Delight in Parenting with Dajana Yoakley

Have you ever snapped at your kid, walked away feeling ashamed, and thought, “I just need to be calmer. Why can’t I just be calm?”
It’s completely normal to feel that way. The message we get everywhere in the peaceful parenting world is that calm is the goal — that if you could just regulate yourself, everything would go smoother. And while there’s real truth in that, I had a conversation recently that made me stop and rethink the whole thing.
I sat down with Thanna Vickerman, a Certified Peaceful Parenting Coach, and what she said in the first few minutes genuinely shifted something for me. She said the goal isn’t calm. The goal is presence.
I know that might sound like a small difference, but stay with me.
When Thana’s son Hugo was about 13 months old, he pulled a toilet paper roll off the wall and she heard herself say his name in a tone she’d never used before. And in that split second, she heard her own mother’s voice come out of her mouth. That was the moment she knew she wanted to do this differently — not just for Hugo, but for herself.
That single moment sent her on a search that eventually led her to Dr. Laura Markham’s work, to becoming one of 15 coaches in Dr. Markham’s very first training program, and ultimately to the work she does now helping parents rebuild their capacity from the inside out.
What I love about Thana’s perspective is how much grace she brings to the whole conversation. She’s not telling you to breathe through your anger and get back to baseline. She’s saying something much kinder than that.
She’s saying your nervous system is doing exactly what it’s supposed to do.
When you feel threatened — even in a low-stakes parenting moment that somehow doesn’t feel low-stakes at all — your brain is protecting you. That’s not a flaw. That’s how you’re wired. And the anger, the frustration, the tears, the overwhelm? Those emotions aren’t the enemy. Trying to suppress them is what gets us into trouble.
The real goal is to feel safe enough inside yourself to be present with whatever you’re actually feeling — not to fast-forward past it into a performance of calm.
I know it’s hard when you’re running on empty. Thanna talks so honestly about this — the parents who are living on fumes, not enough sleep, not enough support, managing everything at once. She says, when something bumps into you, what’s gonna come out is whatever you’ve been filled with. And if you’ve been filled with exhaustion and stress and worry, that’s what spills onto your kids. Not because you’re broken. Because you’re human and you need more support than you’re getting.
She also said something that I’m still thinking about. She talked about how most of us weren’t allowed to have big feelings growing up. We didn’t get to practice sitting in discomfort. So now, when our child is uncomfortable, our nervous system reads it as an emergency — and we scramble to fix it, stop it, or make it go away. Sound familiar?
That’s not a character flaw. That’s a nervous system that never learned it could survive hard feelings.
The good news? That’s something you can actually change. Not by white-knuckling your way to calm, but by slowly, gently building your capacity to hold more — through somatic practices, through community, through being in relationship with people who can co-regulate with you while you learn to do it with yourself.
And here’s the piece that genuinely relieved me: Thanna reminded me of Ed Tronick’s research showing that you only need to be attuned and responsive with your child about 30% of the time to build secure attachment. Thirty percent. The other 70% is where repair lives — and repair is doing its own important work.
That means you don’t have to get this right most of the time. You just have to keep coming back.
Thanna has a program coming up this summer that you might want to hear about. She’s co-leading it with somatic therapist Crystal Harris, and they’re calling it Summer School. It combines Crystal’s self-paced nervous system capacity program — with over 32 different somatic practices to explore — with four live sessions with Thanna covering connection, secure attachment, brain development, and playful parenting tools like roughhousing.
The doors close Monday, June 8th, and it starts June 9th through the 13th.
If you’ve been feeling like you can’t even get to that 30% — or you’re there and want more — this is the kind of support that actually builds capacity from the ground up. Check the link below for all the details.
Because the question isn’t “why can’t I just be calm?” The question is — what do you need right now to actually take care of yourself? More support is always the answer. And this might be one beautiful step in that direction.
🎙️ Click above to listen to the full episode.
To Learn More About Thanna Vickerman:
https://chooseloveparenting.com/
🌞 Summer can be one of the most joyful times of the year—but it can also bring more sibling conflict, bigger emotions, screen-time battles, boredom, and parenting challenges. That’s why I’ve gathered 15 leading parenting experts for the FREE Calm the Chaos This Summer Parenting Summit, happening June 22–26, 2026. Join us for practical, science-backed strategies to help you support big feelings, reduce power struggles, navigate ADHD and highly sensitive children, build stronger family connections, and create a calmer, more connected summer. Register free today at https://www.delightinparenting.com/calm-summer
Connect with Dajana Yoakley Delight in Parenting
Step #1: Get the 3 Steps to Reset Your Nervous System FREE Guide.
Step #2: Connect With The FREE Facebook Community.Step #3: Follow me on Social Media:https://www.instagram.com/delightinparenting/https://www.facebook.com/delightinparentingcoaching/www.youtube.com/@DelightinParentinghttps://www.linkedin.com/in/delightinparenting/


