Relationship Truth: Unfiltered

When Conflict Feels Unsafe: How to Stay Open-Hearted Without Abandoning Yourself
Have you ever known the “right” way to communicate, but in the heat of conflict, those tools seem to disappear? In this episode of Relationship Truth: Unfiltered, Leslie sits down with psychologist, speaker, and author Dr. Kelly Flanagan to talk about what really happens inside of us when we get triggered—and how one small, sacred moment of choice can shift us from reactivity toward connection.

Together, Leslie and Kelly explore why communication often breaks down within us before it breaks down between us, how to recognize when our hearts are closing, and why open-heartedness never means becoming a doormat. This conversation is especially meaningful for women navigating destructive, painful, or confusing relationships who want to grow in wisdom, courage, and Christlike strength without abandoning themselves.

 

Key Takeaways

Communication Breaks Down Inside Us First

Dr. Flanagan explains that many people already have communication skills, but when they feel threatened, hurt, or misunderstood, they “close the toolbox” right when they need it most. The real work is not just learning better words—it is learning to notice what is happening inside our bodies, hearts, and nervous systems when we become triggered.

That moment of awareness creates a pause. And in that pause, we begin to recover our God-given agency to choose a different response.

You Can Notice When Your Heart Starts to Close

Kelly describes a triggered moment as a process: the nervous system activates, the heart begins to shift into protection mode, and then we make a quick, often unconscious choice about whether to close down or stay open.

Leslie connects this with the biblical wisdom of Proverbs: “Above all else, guard your heart.” Guarding your heart does not mean hardening it. It means learning when to pause, when to regulate, and when to make wise choices about what you allow in and what you release.

Open-Heartedness Does Not Mean Weak Boundaries

One of the most powerful parts of this conversation is the distinction between an open heart and a lack of boundaries. Dr. Flanagan reminds listeners that the condition of your heart is an inner posture, while boundaries are outer actions.

An open heart does not make your boundaries weaker—it makes them wiser. For women in destructive or emotionally unsafe relationships, this is crucial. Christlike love does not require self-abandonment, enabling, or pretending harm is not happening.

Calm Yourself Before You Try to Connect

Conflict escalates when we try to calm ourselves by controlling someone else’s behavior. Kelly uses the illustration of a furnace: when the “control board” inside us is malfunctioning, we often try to change the weather outside instead of tending to what is happening inside.

Before we can connect well, we must first regulate. That may mean taking a break, breathing, praying, going to another room, or simply saying, “I’m triggered right now, and I need a little time before I can respond well.”

Your Growth Is Never Wasted

Leslie and Kelly offer hope for the woman who has tried everything to get her husband to communicate better, become safer, or look at himself honestly. While you cannot control another person’s choices, you can still do your own work.

Even if the relationship does not heal the way you hoped, God does not waste your growth. As you become more whole, wise, and grounded, you are better equipped to make faithful, courageous decisions about what comes next.

Dr. Kelly Flanagan is offering listeners a free video tutorial that walks through the nine-step process from his book, The Road Less Triggered, helping you begin moving from reactivity toward connection.

To receive the resource, email: drkellybonus@gmail.com

You will also be temporarily subscribed to his online community, The Less Triggered Tribe, with the option to unsubscribe at any time.

 

Friend, being triggered does not mean you are failing. It means something inside of you is asking for care, attention, and wisdom.

You do not have to stay stuck in reactivity, fear, silence, or blame. With God’s help, you can learn to pause, regulate, speak truth, set wise boundaries, and grow into a more whole version of yourself. You are not alone, and even in painful relationships, your healing and growth still matter.

Parenting with Someone Who Is Emotionally or Spiritually Unsafe
How do you parent well when the other parent is manipulative, emotionally unsafe, spiritually abusive, addictive, or simply unwilling to grow? It’s one of the most painful and exhausting realities many women face after separation, divorce, or even within a difficult marriage.

In this powerful conversation, Leslie is joined by Michael and Kristin Cary of Living Truth Together to talk honestly about why “friendly co-parenting” is not always realistic—or safe—when the other parent continues destructive patterns. Together, they offer practical boundaries, faith-rooted wisdom, and compassionate guidance for moms who want to protect their children without badmouthing the other parent or getting pulled into more chaos.

