Addiction Unlimited Podcast

When did we decide that being uncomfortable means something is wrong?

Seriously. Think about how quickly we get irritated by the smallest things. Or how easily a bad day can convince us that something in our lives needs to change.

And how quickly we start looking for a way to make those feelings disappear.

I caught myself doing this recently over something so ridiculous that I actually started laughing at myself. And it got me thinking about something I see constantly in people who are trying to quit drinking.

We’ve developed some pretty unrealistic expectations about how we’re supposed to feel.

Especially those of us who spent years using alcohol to numb everything we didn’t want to deal with.

When you spend years reaching for a drink every time life gets uncomfortable, you get pretty good at escaping your feelings. At least temporarily.

And then you get sober, start doing all the healthy things, and expect them to deliver the same result.

Make the feeling disappear. Immediately, please.

But what if that’s not how any of this is supposed to work?

In this episode, we’re talking about discomfort tolerance and why learning to handle uncomfortable feelings without drinking is such an important part of creating a healthy life.

I’ll share how a ridiculous moment watching TV reminded me of the importance of personal responsibility, and why our desperation for immediate relief can lead us to make decisions that create much bigger problems.

We’ll also get into how avoiding discomfort keeps us stuck and what happens when we start developing confidence in our ability to handle life instead of constantly trying to escape it.

Because there’s a huge difference between having an uncomfortable feeling and allowing that feeling to run your life.

And once you understand that difference, it changes a whole lot more than your sobriety.

 

 

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Related Episode:  #298 – Doing the Work: Quitting Drinking is Only the Beginning

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Prefer to read instead of listen? Here’s the full transcript of this episode.

460 Transcript

Angela (00:11.15)

Hello, my friend. Welcome back to Addiction Unlimited. I wanna talk about something today.

Hello, my friend.

Angela (00:31.992)

Hello, my friend. Welcome back to another episode of Addiction Unlimited. I’m your coach, Angela Pugh. I want to talk about something today that I believe is one of the most important skills we can develop in sobriety and honestly in life in general. And it’s really something we should be talking about more. It’s what I call discomfort tolerance. Our ability.

Ability to experience uncomfortable feelings, situations, and circumstances without immediately needing to numb them, escape them, or make them go away. Because somewhere along the way, we’ve developed this misconception that feelings are bad. And if I feel anything and it feels uncomfortable, I need to do something immediately to make it go away. We don’t want to be uncomfortable.

We don’t want to sit with feelings we don’t like. We want to feel better and we want to feel better right now. And if you’ve spent years drinking alcohol, this is especially important for you to understand because you’ve spent years practicing the exact opposite of discomfort tolerance.

You’ve practiced avoiding discomfort. You’ve practiced escaping it. You’ve practiced numbing yourself so you didn’t have to experience whatever was happening inside of you. And then you quit drinking, and suddenly you need to navigate all these feelings and experiences that you’ve spent years avoiding. But you’re bringing that same conditioned expectation with you. Numb it, get rid of it, kill the feeling entirely.

And that’s just not an accurate understanding of feelings or coping. And it’s not realistic, right? The truth is you’re supposed to feel, not numb. And this misconception can become problematic because people will start learning about coping skills and tools and they’ll try them, but they’re expecting them to make the feelings go away entirely, like alcohol did. But the reality is, healthy management of feelings means.

Angela (02:50.464)

Learning how to soothe yourself, take the edge off so you don’t do something wild, and then be able to handle what’s left. So if you’ve tried all the healthy things, meditation, exercise, journaling, breathing exercises, and you’re still uncomfortable, you might start thinking something’s wrong. You think like, maybe I haven’t found the right strategy, maybe none of this stuff works for me, maybe I’m just different than everybody else. You’re not.

Angela (03:21.9)

The real problem is that we have an unrealistic expectation of what it means to cope. The goal isn’t to stop feeling or stop being uncomfortable, but to develop the ability to be uncomfortable and still be okay.

Angela (03:43.704)

Here’s something I see happen all the time. Someone quits drinking, they’re making all these changes, they’re putting effort into their recovery, and they’re trying to learn how to do things differently. And then they have a bad day, stressed out, anxious, somebody’s getting on your last fucking nerve, or you’re feeling lonely and disconnected. And it feels frustrating.

Angela (04:10.304)

And it’s frustrating to still feel that way. And part of the problem is we have this expectation that if we’re doing the right things, the feelings should go away. If I’m working on myself, I should be happier. If I’m practicing healthy habits, I shouldn’t be so anxious. If I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do in recovery, why am I still having such a hard time? But think about what we’re actually expecting here. We are expecting

That if we do enough things right, eventually we’ll reach this place where we don’t feel anything or feel any discomfort. And that’s not a realistic expectation of sobriety or of life. You don’t stop being human because you quit drinking. You still have the same full range of emotions everybody else has. The difference is now you have to learn to experiencing them.

Angela (05:07.778)

The difference is now you have to learn how to experience them without automatically reaching for something to change how you feel. And this is where that conditioning from alcohol becomes so important because for years you had a very specific relationship with uncomfortable feelings. You felt something you didn’t like and you had a way to shut it down. Maybe you’re stressed out after work and wanted to relax. Maybe you were nervous about going somewhere or being around people.

Maybe you’re having relationship problems or you’re lonely or you’re just bored with your life. But you had a solution that could temporarily change how you felt without requiring you to deal with whatever was actually going on.

Angela (05:54.316)

And when you do that over and over, it becomes your normal response, not necessarily because you sat down one day and decided you were never gonna experience another uncomfortable emotion, but because you had a shortcut and you used it. And now that shortcut is gone. But the expectation that uncomfortable feelings should be numbed hasn’t necessarily changed.

