Today’s episode is a really special one because I’m joined by my dear friend and former client, Alyssa, and we’re talking about something that so many women with anxious attachment quietly wonder:
What does secure love actually feel like?
Not the Instagram version.
Not the “perfect relationship” fantasy.
But what it feels like inside your body when the spiraling, the overthinking, and the constant mental gymnastics in your relationship finally start to settle.
Because when you’re deep in anxious attachment, it can feel incredibly defeating.
You’re reading the books.
Saving the posts.
Going to therapy.
Trying to say the right things.
And yet… you still feel stuck in the same patterns.
In this conversation, Alyssa shares what her relationship and inner world actually looked like before doing this work — including:
• Believing the real problem was “communication”
• Trying to word things perfectly so her partner would respond the right way
• Doing all the reading, therapy, and Instagram saving… but still feeling stuck
• The exhaustion of overthinking every conversation
• Why “knowing the information” didn’t actually change anything
We also talk about something I see constantly with high-achieving women:
being extremely self-aware… but still spiraling in relationships.
Alyssa shares honestly about what finally shifted for her and what secure love started to feel like when things began to change.
If you’ve ever thought:
“Why do I keep overthinking even though I know better?”
“Why can’t I stop spiraling in my relationship?”
“Why do I feel so emotionally exhausted from love?”
This conversation will likely feel very familiar.
You’re not broken.
And you’re definitely not the only one who’s felt this way.
Welcome back to the Be That Healing Girl Podcast!
Today we’re talking about something I see constantly with my clients...and honestly something I know very well from my own life too: the overthinking spiral.
You know the one. You reread the texts. You rewrite the message three times before sending it. You rehearse the conversation in the shower, in the car, before bed… maybe 12 times.
You tell yourself you're just trying to be thoughtful or self-aware.
But your brain is basically running a full soap opera about a situation that hasn’t even happened yet.
And the worst part? Most of the time nothing is actually wrong, but your brain refuses to relax.
In this episode we talk about:
- The difference between overthinking and self-sabotage
- Why high-achieving, self-aware women get stuck in relationship rumination
- The “rewrite the text five times” pattern
- Why reassurance from your partner never actually sticks
- How overthinking is often just a really smart form of self-protection
- Why healing anxious attachment requires learning to sit in uncertainty
Because the truth is… when you're in that spiral, you're not really trying to solve a problem.
You're trying to get relief.
And your brain is convinced that if it just analyzes the situation one more time, you'll finally feel safe.
Spoiler: it doesn't work like that.
I also share a bit about what's been coming up for me personally as I prepare for a big family trip where I’ll be seeing my dad for the first time in 11 years - and how easy it is to slip into trying to say the “perfect thing” instead of just being present.
If you’ve ever thought:
“Am I overthinking this?”
“Am I self-sabotaging something good?”
“Why can’t my brain just chill?”
This episode is for you!
Take a breath.
You’re not crazy.
Your brain just learned a really intense way of trying to protect you.
And we’re going to talk about it.
💌 Ready for deeper support? Inside Healing Girl Gang, we practice the tools and reps that move you from anxious attachment → secure connection.
🔥Click here to grab the Relationship Glow-up Guide! 🔥
💖JOIN THE HEALING GIRL GANG!💖
🔥CONFIDENCE CODE 💕
FOLLOW CLARE ON Instagram, TikTok or YouTube
WORK WITH ME: VIP 1:1 Session
South Africa