What Fresh Hell: Parenting, Relationships, and Making Life Better, with Two Funny Moms

We think of rewarding kids as a surefire way to get the behavior we want. But what if rewards mainly serve to underline our children's instrinsic drive to succeed? Dr. Özgür Bolat, education scientist and author of The Reward Trap: Why Rewards Backfire and the Real Science for Motivating Kids, explains why rewarding kids may actually undermine their motivation in the long run.

As Dr. Bolat explains, there's a difference between motivation and compliance. Rewards can get children to do something, but they don't necessarily create the ownership, engagement, or intrinsic motivation parents actually want.

In this episode, we discuss:

How rewards can change the way children view an activity

Hedonic adaptation and why rewards often need to get bigger to have the same effect

The connection between rewards, praise, and controlling parenting

How autonomy-enhancing parenting differs from control

Why family chores can help children develop a sense of responsibility and prosocial values

Mastery orientation vs. performance orientation, and how each affects children's anxiety and motivation

Why focusing too heavily on grades, competition, and achievement can create performance anxiety

How parents can encourage curiosity and help kids find motivation even in subjects they don't initially enjoy

The role of flow in learning and why children become deeply engaged when a task matches their skill level

Why differentiated learning matters—and what happens when work is too easy or too difficult

How rewards and competition in school can contribute to learned helplessness

Why understanding big concepts can actually help children remember facts and information

Dr. Bolat's PEACE model for building connection with children

How getting curious about the reason behind a child's behavior can reveal what they actually need

Why a homework problem may be a symptom of a much bigger issue around fear, judgment, or connection

Here's where you can find Dr. Bolat:

https://ozgurbolat.co.uk/

LinkedIn

@dr.ozgurbolat on IG

https://ozgurbolat.substack.com/

Buy THE REWARD TRAP: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9798893961805

What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables.

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website:

⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/
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What happens when one child’s needs take up most of a family’s attention? Even when parents are doing their best, it can be easy for another child to quietly become the “easy” one—the independent kid, the high achiever, the people-pleaser who never seems to need anything.

In this episode, we discuss:

What the term glass child means and why some children can become overlooked

How hyperindependence can be both a strength and a sign that a child doesn't feel comfortable asking for help

Why people-pleasing isn't inherently a bad quality—and when it can become a problem

How being the “easy,” responsible, or high-achieving child can lead to perfectionism

Why some kids learn to hide anger, sadness, resentment, or other difficult emotions

The importance of making space for children to express complicated feelings without judgment

How small-T trauma and difficult family dynamics can affect kids even when their experiences don't seem “bad enough” compared with someone else's

Why children may act out or seek negative attention when they're feeling overlooked

How parents can use short, intentional moments of one-on-one connection to help every child feel seen

The idea behind the 7-minute rule: finding small windows of distraction-free connection throughout the day

How connection can look different at different ages, from play and cuddling with young children to mentorship and open communication with teens

Why you don't need to perfectly balance your attention every single day to make your kids feel loved and supported

Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode:

Jenn Lonzer for the Cleveland Clinic: Always Coping, Rarely Seen: Explaining Glass Child Syndrome

Dr Becky Kennedy of "Good Inside" blog: What is the 777 Rule in Parenting?

Corinne Masur for Psychology Today: Helping Kids Feel They Matter

Our episode When One of Our Kids Takes Up All of Our Bandwidth

Our Fresh Take with Sara Hirsh Bordo

Harlan Cohen on IG

What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables.

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website:

⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This "Deep Dive" series revisits a few of our past episodes on back-to-school challenges such as the morning rush, school projects which require lots of parental oversight, and how to help our kids navigate intensifying academic pressure.

Whether it’s the science fair, the pinewood derby, or a pre-K shoebox diorama, sooner or later every kid gets assigned a school project that is, without question, a PARENTS' project. What four-year-old can fashion her own “Dress As Your Patron Saint” costume? What sixth-grader can attempt proper MLA citation format without extreme maternal participation?

It’s not so much the projects we mind— it’s the feeling that however we handle it, we’re doing it wrong. If we make the origami cranes for the kid, we’re snowplow parents. If we send them in with a social studies project they made entirely themselves out of paper plates and crayons, we also own their cheek-burning shame when their projects pale in comparison to the professionally produced ones of their peers.

In this episode, we discuss how to discern the right amount of help such projects require: not too much, and not too little. Sure, we can help our kids win the battle of the pinewood derby… but we really want to win the war of having our kids who can someday accomplish things all by themselves.



Here’s links to research and other writing we discuss in this episode:

Susan Messina for Huffington Post: ⁠That Fake Science Fair Poster That Went Viral? I Made It. Here's Why⁠

Dana Goldstein for The Atlantic: ⁠Don't Help Your Kids With Their Homework⁠

⁠The Broken Compass: Parental Involvement With Children’s Education ⁠

Dr. Keith Robinson and Dr. Angel Harris for the New York Times: ⁠Parental Involvement Is Overrated⁠

Wendy Wisner for Scary Mommy: ⁠It’s Obvious When Parents Complete Their Kid’s School Projects, So Please Stop⁠

⁠easybib.com⁠ (Amy recommends for an easier way to create bibliographies)

⁠sciencebuddies.org⁠ (Amy recommends as a resource to choose science fair projects)

What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables.

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website:

⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Kids (and adults) with ADHD don't actually have a deficit of attention. Today, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is more properly understood as a deficit of executive function— and as this week's guest ⁠Michael McLeod⁠, founder of GrowNOW ADHD and author of ⁠THE EXECUTIVE FUNCTION PLAYBOOK⁠, explains, executive function means a whole lot more than a messy backpack.

To help kids with ADHD succeed, Michael argues, parents need to help children strengthen the internal skills that lead to lifelong independence. In this interview, drawing from his decades of experience working with families whose kids are growing up with ADHD, Michael explains his four-pillar framework for developing executive functioning skills: self-awareness, self-regulation, self-motivation, and self-evaluation.

In this episode, you'll learn:

How self-awareness and "time blindness" can affect daily life when you have ADHD

Why novel experiences are crucial opportunities for kids with ADHD

How exposure to screens intensifies ADHD symptoms

Why negative attention feels great to the ADHD brain

How to support ADHD kids without lowering expectations for their capability

Here's where you can find Michael:

www. grownowadhd.com

@grownowADHD on IG, FB, and YouTube

Buy THE EXECUTIVE FUNCTION PLAYBOOK: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9781394309153

Buy the accompanying workbook: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9781394364589

What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables.

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website:

⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Are you certain that people are only pretending to enjoy cilantro? Or mah jongg? We asked our listeners to tell us the things they're convinced no one actually likes. From complicated board games to high school graduations, we discuss the most nominated to be overrated.

Here's the link to all of the hilarious answers people gave in our Facebook group!

What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables.

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website:

⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices