How To Love Yourself No Matter What

A few weeks ago I got a no. I applied for something I really wanted, something that would have been a big deal for me and my business, and I didn't get picked. I'm not going to tell you what it was because it doesn't matter. What matters is what happened in the 4 seconds after I read the email, when my brain was off and running with every reason I wasn't good enough and every argument for making myself smaller so it would never happen again. That moment is what this episode is about. Not the no. What you do with the feeling that shows up right after it.
In this episode I talk about the lie we've all been told, that emotions are something you can control, and what to do instead. I walk you through the reframe that landed for me driving in my car: your emotions are employees you don't get to fire. They show up to every meeting whether you hired them or not. You're their boss, but being the boss has never meant getting rid of them. It means respecting them, knowing them by name, understanding where they're coming from and what they feel like in your body, and then deciding what you're going to do with what they're offering. I also talk about why your capacity for this will be lower when life is hard, and what being a good boss to your emotions actually requires of you.
I use figure skating to show you how this works in real time, because I just competed less than a month ago and the adrenaline dumped into my body exactly the way it always does. Fear showed up and told me to run. I didn't argue with her and I didn't pretend she wasn't there. I said, of course you're here, let's go, and I used that energy for my jumps. Shaky arms, shaky legs, brain trying to devolve, and me in the middle of it going, no baby, dig in, where's the music, what's next. That's what being the boss looks like. It's the same thing my clients go through when they're dating and terrified of liking someone who won't like them back. Same emotion, same body, same job.
Key Takeaways:
You don't control your emotions. Nobody does. Every plan that starts with "I just need to stop feeling this" fails, and then you make the failure mean something about you.
Your emotions are employees you can't fire. They're always on the team. Being the boss means leading them, not getting rid of them.
Respect comes first, and respect means acknowledgement. You can't acknowledge a feeling you can't name, so get an emotions wheel and move past "anxious, sad, mad."
Understand where it comes from (the thought or belief underneath) and what it feels like in your body. You can't lead someone you don't understand.
Then decide. Is what this feeling is offering what we're going to use, in the way it's offered? If not, how are we going to redirect it? Fear becomes fuel. You go anyway.
Being a good boss to your emotions means sleep, regulation, things that ground you, and getting support where you need it. Your capacity will be lower when life is hard, and nothing is going wrong when it is.
If you're exhausted from overthinking and stress, come to my free weekly class. I'll teach you this concept and several others so you can start feeling at home in your own brain. Sign up at amandahess.ca/overthink. And come find me on Instagram at theamandahess and message me what you took away from this one. I'd love to answer your questions.
Links referenced in this episode:
https://amandahess.ca/overthink
https://www.instagram.com/theamandahess

Bittersweet is the feeling of saying hello and goodbye at the same time, and if you're resisting it, you're in a lot more pain than you need to be.
In this episode I talk about the seasonal change we're in right now, both the one happening outside your window and the one happening in your life. Kids leaving home, parents aging, friendships shifting, chapters closing before the next one has really started. I see it in my clients in their 20s who are anxious to make spring happen faster, and I see it in my clients in their 70s who have bigger things landing on their doorstep every year. Fall is the season that unsettles people the most, and I break down why, plus the two things you actually need in place to let that emotion move through you instead of running from it: a nervous system that's regulated enough to feel safe feeling, and the skill of letting an emotion through. I also get into the difference between distracting and grounding, because the activity can look exactly the same and the intention changes everything.
I recorded this one a few weeks after driving to my skating competition with the low October sun coming through the window and the leaves starting to turn, and it hit me right in the chest. My mom passed away in August years ago, and that first fall without Sunday dinners at her house is still in my body every October. This is also the season my friend is in right now with one kid in university and one in grade 12, feeling anxious and depressed at the same time and wondering what's wrong with her. Nothing is wrong with her. That's bittersweet, and you can learn to hold it.
Key Takeaways:
Bittersweet is one of the most painful emotions to resist because resisting it means resisting what's really happening.
You are not wallowing. You're struggling with how to process an emotion nobody ever taught you to process.
Distracting and grounding can look like the exact same activity. The intention is what makes it one or the other.
Growing your capacity for emotion is not optional as you get older. Bigger life things show up, and you need to be able to hold them.
Once you know how to let an emotion through, it's just reps. But learning the skill is hard to do alone.
Emotional confidence around things ending is what lets you relax into a fall season knowing spring is coming.
If this is landing for you, book a discovery call with me. Learning the difference between distracting and grounding, and feeling safe while an emotion is moving through you, is exactly what I teach, and it is so much easier with someone doing it alongside you.
Links referenced in this episode:
The Creative Act: A Way of Being by Rick Rubin
Book a free discovery call: amandahess.ca/bookacall