So you’re trying to approach sobriety with the same goal you had when you were drinking. You wanna stop feeling whatever it is you don’t wanna feel. And when the healthy things you’re doing don’t produce that result, you think something isn’t working. And I want you to really think about this. Like, when did we decide that having a difficult feeling means something has gone wrong, right? When did sadness become something we shouldn’t have to experience? Or frustration or anxiety or disappointment?

These are normal human emotions. They’re part of having relationships, responsibilities, goals, expectations in a life that’s important to you. If you love people, you’re gonna experience sadness and disappointment sometimes. If you have goals and ambitions, you’re going to experience frustration and uncertainty. If you’re trying new things or stepping outside your comfort zone, you’re probably gonna experience some anxiety.

If you’re building a different life for yourself, there are going to be situations that feel awkward and unfamiliar. That’s not a sign that something is wrong. In fact, sometimes it’s a sign you’re doing it exactly right.

Angela (07:34.36)

Think about someone who has spent years avoiding social situations unless they could drink. Now they’re sober and they’re trying to start going places and participating in life without alcohol. Of course they’re uncomfortable. They’re doing something unfamiliar. They’re learning how to interact with people without relying on alcohol to make them feel more relaxed or confident.

Angela (08:03.584)

And they might go to an event and feel awkward for the first half hour. They might have a little anxiety before they walk through the door. They might have moments when they don’t know what to say or feel out of place. None of that means the experience is bad. It means they’re having an experience they’re not accustomed to having sober. And that’s an important distinction because if they evaluate that experience based entirely on how comfortable they felt.

They might decide it was a failure. They might tell themselves, I went, but I was anxious the whole time. I still felt awkward. I still didn’t know what to do with myself. But I would look at that situation and see something completely different. You went somewhere you were nervous about, you experienced discomfort. You didn’t drink. You handled yourself and you came home. That’s a successful experience.

Not because it felt amazing every minute, because you were able to do something that mattered to you without having a drink to create a false sense of comfort.

Angela (09:16.556)

Drinking doesn’t magically make you comfortable or confident. It just numbs the discomfort and insecurity. And the same thing is true in so many areas of life. You can be sad and still have a good day. You can be nervous and still do something well. You can be frustrated and still be productive. You can have uncomfortable conversations and still be proud of the way you handled yourself. Your feelings don’t have to determine the

Quality of your entire experience. And they certainly don’t have to determine the choices you make. Now, I’m not suggesting that we ignore our feelings, right? Our emotions give us information. And sometimes that information is important. Sometimes anxiety is telling you that something needs your attention. Sometimes sadness is telling you you’ve experienced a loss. Sometimes frustration is telling you that something in your life needs to change.

But having a feeling doesn’t automatically mean you need to eliminate it. Sometimes you need to understand it, you need to respond to it, and sometimes you just need to allow yourself to experience it. That ability is what we’re developing, and it’s a skill that impacts every area of our lives, not just sobriety.

Angela (10:40.726)

I think one of the things that makes this conversation especially relevant right now is how accustomed we’ve become to convenience. We have access to almost anything we want almost immediately, right? We can order food without leaving the house, we can watch whatever we want whenever we want, we can get answers to questions in seconds, we can communicate with people instantly. And there’s nothing wrong with any of that. I love convenience as much as anybody else. But I also think we’ve become increasingly.

Intolerant of even the smallest inconveniences, right? We don’t like waiting. We don’t like being bored. We don’t like things taking longer than we think they should. We get irritated when something interrupts what we’re doing or when other people aren’t moving at the speed we’d prefer. And sometimes our reactions are completely disproportionate to what’s actually happening. I had a

Perfect example of this recently. Sitting at home watching something on one of my streaming platforms and an ad came on. And I caught myself immediately feeling irritated. And this, I’m not telling you to love ads. Nobody loves ads. They are super annoying and there’s way too many of them. But you know how it is. You’re watching your show, you’re enjoying yourself, and suddenly you’ve got to sit through a commercial.

And I caught myself and I started laughing because I was like, damn, Angela, are you seriously irritated right now because you have to wait 60 seconds? Like 60 seconds. You’re sitting in your beautiful home on your ass, relaxing, watching television, and you’re aggravated because you have to wait a minute. Really? Because if I can’t tolerate 60 or 90 seconds of waiting for a commercial.

I’ve got bigger fucking problems, you know? And I know that sounds ridiculous, but that’s exactly why I think it’s such a great example because nothing was wrong.

Angela (12:40.81)

I wasn’t being harmed. I wasn’t being mistreated. There wasn’t some terrible injustice happening in my life. I just didn’t want to fucking wait. And I recognized how ridiculous it was to give that situation any of my emotional energy. That’s not who I want to be. I don’t want to be someone who gets irritated by every little inconvenience. I don’t want to waste my time and energy being frustrated over things that are completely.

Completely inconsequential. And here’s where my personal philosophy comes into this. I’ve been practicing self-awareness and personal responsibility for almost 21 years. And one of the biggest changes in my life is that my instinct is to look at myself first. What’s going on with me? Why am I reacting this way? What do I need to do about it? Now, obviously, that doesn’t mean I never get irritated.

I just told you I was aggravated by a damn commercial, right? But I recognize what’s happening and I take responsibility for my response. The streaming service isn’t the problem. The commercial isn’t the problem. My impatience is the problem. And that’s something I can work on. And I want you to think about how often this happens in everyday life. You’re sitting in traffic and you’re getting increasingly frustrated because cars aren’t moving.

Or you’re standing in line at the grocery store and the person in front of you is taking forever. You’re waiting for someone to respond to a message. You’re at an appointment that’s running behind schedule. And you can feel yourself getting irritated. You start thinking about how ridiculous it is, how inconsiderate people are. You don’t have time for this. And before you know it, you’ve turned a relatively minor inconvenience into a much bigger emotional experience.

Now you’re angry, you’re in a bad mood, you’re complaining to somebody. And for what? Because you had to wait 10 minutes? The situation might be inconvenient, but your response is creating a whole lot of additional drama that doesn’t need to be there. And this is where.

