The Fight You Didn’t Mean to Start: Why Conflict Escalates and How to Defuse It
Send us a text! (add your email to get a response)Ever felt yourself going from calm to explosive in seconds flat? Or watched someone you care about transform into a raging stranger over something seemingly small? In this episode, we dive deep into the anatomy of emotional explosions - those high-conflict moments that can damage relationships and leave lasting scars. We unpack why these blowups happen, exploring how they often represent a reassertion of power when someone feels threatened, undermined, or disrespected. If you need more tips, get our free guide to De-Escalating Emotional Explosions. Drawing from relationship research and our clinical experience, we examine the triggers that spark these explosions. We talk about how many explosive relationships involve confusion between authentic self-expression and harmful communication patterns.Recognizing John Gottman's "Four Horsemen" of relationship conflict (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling), we list practical strategies for defusing emotional explosions. Most importantly, we provide clear alternatives to these destructive patterns. Whether you're the one who explodes or you're walking on eggshells around someone who does, we offer compassionate understanding and actionable techniques to transform your communication. **Join our KulaMind Community that launches July 14th! 50% off the first month for podcast listeners! Our community is an exclusive group of people navigating their loved ones' mental health and emotional issues. You'll get direct coaching on proven strategies for managing emotional crises, communicating effectively, and supporting your loved ones without losing yourself. Learn more here. Support the showIf you're navigating someone's mental health or emotional issues, join KulaMind, our community and support platform. In KulaMind, we'll help you set healthy boundaries, advocate for yourself, and support your loved one. Follow @kulamind on Instagram for podcast updates and science-backed insights on staying sane while loving someone emotionally explosive. For more info about this podcast, check out: www.alittlehelpforourfriends.com
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The Cost of Anxious Attachment: When Someone's Insecurities Make You Question Your Worth
Send us a text! (add your email to get a response)Do you ever feel like you're walking on eggshells around someone who constantly needs reassurance? In this episode, we tackle anxious attachment from a different angle - not just what it feels like to be anxiously attached, but how that attachment style can impact the self-esteem and identity of those on the receiving end.Drawing from personal experiences, we explore how anxious attachment manifests beyond just seeking love and reassurance. When someone constantly questions whether you love them enough, it can lead to profound questions about your character: Am I really selfish? Am I incapable of loving properly? We unpack the phenomenon of "projection," where anxiously attached people might interpret neutral actions through their lens of insecurity, creating narratives that shift how you see yourself. We also address how kernels of truth can be exploited to create damaging narratives - how normal human traits can be weaponized to support an anxious person's fear that they're not loved enough.For both those with anxious attachment patterns and those on the receiving end or "the avoidant attached" folks, we offer practical strategies. Rather than pathologizing either side, we emphasize how understanding these dynamics can lead to healthier connections where both people's identities remain intact. **Do attachment insecurities mean blow-up fights in your relationship? We made something just for you: A guide to "De-Escalating Emotional Explosions."**We have something really exciting coming up...Our KulaMind "From Chaos to Connection" course and community launches July 14th! There's a limited number of spots to keep the group intimate, so book a free call to apply.Support the showIf you're navigating someone's mental health or emotional issues, join KulaMind, our community and support platform. In KulaMind, we'll help you set healthy boundaries, advocate for yourself, and support your loved one. Follow @kulamind on Instagram for podcast updates and science-backed insights on staying sane while loving someone emotionally explosive. For more info about this podcast, check out: www.alittlehelpforourfriends.com
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Understanding Others' Minds: The Science of Mind-Reading in Borderline Personality Disorder
Send us a text! (add your email to get a response)What happens when you can't understand what others are thinking or feeling? Why do some people constantly misinterpret your intentions? The answers lie in a fascinating psychological process called mentalization.Mentalization—our ability to understand the thoughts, feelings, and intentions of others and ourselves—forms the foundation of healthy relationships. When this process goes awry, as it often does in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), relationships become minefields of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and confusion.In this episode, we delve into Jacqueline's dissertation topic of how mentalization can go awry with deep shame and personality pathology. Shame emerges as the critical factor that disrupts mentalization. Those with BPD often carry core beliefs about being defective or unlovable, coloring how they interpret others' thoughts about them. If you believe you're worthless, you'll likely assume others see you that way too, regardless of evidence. This creates patterns of negative assumptions without sufficient proof that can become self-fulfilling prophecies as relationships deteriorate.The social media landscape introduces new challenges, bombarding us with inconsistent feedback that mirrors the chaotic responses some experienced in childhood. When hundreds love you and hundreds hate you simultaneously, how do you form a coherent sense of self?Ready to learn more? Our community and group course launches July 14th—visit KulaMind.com to join the waitlist and gain the skills to navigate relationships with loved ones facing mental health challenges.Support the showIf you're navigating someone's mental health or emotional issues, join KulaMind, our community and support platform. In KulaMind, we'll help you set healthy boundaries, advocate for yourself, and support your loved one. Follow @kulamind on Instagram for podcast updates and science-backed insights on staying sane while loving someone emotionally explosive. For more info about this podcast, check out: www.alittlehelpforourfriends.com