This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit delightinparenting.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever watched your child completely fall apart over something that seemed so small — and found yourself thinking, “What just happened? Why is this so intense every single time?”
It’s completely normal to feel confused, exhausted, and honestly a little defeated when your child’s reactions feel so out of proportion to the moment. You’re doing your best, and yet you walk on eggshells through every transition, every no, every ordinary Tuesday. I know it’s hard when you love your child so deeply and still feel like you’re constantly one wrong move away from a full-blown meltdown.
There’s actually a really important reason these kids experience the world the way they do — and it has nothing to do with bad parenting or a broken child.
In my latest episode, I sat down with Megan Robertson, founder of New Leaf Parent Coaching and a certified Peaceful Parenting coach. Megan works specifically with families of kids ages 4 to 8 who would be described as deeply feeling, highly sensitive, or explosive — and she came to this work the same way so many of us did. Through her own family.
She thought parenthood would be rainbows and butterflies. It wasn’t. Her daughter struggled intensely with big feelings, and the family spent a lot of time and money trying to “fix” the child — until Megan realized the child wasn’t the one who needed fixing. What needed to change was the way the whole family understood what was happening, and how they responded. That shift changed everything. And she’s been helping other families find that same shift ever since.
What I love about the way Megan explains deeply feeling kids is how clearly she separates them from kids who just have a hard time sometimes. Sound familiar? Have you noticed that validating your child’s feelings in the moment sometimes makes things worse, not better? That’s actually not a failure on your part.
Megan explains that for deeply feeling kids, the feeling itself puts them in a state of perceived threat — they don’t just feel frustrated, they go straight to “I am a bad kid,” and from there, their nervous system responds like survival is on the line. That’s why the behavior can look so extreme.
She also introduced something that stopped me in my tracks — the concept of the shame spiral that deeply feeling kids get caught in, and how our instinct as parents to either make the behavior stop or teach a lesson in the moment is the exact wrong move for these particular kids.
So what do we actually do? Megan walks us through the three-part framework she uses with families:
In the moment of dysregulation, less is more. Your only job is to stay calm and keep people safe. Any words you say are more for you than for your child at that point. She talks about what that looks like practically, including when a child is physically aggressive.
Hours outside the moment, you build skills — but indirectly. One of my favorite strategies she shares is what she calls emotional vaccination: preparing your child for a difficult feeling before it arrives, and doing it in a way that makes them feel like they’re not alone in it. You’ll want to hear the specific example she gives, because it’s something you could try tonight.
And then there’s the connection piece, which I know can feel impossible when you’re running on empty and honestly feeling some resentment toward a child who seems to reject every overture you make. Megan is so real about this, and she offers the most doable, low-effort way to start building connection back — even when you have nothing left to give and even when your child pushes you away.
We also got into something that I think every parent of a deeply feeling child needs to hear: you are not broken, and neither is your child. Megan says that every single parent she works with has found some specific reason that it’s their fault their child is this way. Every one. And responding from that shame keeps us from responding in the ways that actually help.
We talked about how to start offering yourself the same compassion you’re trying to give your child — because the two really are inseparable.
I promise you this conversation will bring you clarity, and maybe even some relief, about why your child is the way they are and what you can actually do about it.
🎙️ Click below to listen to the full episode.
To learn more about Megan Robertson and New Leaf Parent Coaching:
https://www.newleafparentcoaching.com
http://www.newleafparentcoaching.com/delight
Before you go — something is coming up on May 28th that I really want you to know about.
If sibling conflict is making you feel like a full-time referee in your own home — the constant bickering, the fighting over nothing, the tattling that echoes through every room — I’m hosting a free live workshop just for you.
I’ll walk you through what’s really going on underneath all that sibling rivalry, why kids get stuck in those patterns, and exactly what to say and do in those moments so you can stop managing the drama and start helping your kids actually work things out.
It’s completely free to attend, and I’d love to see you there.
👉 Register for the Sibling Workshop — May 28th
Connect with Dajana Yoakley Delight in Parenting
Step #1: Get the 3 Steps to Reset Your Nervous System FREE Guide.
Step #2: Connect With The FREE Facebook Community.Step #3: Follow me on Social Media:https://www.instagram.com/delightinparenting/https://www.facebook.com/delightinparentingcoaching/www.youtube.com/@DelightinParentinghttps://www.linkedin.com/in/delightinparenting/