Angela (14:56.982)

And this is where self-awareness becomes so valuable because you can recognize your own response. You can decide whether or not you want to cur.

Angela (15:08.768)

And this is where self-awareness becomes so valuable. Because when you can recognize your own response, you can decide whether or not you want to continue participating in it. You can notice that you’re getting irritated and think, okay, this isn’t really that big of a deal. I don’t like waiting, but I can handle waiting. It’s not the end of the fucking world. I don’t enjoy sitting in traffic, but I don’t have to make myself fucking miserable while I’m doing it. And really,

You end up making the people around you miserable too. I know I definitely don’t like to listen to people bitch and complain about useless stuff. When people get irritated or frustrated by inconsequential things, I want to escape them, right? And that was a major light bulb moment for me early in my sobriety when I really heard myself, when I really heard all the negativity and ridiculousness that was coming out of my mouth, I realized.

I was not a very pleasant person to be around. I was always bitching about everything, every inconvenience, every little thing I didn’t like, how much people pissed me off. And in all of that, I was the pain in the ass, making everyone around me uncomfortable.

I was the negative energy consuming the room and putting everyone on edge. And that’s not who I want to be in the world. And it certainly isn’t the effect I want to have on other people. So I knew I had to get my shit together and grow the fuck up. And these little moments matter because they’re opportunities to practice something much bigger. You’re learning that you don’t have to be comfortable every second of the day.

You don’t have to get everything exactly when you want it. And you don’t have to react emotionally to every inconvenience that crosses your path. And if you can start developing that ability in these small ordinary moments, imagine what it can do for you when you’re facing something that’s genuinely challenging.

Angela (17:18.806)

Now let’s take this a little further because I think this is where discomfort tolerance starts having a really significant impact on the decisions we make. One of the things I know to be true is often people treat uncomfortable feelings like they need immediate distinguishing. We feel something and immediately we think we need to do something about it. I’m lonely, I need to find somebody to talk to. I’m anxious, I need to get out of the situation.

I’m bored, I need something to entertain me. I’m frustrated. I need to tell somebody exactly how I feel. I’m disappointed. Maybe I should just give up. And sometimes taking action is absolutely the right response. Sometimes there’s a legitimate problem that needs to be addressed, but other times we’re not responding to a problem. We’re reacting to the fact that we don’t like how we feel. And there’s a big difference. Let’s talk about loneliness because I think this is a really good example.

Loneliness is uncomfortable. And when people are lonely, they sometimes make decisions that don’t actually support what they want for their lives. They reach out to somebody they know isn’t good for them. They get back into a relationship that they’ve already left for very good reasons. They start looking for attention or validation from someone who isn’t capable of giving them the kind of relationship they really want.

And it’s not necessarily because they’ve changed their mind about what they want, it’s because they’re lonely and they want to stop feeling lonely. So now they’re willing to make a decision that might feel good in the moment, even though they already know it’s probably going to create

Angela (19:06.744)

So now they’re willing to make a decision that might feel good in the moment, even though they already know it’s probably gonna create bigger problems down the road. And this is exactly what we’re talking about. When your number one priority is getting rid of an uncomfortable feeling, you can end up making choices that are completely inconsistent with the life you’re trying to build. Think about that. You might want a healthy relationship.

But because you’re uncomfortable being alone, you keep choosing unhealthy relationships. You might want to build confidence in social situations, but because you’re uncomfortable feeling nervous, you keep canceling plans. You might want to improve your health, but because you’re uncomfortable with the effort required, you keep quitting your workout routine. You might want to accomplish something significant in your life.

But because you’re uncomfortable with uncertainty or frustration, you abandon the project every time it gets difficult. And every time you do that, you’re reinforcing the same pattern. I don’t like the.

Angela (20:20.458)

And every time you do that, you’re reinforcing the same pattern. I don’t like how this feels, so I’m gonna stop. I don’t like how this feels, so I’m gonna get out of it. I don’t like how this feels, so I’m gonna do whatever gives me immediate relief. And the problem is that immediate relief isn’t always in your best interest. Sometimes it’s the exact opposite. Think about avoiding something because you’re anxious. Maybe you’ve committed to attending an event, and as the day gets closer, you’re starting to feel nervous.

Angela (20:52.93)

You don’t know everybody who’s gonna be there, you’re not sure what to expect, you’re worried you might feel awkward, and the more you think about it, the more uncomfortable you become. So you cancel. And the second you cancel, you feel better. You’re relieved, you don’t have to deal with that uncomfortable situation anymore. But what have you actually accomplished? You’ve avoided the experience, but you haven’t learned that you can handle it. You haven’t developed

Any additional confidence. And the next time you have an opportunity to do something similar, you’re probably going to have to face those same feelings again because you’ve been practicing avoidance instead of tolerance. And that’s one of the reasons I think this is such an important skill. If you always allow discomfort to determine what you do, you’re going to spend a lot of your life avoiding things.

And some of those things are gonna be the exact experiences that would help you grow.

Angela (21:56.246)

Now, this doesn’t mean you need to force yourself into every situation that makes you uncomfortable. There are legitimate reasons to say no, set boundaries, or remove yourself from something. Sometimes an uncomfortable feeling is giving you important information that requires you to take action. But sometimes you’re just uncomfortable. And the healthiest thing you can do is recognize.

Angela (22:23.446)

And the healthiest thing you can do is recognize that discomfort without allowing it to make the decision for you. You can feel lonely without contacting somebody who’s bad for you. You can feel nervous and still go to the event. You can feel frustrated without taking it out on everyone around you. You can be disappointed without deciding that everything is hopeless. And you can have a craving without drinking.

That last one is especially important. Because wanting to drink and choosing to drink are two different things. You can experience the feeling without acting on it. You can acknowledge the urge, recognize what’s happening, and make a decision based on what you actually want for your life, not just what would make you feel better for the next 20 minutes. And the more you do that, the more you start to recognize something really powerful.

