Bite Your Tongue: The Podcast

What does it really mean to be a “good daughter”?
For many women, it means remembering birthdays, making the phone calls, planning the holidays, buying the gifts, checking on aging parents, keeping siblings connected—and carrying an enormous amount of emotional and mental work that nobody else sees.
Dr. Alison Alford, author of Good Daughtering: The Work You've Always Done, the Credit You've Never Gotten, and How to Finally Feel Enough, calls this work “daughtering.” Her research explores the active—and often invisible—ways adult daughters work to keep families connected. 
In this episode of Bite Your Tongue, we speak to Dr. Alford about what daughtering looks like today, particularly when women are also juggling careers, partners, children, friendships and households.
We discuss social reproductive labor and the “first, second and third shifts”: our paid work; the work of running a household; and the wider work of maintaining family and community relationships. Dr. Alford points out that men certainly do this work, too, but women are still more often expected to do it. 
We also explore:
The hypothesis of generosity. Rather than assuming an adult child's silence or absence means something is wrong in the relationship, what if we make the most generous assumption possible? Maybe they love us very much—and have simply run out of resources. 
Rumination. Dr. Alford compares replaying our hurts and worries to repeatedly running water through the same coffee grounds: eventually everything becomes bitter. Filling our own lives and practicing gratitude can help break that cycle. 
Connection versus information. When we finally get our adult children on the phone, are we peppering them with questions? Dr. Alford suggests preparing a few interesting things we can bring to the conversation instead. 
Conversational “doorknobs.” Offer topics your child can choose to open—or not. An article, a funny story, something happening in your own life. Every doorknob doesn't have to be opened. 
Judgment versus curiosity. Even positive responses such as “That's great!” can sometimes close a conversation. Instead, try curiosity: “How did you come to that?” 
Matrophobia—the fear of becoming one's mother—and why a daughter's desire to be different from us doesn't necessarily mean she's rejecting us. 
And one final challenge for parents: Are we asking our daughters and daughters-in-law to carry responsibilities we don't expect from our sons? Dr. Alford suggests distributing the work. Sometimes, simply text your son instead.
Resources Mentioned
Dr. Alison Alford's Good Daughtering and her work: Daughtering 101
Dr. Alford also recommends Eve Rodsky's Fair Play, which looks at the often-invisible work required to keep a household and family functioning. Learn about Fair Play and the book
There is also a Fair Play card deck designed to help couples talk about and redistribute household responsibilities. I'm intrigued by this one! The Fair Play Deck PenguinRandomhouse.com
And here's the article Dr. Alford mentions about creating conversational “doorknobs”: Good Conversations Have Lots of Doorknobs
To send us your own question for a future episode:
Call our Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: BiteYourTonguePodcast@gmail.com
We are on SUBSTACK now too - with "Behind the Mic."  We talk about how the episode resonated with us and share some inside scoop that you won't want to miss.
Please follow us on social media now.  It helps us so much.  Facebook Instagram
Huge thanks to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.  
Website: biteyourtonguepodcast.com
Substack: Behind the Mic
Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: biteyourtonguepodcast@gmail.com
And remember…
sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.
Support the show
 
 
The site and podcast do not contain any medical/health information or advice. The medical/health information is for general information and educational purposes only and is not suitable for professional device. Accordingly, before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. We do not provide any kind of medical/health advice. THE USE OF OR RELIANCE OF ANY INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE OR PODCAST IS SOLELY AT YOUR OWN RISK.