This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit delightinparenting.substack.com/subscribe

Why you keep reverting to the parenting you swore you’d never do
Have you ever caught yourself responding to your child in a way that sounds exactly like your own parents — and immediately thought, “Where did that come from? That’s not who I want to be”?
It’s completely normal to feel frustrated and confused by this. You’ve done the reading. You’ve listened to the podcasts. You genuinely want to respond differently. And yet, in the middle of a hard moment, something old just... takes over. I know it’s hard when you feel like you’re working so hard and still sliding back.
There’s actually a really important reason this keeps happening, and it has almost nothing to do with willpower or how committed you are.
In my latest episode, I sat down with Olivia Bergeron — a psychotherapist, parent coach, and speaker who founded Mommy Groove Therapy — and she introduced a concept that stopped me in my tracks. After over 20 years of working with parents, she noticed a pattern: parents would come in motivated, learn the tools, start using them... and then gradually stop. Not because the strategies weren’t working. Something deeper was getting in the way.
She calls it the loyalty bind.
Here’s what that actually means in everyday terms. When you choose to parent differently from how you were raised, some part of you — usually a part operating completely below the surface — registers that as a kind of betrayal. Like you’re pointing a finger at your own parents and saying, “What you did wasn’t good enough.”
And for most of us who love our parents, even imperfectly, that feeling is deeply uncomfortable. So the unconscious mind quietly resists the change. You find yourself thinking, “I turned out okay. It wasn’t that bad.” And slowly, the old patterns creep back in.
Sound familiar? I think for most of us, it will.
What I love about the way Olivia frames this is that she’s not asking you to condemn your parents or tear apart your childhood. Quite the opposite. She talks about holding two things as true at the same time: your parents did their best with what they had, and you get to choose something different going forward. That’s not disloyalty. That’s the next generation carrying the work forward.
We also talked about what to do when your partner is the one stuck in the loyalty bind — when they’re not yet willing to question how they were raised, and you’re parenting from two completely different places. This is one of the most common struggles I hear from parents, and Olivia offers such a thoughtful, non-confrontational way to approach it.
The key, she says, is getting curious rather than coming in with your research and your argument. Asking questions like, “What was it like for you when you were 8 and something went wrong at home? How did your parents handle it? How did that feel?” That kind of gentle curiosity can open doors that a debate never could.
And then there was the piece I really didn’t want to skip over: grief. Olivia is clear that until we actually grieve what we didn’t get as children — the validation, the attunement, the emotional safety — it’s really hard to make lasting change. The strategies are important, and they are not enough on their own. The inside work has to happen alongside the outside tools.
This is the work I talk about constantly, and it was so affirming to hear a therapist with decades of experience say the same thing: you are not broken, and neither are your parents. You’re just the generation that got the new information. Now you get to decide what to do with it.
I promise you this conversation will bring you a lot of clarity — and maybe even a little relief about why change has felt so hard.
🎙️ Click below to listen to the full episode.

To Learn More About Olivia Bergeron, click here:
https://mommygroove.com/
https://mommygroove.thrivecart.com/the-good-mom-reset/

Before you go — I have something coming up that I think you’ll really want to know about.
If sibling conflict is a regular feature of life in your home — the bickering, the fighting over everything, the “she started it” that echoes down the hallway every single day — I have a free live workshop coming up on May 28th just for you.
I’ll be walking you through why sibling rivalry happens, what’s really going on underneath all that conflict, and what you can actually do and say in those moments to stop playing referee and start helping your kids work things out in a way that actually sticks.
It’s completely free, and I’d love to have you there.
👉 Register for the Sibling Workshop — May 28th

Connect with Dajana Yoakley Delight in Parenting
Step #1: Get the 3 Steps to Reset Your Nervous System FREE Guide.
Step #2: Connect With The FREE Facebook Community.Step #3: Follow me on Social Media:https://www.instagram.com/delightinparenting/https://www.facebook.com/delightinparentingcoaching/www.youtube.com/@DelightinParentinghttps://www.linkedin.com/in/delightinparenting/


This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit delightinparenting.substack.com/subscribe

