. Am I right? Am I right? Yes. Okay. So if today hit home for you, make sure you share this with a friend. Maybe they're in the thick of dealing with a toxic person. Even if there's not a narc, there's things here that are very relevant just to anyone in a relationship with somebody who's controlling or toxic. And if you want to go deeper into that nervous system healing that I talked about, boundaries that actually stick, getting rid of the guilt that comes with those boundaries and emotional freedom. You know where to find me, always in my show notes, all the links to all the things that are in there. I've different packages and it's really important for you coming up. The holidays are crazy, and then it's a new year, a new start, and you don't need to feel like this anymore. (24:55) So if you're ready to step out of this and I got your hand, girl, we going to, I'm going to take you out of that mud, definitely. Let's do some one-on-one work all. You're not here to take the bait. Don't take the bait. We're going to make shirts. You are here to rise and shine your beautiful little crown, okay? And you're doing a great job already. So check out the show notes. You can also, if you have questions about working with me or anything else in this episode, or I forgot to put a link, you can email me. My email will always be there. It's fierce Mama C at gmail. Alright, I will see you in Thursday's episode, which will be a somatic healing exercise related to today's episode because all the magic needs to happen in that body. Okay, see you the next one. Bye.