How do you set boundaries with an adult child struggling with addiction when every limit feels frightening—and potentially dangerous?
In this episode, a listener describes the painful cycle her family has been living through: addiction, crisis, promises, hope and then another setback. She loves her adult child and wants to do everything possible to keep them safe. But she is also exhausted, frightened and no longer sure whether repeatedly stepping in is helping—or allowing the cycle to continue.
Therapist Joe Nucci joins us to talk about one of the most difficult situations a parent can face.
We discuss:
Why addiction changes the way parents need to think about help, responsibility and boundaries
The difference between supporting recovery and repeatedly rescuing someone from the consequences of addiction
Why parents cannot control another person’s willingness to seek treatment
How fear of the worst possible outcome can keep families trapped in unsustainable patterns
Why setting a boundary is not the same as abandoning an adult child
The importance of deciding what help parents can—and cannot—continue providing
Why parents need support and guidance of their own
How to remain loving and emotionally available without taking responsibility for another adult’s recovery
This is not a conversation about becoming cold or turning away from someone who is ill.
It is about recognizing that love does not give parents the power to control addiction—and that sacrificing their own emotional, physical and financial well-being cannot guarantee their child’s safety.
Listen to the full episode for more/
To send us your own question for a future episode:
Call our Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: BiteYourTonguePodcast@gmail.com
We are on SUBSTACK now too - with "Behind the Mic."  We talk about how the episode resonated with us and share some inside scoop that you won't want to miss.
Please follow us on social media now.  It helps us so much.  Facebook Instagram
Huge thanks to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.  
Website: biteyourtonguepodcast.com
Substack: Behind the Mic
Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: biteyourtonguepodcast@gmail.com
And remember…
sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.

Support the show
 
 
The site and podcast do not contain any medical/health information or advice. The medical/health information is for general information and educational purposes only and is not suitable for professional device. Accordingly, before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. We do not provide any kind of medical/health advice. THE USE OF OR RELIANCE OF ANY INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE OR PODCAST IS SOLELY AT YOUR OWN RISK.

If you've listened to Bite Your Tongue for a while, you may remember this conversation with friendship expert Shasta Nelson. I'm bringing it back because when I listened to it again, I realized just how much is packed into this episode.
Yes, we talk about friendship—but we also talk about something at the very heart of this podcast: How do we build a healthier, more adult relationship with our grown children?
Shasta introduces us to what she calls the Friendship Triangle: positivity, consistency and vulnerability. And while she developed it around friendship, those same three things can tell us a lot about our relationships with our adult kids.
One part really stayed with me.
Shasta says vulnerability with our adult children isn't telling them what we think they should do differently. It's having the courage to ask what we might have done differently.
Can we ask: How did I impact you in ways I may not even realize? What was hard for you growing up? What do you wish I had done more of—or less of?
And then comes the really hard part: Can we listen to the answer without defending ourselves?
But there's another piece of this conversation I think is equally important.
We need lives and relationships outside our children.
I said during this interview that the fuller my own life is, the less I feel I have to depend on my kids. Shasta takes that idea even further. Our adult children can be incredibly important relationships in our lives—but they don't have to be our best friends. We need people our own age who can listen to us, challenge us and help us process our own feelings.
Maybe those two ideas are more connected than I realized the first time we recorded this episode.
The stronger and fuller we are outside the relationship, the better able we may be to show up inside it—with less need, less judgment, more curiosity and more vulnerability.
So whether you heard this episode the first time around or you're discovering it today, I hope you'll listen again. I certainly heard some things differently this time.
To send us your own question for a future episode:
Call our Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: BiteYourTonguePodcast@gmail.com
We are on SUBSTACK now too - with "Behind the Mic."  We talk about how the episode resonated with us and share some inside scoop that you won't want to miss.
Please follow us on social media now.  It helps us so much.  Facebook Instagram
Huge thanks to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.  
Website: biteyourtonguepodcast.com
Substack: Behind the Mic
Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: biteyourtonguepodcast@gmail.com
And remember…
sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.
Support the show
 
 
The site and podcast do not contain any medical/health information or advice. The medical/health information is for general information and educational purposes only and is not suitable for professional device. Accordingly, before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. We do not provide any kind of medical/health advice. THE USE OF OR RELIANCE OF ANY INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE OR PODCAST IS SOLELY AT YOUR OWN RISK.