You’re capable of handling a lot more than you thought you were.

One of my favorite things about watching people grow in sobriety is seeing them develop confidence in themselves. And often they don’t even realize it’s happening. They’re so focused on getting through whatever situation they’re dealing with that they don’t recognize how much they’re changing in the process. I have a client right now who’s in early sobriety, around six or seven weeks, and they’ve been navigating different social situations without drinking. And when we talk about those experiences,

I’m paying attention to more than whether or not they drank, right? Of course, not drinking is important, but I’m also looking at what they’re learning about themselves. They went somewhere they were nervous about, they experienced some discomfort, they didn’t have alcohol to make them feel more relaxed or confident. And they handled it. Maybe they felt awkward at certain moments. Maybe they were a little anxious. Maybe they were relieved when the evening was over. That’s all fine, but they didn’t.

Angela (24:24.952)

Did it. And now they have something they didn’t have before. They have evidence. Evidence that they can go somewhere without drinking. Evidence that they can experience discomfort and still participate in life. Evidence that they can handle situations they once believed required alcohol. And those experiences build on each other. The next time they go somewhere, they have a little more confidence because they’ve done it before. They know what to expect.

They know that even if they feel uncomfortable, they can get through it. And that changes the way they see themselves. This is how self-trust develops. And I think a lot of people misunderstand that process because they expect confidence to come first. They think they need to feel confident before they take action. I’ll go when I’m more comfortable. I’ll have that difficult conversation when I’m not so nervous. I’ll try something new when I feel more prepared.

But so much of confidence comes from having the experience. You do something you’re nervous about and you get through it. And afterward you realize like, wow, I can do that. Maybe it wasn’t perfect. Maybe I didn’t enjoy every minute.

Maybe I’d do a couple of things differently next time, but I did it.

Angela (25:47.68)

And now you know something about yourself that you didn’t know before. You know you’re capable of handling that experience. And the more you build that evidence, the more you trust yourself. That’s one of the things I love most about this work. Watching people go from being afraid of everything, questioning every decision, and believing they can’t handle life without alcohol to becoming people who are.

Confident in their ability to navigate their lives. Not because life becomes easy, not because they’ve stopped experiencing difficult emotions, but because they’ve learned that they can handle those experiences without abandoning themselves or the things that matter to them. And I think this is something worth recognizing in your own life. Every time you experience discomfort and make a decision you’re proud of, you’re building trust with yourself.

Every time you follow through on something, even though you’re nervous, you’re building confidence. Every time you resist an unhealthy impulse because you know it doesn’t support the life you want, you’re developing self-trust. And that doesn’t mean you’re going to handle everything perfectly. I certainly don’t. We all have moments we get frustrated or overwhelmed or respond in ways we’re not particularly proud of. But those moments are also opportunities.

You can recognize what happened, take responsibility for your response, and you can decide what to do differently next time. And you keep practicing.

Angela (27:25.346)

That’s the difference between it. That’s the difference between expecting yourself to be perfect and expecting yourself to grow. And I’ve said this many times over the years, but I want you to understand how much power there is in recognizing that your responses and your choices are things you can change. You can’t control every circumstance in life. You can’t control what other people do. And you can’t guarantee that you’re always going to feel the way you want to feel.

But you can develop the ability to respond to those experiences in ways that support your values, your goals, and the person you want to become.

That’s where so much of our personal power comes from. So I want to bring this back to the original point because I think this changes the way we should be looking at both sobriety and emotional health, right? For years, many of us used alcohol to escape uncomfortable feelings. We didn’t want to be anxious, we drank. We didn’t want to be lonely, we drank. We didn’t want to deal with frustration or disappointment or whatever was happening in our lives. So we drank. And then we quit drinking. And we have to be mindful that.

That we don’t continue approaching life with the same exact expectation. I don’t want to feel this. I shouldn’t have to feel this. How do I make this feeling go away? And we start measuring our progress by how comfortable we are. If we’re having a good day, everything must be working. If we’re having a difficult day, something must be wrong. But that isn’t how life works. And it isn’t how emotional health works. You will still feel anxious. You will make tremendous progress and still experience disappointment.

You can be doing everything right for your sobriety and still have a day when you feel lonely, frustrated, or overwhelmed.

Angela (29:16.972)

Because the goal isn’t to eliminate the full range of human emotions. The goal is to the goal is to develop the ability to tolerate discomfort and experience emotions without allowing them to control your life. And when you start understanding discomfort that way, a lot of things change. You stop treating every uncomfortable feeling like an emergency.

You stop assuming something has gone wrong just because you don’t feel good. You understand that discomfort isn’t the end of the world. It’s just life. You learn to use the coping skills that work for you and do those things so you can take the edge off the feeling.

And that makes it more tolerable. It doesn’t erase the feeling, it just brings it to a manageable place. And over time, something really powerful happens. You begin to trust yourself. You stop being so afraid of difficult feelings because you’ve experienced them and survived. You’ve handled disappointment. You navigated anxiety. You’ve had lonely evenings and stressful days and uncomfortable conversations. And you’ve gotten through them. Not because you figured out how to eliminate every feeling you didn’t like.

Because you learned how to deal with having those feelings. And that’s a completely different kind of freedom. Because if the only way you can be okay is when you feel comfortable, your well-being is always going to depend on your circumstances. You’re going to need everything to go your way. You’re going to need people to behave the way you want. You’re going to need life to be predictable and convenient and easy. And that makes you very fragile.

That’s a pretty fragile way to live.

Angela (31:11.928)

But when you know you can handle discomfort, you don’t have to be so dependent on everything around you going perfectly. You can have a difficult day and still be okay. You can experience an uncomfortable emotion without immediately trying to escape it. You can face situations that challenge you without convincing yourself that you can’t handle them. Because life is uncomfortable sometimes. Sobriety is uncomfortable sometimes.

