Sex for Saints

Many husbands believe that because they're married, sex should happen when they want it, and that they've been wronged when it doesn't. In this episode, Amanda looks at where that belief comes from, the subtle ways it shows up after a "no," and why threats and pressure end up getting husbands less of the sex they want. Through one couple's journey from ultimatums to repair, she explores what it takes to stop feeling owed and start being chosen. She also offers guidance for wives living with a husband's entitlement and for husbands whose wives won't talk about it. If you've ever wondered whether sex is an obligation in marriage, this conversation is for you.

Most couples can describe exactly what is wrong with their sex life. Ask them what they want instead, and the room goes quiet. This episode lays out what a healthy sexual relationship actually looks like, starting with six principles of sexual health as the bare minimum and then going well past them. You will hear why one-sided sex quietly wears a marriage down, what a real yes sounds like, why saying no should never cost you anything, and why being known by your spouse matters more than any technique. If nobody ever gave you a picture of what you are building toward, this episode gives you one.

The spouse who wants sex more often tends to believe that all of the effort, the helping, the compliments, the constant attentiveness, is love. Usually it isn't. In this episode I talk about the difference between wanting someone to love you and actually loving them, and why those two things feel identical from the inside. We look at what a transaction can and cannot buy in a marriage, the anxiety underneath all that pursuit, and what love actually looks like on an ordinary day. There is something here for the spouse who has been doing the pursuing and for the one who has been on the receiving end of it.

Most of us were handed the same story about men and sex, that it is mostly about physical release and not much else. When researchers stopped assuming and actually asked men what drives their desire, the answers came back looking very different from the stereotype. In this episode I walk through what that research found, why so many men have never said any of it out loud, and what it costs a marriage when a wife decides she is interchangeable. I also spend time on the part that gets lost in this conversation, that wanting your body and wanting you are not the same thing, and that the physical was never the problem. If you have ever assumed you already knew why your husband reaches for you, this one is for you.
Here is the interest form for a potential Men's Group Coaching Membership with Amanda: https://airtable.com/appAch4uB19x84ZKZ/paggqDY8FxrLKaFgM/form

Most of us keep score in our marriages without ever calling it that. We track who got up with the baby, who apologized first, how many times we reached over and got turned down. It starts as a way to get something to change, and it ends up making sure nothing does. In this episode I talk about what scorekeeping actually is, what it looks like around the house and in the bedroom, and why your count is almost always wrong. We look at the research on why you cannot see most of what your spouse contributes, how confirmation bias keeps a wrong count feeling accurate, the two places resentment comes from, and the over functioning and under functioning pattern sitting underneath a lot of this. Then we talk about what it takes to move a marriage back from transactional to an equal partnership.