If you've ever stared at your phone wondering whether to send that text, this episode is for you.  Sometimes the silence lasts longer than you want.  Sometimes you feel them pushing away.
That's why this episode of Straight from the Listener Line: Real Questions, Real Answers, tackles one of the most emotionally difficult dilemmas parents face.
If your adult child isn't reaching out, should you call? Text? Wait? And how do you stay connected without feeling like you're chasing them?
We talk to one of our favorite therapists Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein (Dr. Jeff).  
Together we discuss:
How often should parents reach out?
The difference between inviting connection and expressing frustration
Why "keeping score" damages relationships
How to talk about communication without sounding critical
What to do when you're afraid you're doing too much—or not enough
Are you inviting connection or pushing them away. 
We found Dr. Jeff's advice to be spot on and we hope this listener who posed the question finds help, but also that all of the listeners find a kernel of support or help that they can take with them. 
To send us your own question for a future episode:
Call our Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: BiteYourTonguePodcast@gmail.com
We are on SUBSTACK now too - with "Behind the Mic."  We talk about how the episode resonated with us and share some inside scoop that you won't want to miss.
Please follow us on social media now.  It helps us so much.  Facebook Instagram
Huge thanks to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.  
Website: biteyourtonguepodcast.com
Substack: Behind the Mic
Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: biteyourtonguepodcast@gmail.com
And remember…
sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.
Support the show
 
 
The site and podcast do not contain any medical/health information or advice. The medical/health information is for general information and educational purposes only and is not suitable for professional device. Accordingly, before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. We do not provide any kind of medical/health advice. THE USE OF OR RELIANCE OF ANY INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE OR PODCAST IS SOLELY AT YOUR OWN RISK.

This is an episode re-run and one that is still so relevant and needs a re-listen. It seems actually that it is even more relevant today.  Parent's are still asking Parents are still asking, "How do I stay close to my adult child without pushing them away?" Francine Toder's answer isn't another communication technique—it's something much harder: look at yourself first.
When our children become adults, many of us assume the hardest years are behind us. But for countless parents, the challenges simply change.
In this thoughtful conversation, psychologist and author Dr. Francine Toder explains why building healthy relationships with our adult children requires something many of us never expected: changing ourselves.
Drawing from her book Your Kids Are Grown: Parenting 2.0, Francine explores why parents often experience anxiety, disappointment, and even physical stress over their adult children's decisions—and why those feelings are often signals that we need to pause before reacting.
Together we discuss:
Why our expectations often become our biggest obstacle
What that "knot in your stomach" really means
How parents unintentionally push adult children away
The importance of treating adult children as equals
Why advice—even well-intended advice—can feel like criticism (we've heard this before!)
How gifts and financial help sometimes come with hidden strings
The role of self-awareness in repairing relationships
Why our children don't need us to fix everything—they need us to understand them
How to create a meaningful life beyond parenting
If you've ever wondered whether you're helping—or accidentally hurting—your relationship with your adult child, this episode is filled with compassionate insight and practical wisdom.
To send us your own question for a future episode:
Call our Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: BiteYourTonguePodcast@gmail.com
We are on SUBSTACK now too - with "Behind the Mic."  We talk about how the episode resonated with us and share some inside scoop that you won't want to miss.
Please follow us on social media now.  It helps us so much.  Facebook Instagram
Huge thanks to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.  
Website: biteyourtonguepodcast.com
Substack: Behind the Mic
Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: biteyourtonguepodcast@gmail.com
And remember…
sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.
Support the show
 
 
The site and podcast do not contain any medical/health information or advice. The medical/health information is for general information and educational purposes only and is not suitable for professional device. Accordingly, before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. We do not provide any kind of medical/health advice. THE USE OF OR RELIANCE OF ANY INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE OR PODCAST IS SOLELY AT YOUR OWN RISK.