Growth is uncomfortable sometimes. Growth is uncomfortable almost always. It just is. And that’s okay. You don’t need to be a robot with no feelings. You just need to know that you can handle the feelings and situations and irritations. So the next time you’re uncomfortable, I want you to pay attention to what happens. Notice your immediate response. Notice whether your first instinct is to get rid of the feeling, avoid the situation, or do something that provides immediate relief.

And instead do something healthy for your brain and emotional wellness. Do a few minutes of breathing. Remind yourself you’re okay. Do a five-minute meditation to take the edge off. And remember that numbing isn’t practical or necessary. Tolerating a little discomfort is both practical and necessary.

Angela (32:36.746)

Once you do something healthy to take the edge off the feelings, then you can just experience it. You can support yourself through it. You can be uncomfortable for a little while without making it a bigger problem. And maybe by doing that, you’re developing exactly the skill you’ve been missing. Because the point isn’t to stop feeling, the point is to know how to handle what you feel.

And the more you develop that ability, the less control discomfort has over your choices, your behavior, and your life.

Angela (33:10.764)

Listen, we want to break free from alcohol and feel free in our lives. And these are the kind of life skills that allow us to do that. Unfortunately, we aren’t born with all the skills. And often there isn’t anyone teaching us this stuff. It’s easy to get overwhelmed and pissed off and think that nothing works or you’ll never get it. I don’t want you stuck in that place, feeling discouraged and defeated and lost.

We all have a limit. We can only take so much. If you’re at that place where you’ve absolutely had enough of the drama and nonsense and feeling like shit and spinning in circles, then let’s talk about working together. These are exactly the kinds of things we work on with personal coaching.

Angela (34:01.336)

These are exactly the kinds of things we work on with personal coaching, and we can work on whatever you need in this moment. You can book a call with me at addictionunlimited.com forward slash call. We’ll chat and laugh and share some information. And if we both feel like it’s a fit, we can start right now. Addictionunlimited.com forward slash call. That link is always in the show notes. Addictionunlimited.com forward slash call. I love you guys. I hope you’re having a fantastic day.

And I’ll see you next week.

You’ve put a lot of time and energy into trying to quit drinking. And yet, somehow, you keep ending up right back where you started.

You’ve listened to the podcasts, downloaded the worksheets, tried the challenges, and maybe even joined a recovery community or two.

And still, you can’t stay sober.

So naturally, you start wondering if you just haven’t found the right program yet.

But here’s something that might change the way you look at your recovery.

The program isn’t the deciding factor. YOU are.

I’ve been sober for 20 years, and I’ve spent those 20 years in AA. I love it.

And I love all the other programs, too.

I love the people, the laughter, the support, and everything I’ve learned.

And,  AA doesn’t have a monopoly on recovery.

A program can give you the tools, the structure, the people, and the support.

But YOU have to decide what you’re going to do with all of it.

And we’re also going to talk about something that might ruffle a few feathers: the difference between a program that genuinely isn’t right for you and one that simply makes you uncomfortable.

Because those are not the same thing.

In this episode, we’re talking about why choosing a recovery program doesn’t have to be so complicated, what actually moves you from not drinking into real recovery, and why you might be spending more time evaluating your options than actually using them.

If you’ve been searching for the thing that’s finally going to make sobriety click, this is a conversation you’ll want to hear.

 

Links mentioned in this episode: 

Is Angela the right Coach for you? Book A Call Here to find out : addictionunlimited.com/call

Related Episode:  You’re Not Doing the Work – You’re Just Watching Other People Do It

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Prefer to read instead of listen? Here’s the full transcript of this episode.
Angela (00:20.718)

Hello, my friend. Welcome back to Addiction Unlimited. I’m your coach, Angela Pugh. Can you get sober without AA? Absolutely. 100%. You can get sober with AA, without AA, with a therapist, with a coach, with an online community, or with any number of different programs and resources. And you can also participate in every single one of those things.

And continue drinking. Because here’s something I want you to understand. The program isn’t the deciding factor. You are. And this is something we don’t talk about nearly enough in the recovery world. People are constantly searching for the thing that’s finally gonna make them stop drinking.

Angela (01:16.236)

The perfect program, the perfect meeting, the perfect podcast, the perfect approach that somehow makes everything click. And I understand that. When you’re struggling with alcohol, you are desperate for something to work. And if you’ve been trying to quit drinking for a while, you know how frustrating this can be. You find something that sounds

Promising, you get excited, you feel motivated, you think maybe this is finally going to be the thing that helps you stop drinking. And then somehow you end up right back where you started. So you start looking for the next thing. But what if the problem isn’t that you haven’t found the right program? What if there’s something else happening that you haven’t even recognized yet?

If you’ve been trying to quit drinking for months or years and you keep finding yourself right back where you started, this is a conversation you’ll want to hear.

I’ve worked with thousands of people over the years, and one thing I see constantly is people moving from one solution to the next. They listen to all the sobriety podcasts, they sign up for free challenges, they download the worksheets, they join online communities, they try the 30-day reset, the 90-day challenge, the year-long things, a new course, a new method, and they continue drinking. Then they decide whatever they tried didn’t work.

So they go looking for something else. And listen, I’m a coach. I have courses. I have a recovery community. I have resources and worksheets. I believe in these things because I’ve seen how incredibly valuable they can be. And I’m 20 years sober with zero relapses. Obviously, my way works. I know exactly what it takes to stay sober and recovery.

Angela (03:14.486)

I know exactly what it takes to stay sober and recover. I also know what all these resources and programs can’t do. They can’t make your decisions for you. They can’t make you tell the truth. They can’t make you show up when you don’t feel like showing up. They can’t make you change your routine or have difficult conversations or take responsibility for the choices you’re making.

