Soft Rebellion

I needed to talk to my friend first before I could post this episode.

The fact that I recorded it a week ago, and today I had the most emotional day ever and guy showed me so much love and support is the reason why I’m gonna be a male(him)-centred pick me🤧. Sonqeni!

The cliches about how he makes me wanna cook for him among other acts of service are sadly true. And this is hard to admit because I don’t like the idea of actually really liking and even loving a man. I am also very scared of embarrassment. I’ve experienced it too many times, especially when you start raving.

But I also don’t want to live in fear that things might not workout or that this is not real or that it will end in tears. Whatever valid reasons I have to be fearful, I have also have an equal number of reasons to be excited, enjoy this and stay optimistic because I actually really want partnership. I think it makes me better, or at least pushes me to look after myself more and in turn, have a better quality of life.

This trip home really brought up a lot of childhood memories I had long forgotten about growing up in rural areas. Often, I think about my time there quite fondly. I romanticise it. But it occurred to me that I have been romanticising my experiences a lot, and it may have been in part, a survival tactic and the other part because the rural Eastern Cape is the only home I know.

I’m sure there’s a few of us who have survived some experience or period in our lives. My intention for this episode is that we reflect on how far we’ve come and how much distance we’ve put between our current life and the one we lived before. To be proud of that even in the process of striving for more. And more importantly, to think about ways in which we can help those left behind to follow in our footsteps and survive.

I’m only posting this because my dog is fine. He hasn’t fully recovered yet but it’s the most positive improvement I’ve seen in 8 days. That has brought me so much relief. I really thought I’d lose him and I don’t know what I would have done. But the cost of love is getting your heart broken. Does this mean I would have been better off not loving at all or being haunted by memories of loving him when he was alive? I don’t know, and right, I’m so glad that I don’t have to find out.

This has plagued me so much, but ASI articulated it so well for me I wish I could attach a link to that video.

Our femininity is natural and it doesn’t exist for women’s pleasure but our own. It is unfortunate for me that some of that femininity has been dulled down by the negative perceptions of those around me. I realise that it was out of fear and in some way, was intended for my benefit. But it caused more harm than good.

I think an open conversation about what they were afraid of would have helped more than the fear mongering. It was also very confusing to think something that came so naturally to me, that I hadn’t been taught, could be so wrong or carry a negative stigma. I imagine those feelings are a fraction of what gays, lesbians and others within the LGBTQIA+ community feel about their existence.

We seriously need to start talking to each other and having open conversations with younger generations if anything is to change.

I’ve come across so many people on social media who are afraid to be seen - to be seen trying something in case they fail, to be seen commenting on other people’s posts, and to even post on their profiles. Some of these people are close to me and yet experience these fears because of public opinion.

While I understand some of it, I am concerned about the cost of not trying because of fear. The opportunities of connection, and of progress that fear steals because without motion, we stay exactly in the same position. But here’s what I learnt - none of it matters. We must each free ourselves from the fear of being perceived because none of us are making it out of here alive.

We’re all doomed! The world is doomed and on fire like I shared in the previous episode. The moral high ground that society has established for us isn’t real. It is meant to control us or for us to become compliant and toe the line. But the same rules do not apply to those who make them. So I hope this knowledge freed you from these shackles of others’ opinions and emboldens you to live out freely, to show up, to be perceived and to not care for neither approval nor disapproval. Be cringe, and be unafraid to be yourself!