I want to tell you about a moment I remember so clearly from early in my own parenting journey.
My son was melting down — fully, completely falling apart — over something that seemed so small to me. And everything in me just wanted it to stop. So I moved in with my most calm, firm mom voice: “Stop. Take a breath. You need to calm down right now.”
And you know what happened? He got louder. More dysregulated. More out of reach.
I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought staying firm and redirecting was the answer. And yet every time I tried harder to get him to stop, the meltdown got bigger. I felt like I was failing him — and honestly, like I was failing myself.
Have you ever been there? That awful feeling of watching your child fall apart and knowing that everything you’re doing isn’t working?
It’s completely normal to feel that way. Most parents do. And it’s not because you’re doing something wrong — it’s because nobody gave you the information you actually needed.
What I eventually learned — and what changed everything in our home — is that when a child is in the middle of big feelings, their nervous system is in protection mode. And you cannot force a nervous system out of protection mode. The more you push for calm, the more it pushes back.
What works is something that feels almost counterintuitive at first: staying present instead of pushing. Moving toward your child with “I see you, I’m here” instead of “stop, calm down, listen.” Not because you’re giving in — but because safety is what actually allows the nervous system to settle.
I made a short video this week that walks you through a hands-on exercise so you can feel this difference in your own body — not just understand it in your head. I promise it’s worth a few minutes of your time.
Watch it here:
And if you watch that video and something in you says “yes — this is exactly what’s happening in our house” — I want you to know there’s a place to go deeper.
My course, How to Help Your Child with Big Feelings and Challenging Behavior, is open for enrollment right now, and it closes Thursday at midnight.
This is where you go beyond the concept and actually learn what to do and what to say in the real moments — when your child is overwhelmed, when things are escalating, when you’re exhausted and you just don’t know what to try next. You’ll learn how to understand what’s happening beneath your child’s behavior, how to regulate your own nervous system so you can show up the way you want to, and how to respond in ways that actually help — not just in the short term, but over time.
I want to be upfront with you — I’m not sure when I’ll offer this course again in this format. If this feels like your window, I’d love to support you on the inside.
You can learn more and enroll here: https://www.delightinparenting.com/course2026
Enrollment closes tomorrow at midnight.
You are not broken. Your child is not broken. You just need the tools — and I have them ready for you.
With hope,
Dajana
P.S. Even if the course isn’t the right fit right now, go watch the video. The exercise alone will give you something tangible to try the next time things start to escalate.


This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit delightinparenting.substack.com/subscribe

What if the meltdown isn’t the problem?
What if the defiance… the pushback… the shutting down…
is actually your child’s nervous system asking for help?
Because for so many parents, it feels like this:
→ It starts small→ It escalates fast→ Suddenly you’re in a full meltdown or power struggle→ And nothing you try seems to work
You explain.You stay calm.You set a consequence.
…and somehow, it just gets worse.
In my latest podcast episode, I sat down with Ce Eshelman, a trauma-informed therapist, and she put words to something so many parents feel—but can’t quite explain.
She calls these moments “bewildering behaviors.”
Those reactions that feel confusing… intense… disproportionate.
The ones where you walk away thinking:
“Why did that get so big?”“Why didn’t anything work?”“What am I missing?”
And the answer isn’t what most of us were taught.
Here are 3 shifts from our conversation:
1. It’s not defiance—it’s dysregulation
When your child melts down, their brain is overwhelmed.
They’re not choosing how to respond in that moment.
They’re reacting.
Which is why logic, consequences, and explanations don’t land.
2. Behavior is a signal, not the problem
That meltdown? That pushback?
It’s communication.
Something inside your child feels too big, too fast, or too overwhelming to manage alone.
3. Understanding isn’t enough in the moment
Even when you get all of this…
it’s still incredibly hard to know what to actually DO when it’s happening in real life.
Because your nervous system gets activated too.
And suddenly you’re reacting… instead of responding.
🎙️ Click here to listen to the full podcast episode and hear how Ce breaks this down in a way that makes these moments finally make sense.
To learn more about Ce Eshelman:https://www.lovemattersparenting.com/about
Want more support?
If you’re listening to this and thinking, “This is exactly what’s happening in my home… but I still don’t know what to do or say in the moment,” you’re not alone.
I’m hosting a free workshop where I’ll walk you through exactly this—how to stay calm when your child is escalating, what to do and say in those meltdown moments, and how to shift the pattern so it stops turning into defiance and power struggles.
👉 Big Feelings Challenging Behavior Workshop
You don’t have to keep guessing your way through these moments. You’re not alone in this! Join us to get the support you need.

Connect with Dajana Yoakley Delight in Parenting
Step #1: Get the 3 Steps to Reset Your Nervous System FREE Guide.
Step #2: Connect With The FREE Facebook Community.Step #3: Follow me on Social Media:https://www.instagram.com/delightinparenting/https://www.facebook.com/delightinparentingcoaching/www.youtube.com/@DelightinParentinghttps://www.linkedin.com/in/delightinparenting/


This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit delightinparenting.substack.com/subscribe