They can give you information, structure, education, accountability, and support. But you have to use those things. You have to make the decision not to drink. And then you have to keep making decisions throughout your day that support that decision. You either make choices that move you closer to sobriety or you make choices that keep you connected to drinking. And those choices add up.

Now, I’m not saying it’s easy. Addiction is complicated. There are physical and psychological, emotional, behavioral components, and some people need different components as part of their recovery. But there’s a difference between needing help and expecting help to do everything for you. A program can support your recovery.

Angela (04:40.448)

A program can support your recovery. It can’t build your recovery for you.

Angela (05:07.308)

And if you’re constantly looking for a different program instead of examining what you’re doing with the resources you already have, then no program is going to work for you, right? And this is why people put entirely too much emphasis on which program they’re going to choose, because they start believing that if they can just find the right one, everything will finally fall into place. But that’s not how any of this works.

You can sit in an AA meeting every single day and continue drinking. You can hire an incredible coach and ignore every single suggestion they make. You can join the greatest recovery community on the planet and never participate. You can buy all the courses, download all the resources, and listen to every podcast available. And none of it has to change a single thing about your life because information.

Isn’t transformation. What you do with the information is what changes your life. And that’s true no matter which program you choose.

Angela (06:19.412)

Here’s something else I’ve noticed. People will spend an extraordinary amount of time researching recovery programs. They’re comparing philosophies, reading reviews, listening to other people’s opinions, and trying to figure out which approach is going to be the best fit. And there’s nothing wrong with learning about your options, right? But at some point, all that research and evaluating can become another way to procrastinate, another way to avoid actually getting started.

Because as long as you’re still deciding, you don’t have to commit. You don’t have to walk into a room full of strangers. You don’t have to tell anybody what’s going on. You don’t have to rearrange your schedule or make uncomfortable changes. You can just keep looking for the perfect solution. And because you’re doing something related to sobriety, it feels productive. But researching recovery isn’t the same thing as participating in recovery.

And I think people get those two things confused all the time. You don’t have to figure out which program you’re going to attend for the rest of your life. You don’t have to understand every principle or agree with every concept before you begin. You just need a place to start. And if you don’t like where you start, you can change it. You’re an adult. You get to make decisions. But you have to stop treating the decision about where you’re going to sit.

as though it’s more important than what you’re actually willing to do once you get there. Because it’s not.

Now let’s talk about the things that actually matter, because there are certain qualities and behaviors that are fundamental to building lasting recovery. And these things don’t belong to AA. They don’t belong to recovery Dharma or Smart Recovery or a therapist or a sobriety coach. They’re things you have to bring to the table, no matter what recovery approach you choose. And the first one is honesty.

Angela (08:26.006)

Rigorous honesty. If there’s one principle I believe is absolutely fundamental to recovery, it’s honesty. And not just being honest with other people, I’m talking about being honest with yourself.

Angela (08:59.235)

You have to be willing to identify the reality of your situation. If you cannot drink alcohol without creating problems in your life, you have to acknowledge that. Not negotiate with it, not minimize it, not keep searching for some magical set of circumstances where drinking will suddenly become manageable. You have to stop lying to yourself about what’s happening. You have to be honest that you need support.

And yes, I know you might be independent. I know you’re smart and successful and perfectly capable of handling all kinds of difficult things in your life. But being capable doesn’t mean you don’t need help. You have to be honest that you’re not perfect. You have to be honest that recovery requires time and effort. And if you constantly blow off recovery activities because something more convenient or interesting comes along, you need to be honest about that too.

Don’t tell yourself you’re doing everything you possibly can when you’re not. Don’t confuse thinking about sobriety with actually working on sobriety. And one of the biggest things, you have to get honest about who you actually are versus who you want everyone to think you are. Because a lot of people out here are more invested in protecting their image.

Them protecting their future. And at some point, you have to decide which one matters more. Are you committed to getting sober? Or are you committed to making sure nobody knows you have a drinking problem? And here’s my point: AA can teach you about rigorous honesty. A therapist can help you recognize patterns of denial. A coach can challenge the stories you’re telling yourself, but nobody can force you to be honest. That’s your responsibility.

And if you’re not willing to confront the truth, it doesn’t matter what program you’re attending.

Angela (11:03.358)

The next thing is willingness. And this is one of the biggest differences I see between people who continue struggling and people who start making meaningful progress. In AA, we have a phrase I absolutely love: the gift of desperation. It’s that point where the fear of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of changing. And when someone reaches that point, their attitude changes. I’ve seen this.

Thousands of times. When someone is still resisting, every suggestion is met with an explanation of why it won’t work. I can’t do that because of my schedule. I tried that before. My husband wouldn’t understand. I’m not comfortable talking in groups. I don’t have time. I don’t think that’s right for me. There’s always an obstacle, right? But when someone becomes genuinely willing, the entire conversation changes.

Instead of telling me they’ve tried something before and it didn’t work, people will say, like, I’ve tried that before, but I’m willing to try again. Instead of saying they can’t talk to their spouse, they’ll say, I don’t really know how to have that conversation. Can you help me figure that out? You see the difference there? They stop supporting their limitations and start looking for solutions. Their life circumstances haven’t necessarily changed. Their job hasn’t changed, family hasn’t changed, schedule hasn’t changed.

What changed is their willingness. And that’s something no recovery program can manufacture for you. A program can give you suggestions. It can introduce new ways of thinking and behaving. It can provide people who encourage you to keep trying. But it cannot make you willing. You have to decide whether you’re going to keep defending all the reasons something won’t work.

Or start looking for ways to make it work.

Angela (13:04.838)

And you don’t have to wait until your entire life falls apart to make that decision. You can start right now. Here’s another one: taking responsibility for your own recovery. Because a recovery program isn’t following you around all day making your decisions. AA doesn’t decide whether you go to the liquor store after work. Your coach doesn’t decide whether you keep hanging out with your drinking friends in drinking environments.