Key Takeaways

Friendly Co-Parenting Isn’t Always Possible—or Safe

Many women are told that if they communicate clearly, stay kind, and “do their part,” co-parenting will become peaceful. But when someone was unsafe in the marriage, separation or divorce doesn’t magically make them safe, reasonable, or cooperative.

Michael reminds us that issues like sex, money, parenting, addiction, manipulation, and emotional abuse don’t disappear just because a couple is no longer together. In many cases, trying to co-parent closely with an unsafe person only creates more opportunities for harm.

Boundaries Protect Your Soul and Reduce Unnecessary Conflict

Kristin shares from her own experience of parenting with a toxic ex-spouse and explains how she learned to put strong boundaries around communication. That meant not answering phone calls, avoiding one-on-one texting when possible, using another person in written communication, meeting in public places, and limiting conversations to only what was necessary.

These boundaries are not punishment. They are protection. As Leslie points out, when someone has repeatedly shown that engaging with them only brings arrows and harm, wisdom means accepting reality and choosing a safer way forward.

Loving Yourself Is Not Unchristian

Many women feel an over-spiritualized obligation to keep sacrificing themselves—to answer every question, calm every outburst, defend every accusation, or rescue the unsafe person from his own consequences. But Jesus told us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.

Kristin names a powerful truth: you have agency now. You have authority over your time, energy, body, and emotional well-being. Sacrifice is beautiful when it leads to life and love, but it is not godly wisdom to continually sacrifice yourself to someone who uses your availability to harm you.

You Can’t Fully Protect Your Children, But You Can Equip Them

One of the hardest truths for any mother is realizing she cannot completely shield her children from the other parent’s toxicity. Kristin shares the deep surrender of recognizing that God loves her son even more than she does—and that while she can make wise choices, she cannot control everything he experiences.

That doesn’t mean doing nothing. It means helping your children recognize what is healthy and unhealthy, teaching them that they have choices, listening without using their pain as a weapon, and helping them build their own safety and discernment over time.

Don’t Put Your Children in the Middle

When the other parent blames, lies, or spiritually shames you in front of the children, it can be tempting to defend yourself by telling the whole story. But children should not have to carry adult burdens.

Kristin offers a wise, age-appropriate response: “Adult problems are really complex, and sometimes adults hurt each other in ways children shouldn’t have to understand. This is not your fault. It is not your responsibility to fix it. I love you.” Leslie adds that if something untrue is said, you can calmly say, “That’s not true. Dad is hurt and angry, and he’s saying some things that aren’t true,” without attacking his character.

You Still Need Support, Rest, and Joy

Parenting is hard. Parenting in a destructive or broken relationship is even harder. Kristin encourages women to get support, remove nonessentials where possible, and intentionally seek moments of real joy—not numbing or avoiding, but small places of delight and refuge with God.

Michael reminds us that self-care does not always require large blocks of time. Sometimes it looks like five minutes in the sunshine, a cup of coffee in prayer, a worship song, or a quiet breath before the next hard thing.

Personal Invitation
If this episode stirred something in you and you’re wondering, “Where do I even begin?” we want to help you take a clear next step.

Download Leslie’s Quickstart Guide to begin gaining clarity, courage, and practical direction for your situation. You don’t have to figure everything out at once. Start with one wise step.

Download the Quickstart Guide here:
https://leslievernick.com/guide

 

Friend, your situation may feel impossible, especially when the other parent refuses to change, take responsibility, or become safe. But even if he never changes, you can.

You can become the grounded, steady, emotionally healthy anchor your children need. You can stop dancing the old destructive dance. You can seek support, walk in truth, and learn to protect your heart without hardening it.

You are not alone. God sees you, He loves your children, and He will give you wisdom for the next right step. Keep walking in truth—one step at a time.

Finding Life, Hope, and Healing After Divorce with Jessica Kastner
Have you ever wondered if your story is over because your marriage ended? Divorce can feel like a death—of dreams, identity, family, and future. But in this tender and hope-filled conversation, Leslie sits down with author and speaker Jessica Kastner to talk honestly about divorce, grief, shame, healing, and the beautiful truth that God is still writing your story.

