How to Let Go of Your Shame
Chances are, there’s something in your life you feel deeply ashamed about—something you’ve never told anyone, something you can’t even admit to yourself. In this episode, we go deep into the emotion we all experience but almost no one wants to talk about: shame. Where it comes from, why it’s so powerful, how it screws up our lives—and more importantly, how to deal with it.We cover the biology of shame, the psychology, the evolutionary roots, and how modern life (especially the internet) completely messes with our shame systems. We talk about healthy vs. toxic shame, how it shows up in addiction, relationships, perfectionism, and self-sabotage, and why most of us either try to hide from it or end up being controlled by it. You’ll also hear from members of my team about how shame shaped their lives in surprising ways.As always, this episode is brutally honest, deeply researched, and sprinkled with a few bad jokes. But more than anything, I hope it gives you the awareness—and the tools—to start facing whatever it is you’ve been avoiding. Because you can’t outrun your shame. But you can learn to live with it.We also put together a free companion guide for this episode with all the takeaways, references, and tools to help you get your sh*t together once and for all. Download it here: https://solvedpodcast.com/shameReady to stop listening to podcasts and actually start taking action? Join the Solved Community, a group of like-minded people who are taking small steps every day to make big changes in their lives: https://findmomentum.com/shameSign up for my newsletter, Your Next Breakthrough. It will help make you a less awful person: https://markmanson.net/breakthroughChapters00:00:00 Introduction00:04:35 Chapter 1: Shame's Hidden Architecture00:14:38 Chapter 2: Key Definitions00:18:32 Distinguishing Shame from Guilt00:20:49 State Shame vs. Trait Shame00:21:47 Shame vs. Embarrassment and Humiliation00:24:03 Shame, Trauma, and their Interrelationship00:25:14 Chapter 3: The Neurobiology of Shame00:29:56 The Shame Spiral00:36:04 The Learning Paradox of Shame00:44:12 Chapter 4: The Shame Compass00:47:33 Personal Experiences with Shame00:49:21 Workaholism as a Coping Mechanism00:59:13 The Allure of Shamelessness01:01:15 Chapter 5: Individual, Familial, & Cultural Sources of Shame01:11:05 Geographical Impact on Shame01:13:08 Cultural Values and Shame01:14:35 How the Greater Culture Shapes Shame01:26:12 Chapter 6: Digital Technology & Shame 2.001:28:02 The Digital Divide01:31:05 The Relationship Between Technology and Anxiety01:33:55 Protection Strategies01:39:21 Chapter 7: Developmental Stages of Shame01:40:19 Understanding the Origin of Shame01:42:57 The Role of Parenting in Shame Development01:56:49 Chapter 8: How Therapy Transformed Our Understanding of Shame02:01:06 Carl Rogers and the Safety Revolution02:07:31 Albert Ellis and the Cognitive Revolution02:11:58 The Influence of Albert Ellis and Carl Rogers02:13:31 The Emergence of Reparenting and Inner Child Work02:17:18 The Rise of Internal Family System02:20:24 Brene Brown's Work on Shame02:27:59 Chapter 9: Tools to Address Your Shame02:40:19 Stoic Principles for Perspective02:47:05 Perspective Shifting Techniques02:58:26 Chapter 10: Tuning Your Shame System03:10:39 Recognizing Unsustainable Shame Patterns03:16:28 Kristen Neff's Self-Compassion Framework03:25:33 Understanding Shame as Obsession and Resentment03:29:53 Overcoming Shame and Personal Growth03:31:39 Takeaways from the Discussion on Shame03:40:40 Conclusion and Thanks
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