Your therapist doesn’t decide whether you have that uncomfortable

Your therapist doesn’t decide whether you have that uncomfortable conversation with your spouse. And your recovery community doesn’t decide whether you show up for a meeting or spend another night sitting on the couch drinking. You make those decisions. And yes, addiction can make those decisions extraordinarily difficult. That’s one reason support and treatment can be so important. But the support doesn’t eliminate your responsibility.

To participate in the process. You have to make time for your recovery. You have to use the tools you’re learning. You have to be willing to examine your behavior and make different choices. And this is where people get stuck. They want to stop drinking, but they don’t want anything else to change. They want to keep the same friends, the same activities, the same routines, the same relationships, and the same lifestyle.

And on top of that, they don’t want anybody to know they’re struggling with alcohol in the first place. They want to quietly stop drinking, keep everything looking exactly the same on the outside, make sure nobody notices what they’re going through. They don’t want questions, they don’t want conversations, and they certainly don’t want anyone thinking they have a drinking problem. They just want to remove the alcohol without disrupting anything else in their lives. And I understand why that sounds appealing, but here’s the problem.

Angela (15:08.278)

Nothing changes if nothing changes. You can’t continue doing everything the same way and expect a completely different outcome. And no program is gonna magically change those things for you. It’s your life. You are the one that has to live it differently.

Angela (15:44.812)

And this is where I think it’s important to understand the difference between sobriety and recovery, because simply not drinking is one thing. But learning how to live without alcohol is something much bigger. You can remove alcohol from your life and still have all the same unhealthy behaviors, emotional struggles, and relationship patterns that existed when you were drinking.

You can still be dishonest. You can still avoid responsibility. You can still struggle with boundaries, communication, resentment, anger, fear. And this is why recovery is about so much more than putting down a drink. It’s about learning how to handle life. How do you manage stress? How do you deal with disappointment? How do you communicate? How do you tolerate uncomfortable feelings without immediately trying to escape them?

How do you take responsibility when you’ve made mistakes? These are life skills. And if you’ve spent years using alcohol to manage your life, you have to learn or strengthen some of those skills. That’s what recovery helps you do. But again, no program can develop those skills for you without your participation.

Angela (17:05.1)

You can learn about healthy communication in AA, in therapy, in a coaching program, in a recovery community, but eventually you have to go home and actually communicate differently. You can learn about accountability in a meeting, but eventually you have to take accountability for something. You can learn about boundaries, but eventually you have to set one. The program teaches you how. You have to put it into practice.

Angela (17:38.656)

And that’s what moves you from simply not drinking into building a life of recovery. So, what about AA? Let’s talk specifically about Alcoholics Anonymous because I’ve spent 20 years in AA and I have some strong opinions about it. But first of all, I love all the programs, right? I don’t care which one you go to. I just want you to find support and be committed to participating.

It doesn’t matter if you go to AA, Recovery Dharma, Celebrate Recovery, Smart Recovery, or something else. Because it’s not the name of the program that makes the difference. And I want to explain something about my own experience too. When I first started going to AA, I didn’t know anything about the program. All I knew was that’s where people went to not drink. And I wanted to be a person who didn’t drink. It was really that simple.

I wasn’t researching the 12 steps or studying the philosophy behind the program. I just knew I needed to stop drinking, and AA was where people went to get help with that. Now, I was a little freaked out about the religion thing. I’ve got my own religion trauma, but I reminded myself, like Angela, you’re a fucking grown-up, dude. No one can force you to go to church. Just sit down and shut the fuck up. I was perfectly capable of saying no, right?

And that concern wasn’t enough to keep me from doing something that might save my life.

Angela (19:12.502)

And that’s a perfect example of resistance and willingness. I had some fear about the religious aspect. I had preconceived ideas about something I didn’t understand, but I was still willing to go and figure it out because my sobriety was more important than my fear. I wasn’t walking in that room to evaluate everybody else’s beliefs.

I wasn’t there to decide whether I liked the language or the format. I was there to learn how to stay sober. And that’s what mattered.

Angela (19:54.934)

Now, here’s where I’m going to challenge some people because I hear a lot of people confidently declaring that AA doesn’t work for them. And when I start asking questions, I find out like they’ve been to three meetings, or maybe five, maybe 20, who knows? But they’ve never worked the steps, they’ve never had a sponsor, they’ve never meaningfully participated in the program, but they’ve decided it doesn’t work. And I have a problem with that.

Not because everybody needs to attend AA, they don’t, but because you cannot claim to understand something you’ve never actually experienced. You can say you didn’t like the meetings. You can say you felt uncomfortable. You can say the language seemed strange or the spiritual aspects made you nervous. That’s fair. But be honest about what you’re actually describing. You don’t know the program. You know how you felt walking into a few meetings.

And guess what? It’s weird. Of course it’s weird. You’re in a shitty place in your life, confronting something overwhelming and confusing. You feel terrible about yourself. You’re walking into a room full of strangers, doing something you’ve never done before, listening to people talk in a language you don’t understand. You don’t know what you’re doing, you don’t know what to expect. It’s all fucking weird. It’s all uncomfortable. Own that.

Don’t blame it on the program.

And I can say that because I’ve been there. I had reservations too. I was confused too. I was scared to death to walk in those rooms. But I was willing to go and stick around long enough to learn what was actually happening. Because being sober was more important to me than the weirdness. And I think a lot of people are putting entirely too much emphasis on things that.

Angela (21:56.076)

Have very little to do with whether you’re gonna stay sober or not. They get hung up on the language, they get hung up on the word alcoholic, they get hung up on the concept of a higher power. They overthink the steps and what they might require before they even understand what the steps are or why we do them. And meanwhile, they’re losing sight of the reason they went there in the first place to get help with drinking. Right? You don’t have to agree with every person in a recovery meeting.

You don’t have to like every single thing about a program. And you certainly don’t have to make somebody else’s beliefs your own. But you might need to stop evaluating everything around you long enough to pay attention to what you can learn.