Jessica shares vulnerably from her own journey through divorce, including the pain of rejection, the temptation to rush into another relationship, and the slow, sacred work of learning that God alone is enough. Together, Leslie and Jessica offer compassion, clarity, and biblical hope for women who feel broken, disqualified, or afraid that life will never feel whole again.

Key Takeaways
Divorce Is Not Your Identity
Jessica reminds women that divorce may be part of your story, but it is not who you are. Your worth is not determined by whether someone chose you, stayed with you, or left you. God created you with purpose, dignity, and calling—and divorce does not cancel that.

Grieving Is Necessary Before Rebuilding
Too often, women try to numb the pain of divorce through dating, busyness, or distraction. Jessica honestly shares how rushing into relationships after her first divorce kept her from grieving and healing. Her encouragement is clear: give yourself time, sit with God in the pain, and allow Him to become your refuge.

You Don’t Need a Man to Be Whole
Leslie and Jessica talk about the difference between wanting companionship and needing a relationship in order to be okay. When another person becomes necessary for your worth, security, or identity, they take a place only God can fill. Healing helps you come into any future relationship as a whole adult—not someone looking to be completed.

Co-Parenting Requires Grace, Boundaries, and Maturity
Divorce creates painful complications, especially when children are involved. Jessica encourages women to focus on the children’s well-being rather than getting caught in power struggles with an ex-spouse. Leslie adds the importance of keeping your side of the street clean through wise boundaries, limited contact when needed, and calm, clear communication.

Your Story Is Not Over
Whether you remarry someday or remain single, your life still matters. Leslie and Jessica challenge the lie that your “best years” are behind you. With God, you can continue to grow, heal, serve, and become a stronger, wiser, more grounded version of yourself.

Personal Invitation
Feeling overwhelmed and unsure where to start? Get the Quickstart Guide and take your next step toward clarity, courage, and healing.

Download the Quickstart Guide here: https://leslievernick.com/guide

Friend, divorce may feel like the end of everything familiar, but it is not the end of you. God is not surprised by your pain, your questions, or your future. He is near to the brokenhearted, faithful in the wilderness, and able to bring beauty from ashes.

You are not disqualified. You are not forgotten. And with God’s help, you can grieve, heal, grow, and step into the next chapter of your life with courage and hope.

Have you ever wondered whether what you’re living through is really abuse—or if maybe you’ve just been told for so long to “pray harder,” “submit more,” and “be a better wife” that you no longer trust your own reality? In this deeply honest episode, Leslie sits down with Kelly Yazzie, Leslie Vernick & Company’s community manager, to talk about her painful journey through sexual abuse, spiritual manipulation, coercive control, and the long road to clarity and healing.

Kelly shares how years of harmful teaching, church responses, and confusion around what God really asks of women kept her trapped in a destructive marriage. But she also offers hope. Through Scripture, truth, support, and courage, Kelly began to reclaim her voice, rebuild her faith, and discover that God does not ask us to suffer our best for someone else’s worst.

Key Takeaways

Abuse can begin early and still be hard to name
Kelly shares that the abuse in her marriage began on her honeymoon, yet it took her years to fully recognize it for what it was. When harmful behavior is wrapped in spiritual language or normalized by church culture, women often question themselves instead of naming the truth.

Bad theology can keep women bonded to harm
One of the most heartbreaking parts of Kelly’s story is how often she sought help, only to be sent back into danger. This episode shines a light on how distorted teachings about submission, forgiveness, and suffering can be used to pressure women to endure abuse rather than wisely confront it.

Biblical submission is not silence, coercion, or one-sided obedience
Kelly unpacks how studying Scripture with fresh eyes changed everything for her. She came to see that biblical submission is mutual and rooted in reverence for Christ, not in domination, fear, or forced compliance.

Healing begins when confusion starts to lift
After discovering her husband’s adultery, Kelly began questioning everything she had been taught. Through Scripture, Leslie’s book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, and the support of safe women, the fog began to clear and she could finally see the manipulation and control for what it was.