The main point: a lot of us are essentially “cold-blooded” — meaning neurodivergent, ADHD-leaning, or simply sensory-sensitive — and our capacity to function hinges on the micro-environmental inputs we can control, so the real leverage is finding and installing your own “warm rocks.” I say this as someone who’s both lived it and coaches people through it: treating this as a physiological truth (think autonomic nervous system reactivity, interoceptive sensitivity, and increased allostatic load) reframes failures of willpower into predictable consequences of mismatched context and depleted executive function. Practically, that looks like environmental scaffolding and co-regulation strategies — noise-cancelling headphones, private rooms, scheduled solo sabbaticals, coaching that actually speaks our language — which reduce cognitive load, stabilize arousal regulation, and free up prefrontal resources for creativity and problem-solving. We unpack why school and many workplaces are “warm-blooded systems” expecting self-regulation, why that mismatch produces chronic survival mode for cold-blooded folks, and how compassionate, tailored interventions (behavioral scaffolds, rhythm-based routines, and targeted supports) create reproducible capacity. I also argue that coach–client pairing matters: a warm-blooded coach pushing platitudes won’t help a cold-blooded person, whereas a coach versed in neurodiversity and sensory modulation can provision the right hot-rock architecture. So, here’s my ask in jargon and plain English: identify one or two warm rocks this week, implement them (external supports + boundary engineering), and test the hypothesis that your environment, not your moral failing, is the variable you can change to feel better and do more.
Some of us are warm-blooded and some of us are cold-blooded, and if you're cold-blooded, your surroundings decide a lot more about how you function than you've been told.
In this episode I talk about a conversation I had with my colleague and friend Elena that shifted something big for me. She shared the idea that people with ADHD are often "cold-blooded." Like a lizard, they don't regulate their own temperature, so their environment plays a huge role in how well they can think, create, cope, and feel okay. Warm-blooded people can move through a messy house, no sleep, a loud room, and a packed social event and still get on with their day. Cold-blooded people can't, and most of us were raised in a warm-blooded world that expected us to act warm-blooded anyway.
I also share what this looked like for me at a recent international figure skating competition, why I couldn't create the way I wanted to while I was there, and the "warm rocks" I've learned to put in place for myself, like alone time as an introvert and being coached by people who understand how I tick. When you know you're cold-blooded, you can stop judging yourself for struggling and start giving yourself what you need.
Key Takeaways:
Cold-blooded people are deeply affected by their environment, and that's not something you chose
Most sensitive people, neurodivergent people, and a lot of women are more cold-blooded than we realize
Pushing through a cold environment while pretending you're warm drains a huge amount of energy
Warm rocks are the external supports that make the hard things easier: your space, your structure, your support, your alone time
Look at where you're struggling and ask what warm rock would make it simpler
Pick one or two warm rocks, put them in your week, and see what happens
If you want help figuring out where your warm rocks need to be and what they could look like, book a discovery call. We'll look at where you're struggling, what support you need in place, and how to structure it so it works for the way you're wired.
You are not the only one. I promise you that.
Links referenced in this episode:
https://amandahess.ca/bookacall
Takeaways:
I reframed my struggles through an ADHD “cold-blooded” metaphor — using thermoregulatory language and autonomic nervous system concepts to explain how environmental affordances and sensory gating impact executive functioning and creative capacity, which gives me permission to stop pathologizing myself.
We need to identify our “warm rocks” — concrete environmental and structural scaffolds that reduce allostatic load and optimize our cognitive bandwidth for sustained task performance.
I noticed that trying to perform high-demand tasks in a cold environment depletes my capacity, so we prioritize situational modifications like solitude, noise-cancelling headphones, or scheduled coaching to enhance sustained attention and creative output.
Because society expects warm-blooded norms, I argued for compassion and systemic accommodation: educational and workplace designs should integrate neurodiversity-informed ergonomics and predictable routines to prevent chronic regulatory overload.
I confess I use coaching as a personal hot rock — it's targeted external scaffolding that recalibrates my inner homeostasis, reduces executive friction, and helps me translate aspirational goals into implementable micro-behaviors (no shame, just strategy).
Practical action step: we pick one or two warm rocks this week — experiment with environmental tweaks, temporal structuring, or social boundaries, then monitor shifts in productivity, mood, and perceived capacity to see what actually increases our regulatory resilience.