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The Science of Co-Regulation: Building Safety in Relationships
Send us a text! (add your email to get a response)Ever wonder why holding your partner's hand during a stressful moment instantly calms you down? The answer lies in the fascinating neurobiological dance of co-regulation – when two nervous systems attune to and influence each other, creating safety, connection, and resilience that neither person could achieve alone.In this episode, we explore the multidimensional nature of co-regulation in romantic relationships, moving beyond the simplistic idea that partners merely "calm each other down." Through personal stories – including TWO exciting life updates for Jacqueline! – we unpack how healthy relationships support each other across three different levels of connection.The science is compelling. Research shows that a loving partner's touch literally reduces brain activity in regions associated with threat response. But we also tackle the shadow side: when does the need for co-regulation cross into dependency, control, or emotional manipulation? How do we balance healthy interdependence with personal responsibility for our emotional lives?Whether you're currently partnered or not, understanding co-regulation reveals profound truths about human connection. We're biologically wired to share emotional burdens, amplify each other's joy, and create meaning together. By developing awareness of our emotional patterns and protective mechanisms, we can transform relationships from battlegrounds into sanctuaries where both people feel safe enough to be fully themselves.***If you're like "wow that sounds good, but I have NO idea how to co-regulate with my partner," then you've come to the right place- that's what we teach at KulaMind. We're launching our exclusive KulaMind community July 14th, which we're not technically supposed to tell you yet...oh well. Support the showIf you're navigating someone's mental health or emotional issues, join KulaMind, our community and support platform. In KulaMind, we'll help you set healthy boundaries, advocate for yourself, and support your loved one. Follow @kulamind on Instagram for podcast updates and science-backed insights on staying sane while loving someone emotionally explosive. For more info about this podcast, check out: www.alittlehelpforourfriends.com
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When One Chases and the Other Runs: Understanding the Pursuer-Withdrawer Dynamics in Couples
Send us a text! (add your email to get a response)Feeling stuck in the same arguments with your partner? Does it feel like a cycle of one of you is chasing and the other is running away? In this episode, we talk about the problematic cycle behind recurring relationship conflicts through the lens of Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT).We break down the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic: that frustrating cycle where one person pushes for connection while the other pulls away. What looks like rejection or criticism on the surface actually masks deeper attachment needs and fears. You may be the one desperately trying to get your partner to engage, or one who shuts down when emotions run high.We argue that pursuers and withdrawers are actually fighting for the relationship in their own ways. Drawing from recent EFT research and our personal experiences, these patterns develop from childhood experiences and attachment styles. We also talk about important strategies for breaking this pursue-withdrawal cycle of disconnection. For example, we cover TEMPO framework that helps couples identify what triggers their defensive reactions and how to communicate underlying needs more effectively. We also discuss how co-regulation and vulnerability can break destructive cycles and create deeper connection. **If you are in a relationship with someone struggling with explosive emotions, you may be caught in these destructive cycles. Book a free call with Dr. Kibby to learn about how the KulaMind program helps people like you break the cycle.Resources:Johnson, S. (2022). The hold me tight workbook: a couple's guide for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.Support the showIf you're navigating someone's mental health or emotional issues, join KulaMind, our community and support platform. In KulaMind, we'll help you set healthy boundaries, advocate for yourself, and support your loved one. Follow @kulamind on Instagram for podcast updates and science-backed insights on staying sane while loving someone emotionally explosive. For more info about this podcast, check out: www.alittlehelpforourfriends.com
A LITTLE HELP FOR OUR FRIENDS is a mental health podcast hosted by Jacqueline Trumbull (Bachelor alum, Ph.D student) and Dr. Kibby McMahon (clinical psychologist and cofounder of KulaMind). The podcast sheds light on the psychological issues your loved ones could be struggling with and provides scientifically-informed perspectives on various mental health topics like dealing with toxic relationships, narcissism, trauma, and therapy. As two clinical psychologists from Duke University, Jacqueline and Dr. Kibby share insights from their training on the relational nature of mental health. They mix evidence-based learning with their own personal examples and stories from their listeners. Episodes are a range of conversations between Kibby & Jacqueline themselves, as well as with featured guests including Bachelor Nation members such as Zac Clark speaking on addiction recovery, Ben Higgins on loneliness, and Jenna Cooper on cyberbullying, as well as therapists & doctors such as sleep specialist Dr. Jade Wu, amongst many others. Additional topics covered on the podcast have included fertility, gaslighting, depression, mental health & veterans, mindfulness, and much more. Episodes are released every other week. For more information, check out www.ALittleHelpForOurFriends.comDo you need help coping with a loved one's mental or emotional problems? Check out www.KulaMind.com, an exclusive community where you can connect other fans of "A Little Help" and get support from cohosts Dr. Kibby and Jacqueline.
South Africa