You are the one who must choose before God
One of the most powerful moments in this episode is Kelly’s reminder that she was the one who had to make the decision about her future. Even when spiritual leaders pressured her toward a certain outcome, she learned that a godly woman must discern, with God’s help, what is true, wise, and necessary for her own safety and stewardship.

A Personal Invitation

If Kelly’s story stirred something in you and you’re realizing you need clarity, support, and a safer next step, the Quick Start Guide is a wonderful place to begin. It’s designed to help you better understand what’s happening in your relationship, ground yourself in truth, and take wise, practical steps forward.

Get the Quick Start Guide here: https://leslievernick.com/guide

 

Friend, if you have been living under the weight of fear, confusion, or spiritual pressure, please hear this: God sees you. He is not asking you to deny reality in order to be faithful. He is a God of truth, love, wisdom, and light.

There is hope for healing. There is freedom on the other side of confusion. And with God’s help, you can reclaim your voice, renew your faith, and take your next step in courage.

Boundaries, Overfunctioning, and Finding Your Voice in Difficult Relationships

Have you ever tried to set a boundary… only to feel shut down, ignored, or even guilted into backing down?

In this honest and practical episode, Leslie is joined by trusted coach Diana Bala to walk through real-life questions women face every day—how to hold boundaries when someone is angry, how to navigate emotionally draining family dynamics, and how to stop overfunctioning in relationships. Together, they offer compassionate wisdom, biblical truth, and actionable steps to help you move from confusion and exhaustion to clarity and courage. 

 

Key Takeaways

1. Boundaries Are About Your Actions—Not Controlling Theirs
One of the biggest misunderstandings about boundaries is thinking they’re about stopping someone else’s behavior. They’re not. Boundaries are about what you will do when someone behaves in a way that feels unsafe or unhealthy.
Instead of saying, “You can’t yell at me,” a healthier boundary is: “I’m not willing to stay in this conversation when you’re yelling.” This shift empowers you to take responsibility for your own well-being.

2. Staying Grounded When Emotions Escalate
When someone raises their voice or pressures you, your body naturally reacts. You may feel anxious, frozen, or overwhelmed—and that’s normal.
Learning to regulate yourself in those moments—through grounding, breathing, and staying focused on your boundary—helps you avoid getting pulled into circular arguments. You don’t have to respond to every accusation; you can calmly repeat your boundary and disengage.

3. Small Boundaries Still Count (And Build Courage)
If strong, direct boundaries feel unsafe or overwhelming, start small. Even saying, “I can’t talk right now,” or taking a break can be a powerful first step.
These small shifts begin to change the dynamic. They also give you valuable information about how safe the relationship truly is—and whether additional support or a safety plan may be needed.

4. You Are Not Responsible for Other People’s Reactions
This is one of the hardest truths to accept: people may feel disappointed, angry, or upset when you set a boundary—and that doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.
Just as Jesus didn’t say “yes” to everyone, you are allowed to honor your limits. You can be kind and empathetic toward someone’s feelings without taking responsibility for managing them.

5. Overfunctioning Keeps Others From Growing
Overfunctioning often comes from a good heart—but it can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and imbalance. It may even prevent others from stepping into their own responsibilities.
Ask yourself: What am I getting out of this? and Is this actually helping—or enabling?
Letting go of overfunctioning means setting internal boundaries first—deciding what you will and won’t carry—and then consistently following through, even when it feels uncomfortable.

 

If you’re in a relationship that feels confusing, draining, or even destructive, you don’t have to figure this out alone.

The CONQUER Membership is a safe, faith-based space designed specifically for Christian women who want clarity, healing, and practical support. Inside, you’ll find biblical teaching, live coaching, and a community of women walking a similar path.

👉 Learn more here: https://leslievernick.com/membership

 

Friend, learning to set boundaries isn’t about becoming harsh or unkind—it’s about becoming whole.

God cares deeply about your dignity, your safety, and your well-being. As you begin to take even small steps toward honoring yourself, you are also stepping closer to the life of peace and freedom He desires for you.

You are not alone in this journey. With courage, practice, and God’s guidance, change is possible.