Links referenced in this episode:
amandahess.ca/bookacall

I'm at an international adult figure skating competition this week, and it got me thinking about why we stop doing hard things — and what happens to us when we do.
This episode is about doing the hard thing. Not the hard things that life hands you without asking — the sickness, the loss, the layoff, the breakup. I'm talking about the hard things you choose. The ones where your brain says "maybe I could do that" and then immediately talks you out of it.
I tell you about getting a score of 11 when the skater before me got a 22, sitting in the kiss and cry trying to figure out what just happened, and why I skated away from that knowing I need to grow my capacity for embarrassment — not avoid it. I share the difference between tolerating embarrassment (grinning and bearing it, hoping it never happens again) and actually growing your capacity for it (feeling it all the way through, having your own back, and moving on to the next thing). I talk about why courage isn't a personality trait — it's a skill you build, and how you can be courageous in one area of your life and terrified in another. And I tell you about the skater who's brave enough to compete but scared to start her business, because that's exactly how it works.
I also tell you why paying the entry fee is the easy part, why "what do I think I can do?" is the wrong question, and why fulfillment isn't something you find — it's something that arrives when you start doing things that scare you on purpose.
Key Takeaways:
Life hands you enough hard things you didn't choose. You need to add hard things you do choose — things that scare you, light you up, and make you think "fuck yeah, I did that."
"What do I think I can do?" is the wrong question. It's the question that keeps you small, and it gets more tempting the older you get.
You won't die from embarrassment. I know because I've been dead last by a lot, and I'm still here. You need to grow your capacity to feel embarrassed, not avoid it.
Tolerating embarrassment is grinning and bearing it and hoping it never happens again. Growing your capacity is feeling it all the way through, having your own back, and moving on to the next thing.
Courage isn't a personality trait. Nobody is naturally courageous. It's a skill, and once you know how to grow it, you can grow it anywhere, on demand.
You can be courageous in one area and terrified in another. The skater who competes without flinching but is afraid to start her business? That's all of us.
Fulfillment isn't something you find. It's something that arrives when you start doing hard things on purpose — growing your capacity for embarrassment and your ability to create courage.
Book a call with me: If you listen to this and something in you goes "oh, that's me — I need that," I want to talk to you. It's a free discovery call, just you and me, and it is a courageous first step. It might be the first time you let yourself say out loud what you actually want.
Book it here: amandahess.ca/bookacall
I'm at my competition until Saturday and heading home Sunday, but I want to talk to you next week.
Links referenced in this episode:
amandahess.ca/bookacall

Something goes wrong and your very first thought is "what did I do?" An unexpected meeting lands on your calendar and you spend the whole week reviewing everything you might have messed up. Someone's in a bad mood and you're already scanning for how it was you. That reflex has a name, it's called internalized blame, and it is not the same thing as taking responsibility for your life. It's the thing that keeps you small, quiet, and convinced there's no solution because the problem is you.
In this episode I'm joined by my mentor, my friend, and the reason I'm a coach at all, Maggie Reyes. Maggie is a feminist marriage coach and she's been part of my life since 2018. We talk about the difference between personal responsibility (which shows you where your choices are) and internalized blame (which just tells you something is wrong with you), why women get this messaging everywhere all the time, and what to do when you catch yourself blaming yourself for blaming yourself. Maggie shares the question she gives every client who does this, the pattern interrupt she gave a client whose thoughts felt like an assault, and the one thing she wants you to remember when you feel stuck in a job or a relationship past its expiry date.
I told the "doing an Amanda" story again on this one, and Maggie told me what her mom used to say to her in Spanish. It turns out both of us grew up being ridiculed for things that were just our brains doing their thing. We also got a spider on my clock mid-recording and Maggie looked up what it means. Apparently it's personal power and being the author of your own life. I'll take it.
Key Takeaways:
Personal responsibility asks "what was my role in this?" and moves you forward. Internalized blame says "something must be wrong with me" and leaves you in shame with no way out.
Being embarrassed that you fell down, bumped into something, or lost your balance is blaming yourself for being human. Humans fall. Humans bump into things. That's not going away.
When in doubt, assume it wasn't you. Yes, it feels arrogant. Do it on purpose anyway, because the honest truth is most of the time it isn't you and you never even consider that.
Ask "what else is also true?" You don't have to suddenly think amazing things about yourself. You just have to make room for the other nine things that are also true.
When the thoughts come in like a rampage, don't fight them. "Thank you. I hear you. That may or may not be true." Say it as many times as you need to. Tug on the rope and the dog pulls harder.
You have choices. Most of us stay in situations that hurt us because we get amnesia about that. "What are my choices here?" is the question that changes everything.
Call to Action:
Book a call with me: If you listened to this and heard yourself in it, if your first reaction to everything is "what did I do," I want to talk to you. It's a free call, just you and me on Zoom, and we'll figure out what's actually going on and what you want to do about it.
You are not the only one. I promise you that.
About Maggie Reyes:
Maggie Reyes is a Master Certified Life Coach, feminist marriage coach, and mentor on a mission to help women find their power in all their relationships—starting with marriage. She works with high-achieving women whose marriages are loving, respectful, and quietly stuck, helping them create meaningful change without waiting for their partners to participate first.
Maggie hosts The Marriage Life Coach Podcast (top 2% globally, 200+ episodes) and is the author of the bestselling Questions for Couples Journal. Her background in HR leadership in the cruise industry and at a multi-state law firm gives her a sharp read on power dynamics and high-stakes communication that translates directly into her coaching.
Based in Miami, Maggie is a Cuban-American Filipina who brings a compassionate feminist lens to her work. She's currently obsessed with Heated Rivalry, and also loves Formula One and Bridgerton.
Links Referenced:
amandahess.ca/bookacall
Maggie's website: https://maggiereyes.com/
Maggie on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themaggiereyes/
The Marriage Life Coach Podcast: https://maggiereyes.com/podcast
Questions for Couples Journal: https://maggiereyes.com/