Now, if you’ve genuinely explored AA and decided it’s not the right fit, that’s your decision. And yes, people can legitimately have negative experiences. But let’s be clear, negative experiences aren’t exclusive to AA either. People have bad experiences with therapists, coaches, treatment centers, online communities, churches, recovery communities, and everywhere else imaginable.

I’ve had worse experiences at the grocery store than I’ve ever had in AA. Definitely worse experiences with therapists. You’re dealing with human beings, and human beings aren’t perfect. Sometimes you encounter people you don’t connect with. Sometimes you get bad advice. Sometimes you end up in a group that’s just not a good fit. And sometimes those experiences are genuinely harmful, and you absolutely have the right to walk away.

But having a bad experience with one person or one meeting or one group doesn’t automatically mean the entire program is bad. You have to be able to separate your experience with an individual from your understanding of the program itself. Because you can go to another program and have a bad experience too. Some people have really serious issues and struggles, and those people will be in all the programs.

Angela (24:11.948)

And if you decide something isn’t the right fit for you, that’s fine. Find something else. But don’t let one negative experience become your justification for giving up on getting help altogether. Because remember, the goal here isn’t to find a program where you’re never going to be uncomfortable. The goal is to get sober.

Angela (24:43.052)

Now, let me tell you what happened when I stopped worrying about everything I didn’t understand and started participating. I was blown away by the people. I had never experienced anything like it. There was so much love and support and honesty and laughter. People are willing to do extraordinary things for each other.

And there was this overwhelming sense of belonging, right? Here I was sitting in rooms full of people who looked different from me, came from different backgrounds, and had completely different lives and experiences. But every single person who shared said something I could relate to. Every single one of them. Someone would talk about their anger, and I understood. Someone would talk about lying, and I’m like, yep, I get that.

Someone would share about their relationships, their fears, the mistakes they made, or things they were ashamed of. And I understood. And more importantly, I got to hear how people were changing, how they handled situations differently, how they repaired relationships, how they learned to deal with their emotions, how they made mistakes, took responsibility, and healed.

I learned about myself by listening to other people tell the truth about themselves. It was like having a mirror in front of me every day. And I can’t possibly explain how valuable that was because I wasn’t just learning how to stop drinking. I was learning how to be a better person. And at some point, I don’t know, probably around six or eight months into my sobriety, I started understanding something else.

The principles of AA aren’t exclusive to AA. They stole all that shit from other places. We’re talking about principles that have existed for centuries. Ancient philosophy, religion, stoicism, psychology, spiritual traditions, right? It’s honesty, humility, accountability, acceptance, service, self-examination, forgiveness. AA didn’t invent those things.

Angela (27:01.622)

And you don’t have to attend AA to learn them. But here’s what AA did so incredibly well. It took these powerful principles, organized them into a framework, and surrounded them with people who could help you understand and practice them. And then it made all of that accessible for free. I didn’t have to figure out what books to read.

what philosophies to study, which principles mattered, or how to implement them. All I had to do was walk into a room, sit down, shut up, and learn. And I needed that. I would have never figured all those things out by myself. And even if I somehow found the information, I didn’t have the structure or accountability or consistency to put it into practice. That’s what the program gave me.

And here’s the important part.

I didn’t have that experience simply because the letters on the door were A and A. I had that experience because I showed up. I listened. I participated. I was surrounded by people working toward a common goal and I was willing to learn from them. That’s how I was willing to show up. And that’s the part that matters. How you show up. And that kind of growth can happen.

In

Angela (28:35.084)

And that kind of growth can happen in other recovery programs too, because the principles don’t belong to AA, and neither does recovery. You know, there’s something we say in the rooms, you come to quit drinking, you stay for the fellowship. And that’s certainly been true for me. I love alcoholics. We are some of the best people on the planet. We are charming and smart and funny, and we love fiercely.

There’s just something extraordinary about being surrounded by people who truly understand the thing you’ve struggled with. Because alcoholism is a monster. It infiltrates every part of your life. And while people who haven’t experienced it can absolutely love and support you.

There’s a particular understanding that comes from someone who’s lived with that same monster. They understand the mental battles, they understand the shame, they understand the stakes. And most of us don’t get many opportunities in our everyday lives to be surrounded by people who understand that part of us. But in AA, I had rooms full of them. And nothing makes me happier than a room full of alcoholics. The laughter, the love, the honesty.

The absolute ridiculousness of some of our stories. I mean, it’s incredible. And over time, something else happened. I started feeling a sense of responsibility to be there for the next person, especially the next woman. Because I remembered what it felt like to walk through those doors for the first time. I was scared to death, wondering what kind of weirdos I was about to encounter. And

My first meeting was all men at least 25 years older than me, not exactly the environment I was dying for. So, what I wanted was when that next woman walked in the room, I wanted her to see someone like me. Another woman who was happy, who was smiling and laughing, who was comfortable with herself and proud of her sobriety, someone who could help her see that her life wasn’t over.

Angela (30:51.544)

That there was actually something extraordinary waiting for her on the other side of drinking. And for many years, that was an important reason I continued showing up. And that’s one of the beautiful things a recovery community can provide: connection, support, belonging, perspective, and opportunities to help other people. But again,

None of those things are exclusive to AA. You can find extraordinary people in all kinds of recovery communities. And I encourage you to find yours.

But you have to show up and participate if you want to experience those benefits. You can’t sit on the sidelines judging everybody and expect to develop meaningful relationships. You have to be part of it.

Angela (31:41.506)

And I want to touch on one last part of this too, the judging other people in the room. Every week of my life, I’m in a conversation with someone who’s telling me how uncomfortable they are in a meeting with other people who have to be there. And they’re like, Well, there were some other people who had to be there, like court ordered to be there, and I don’t have to be there. Well, so fucking what? It’s not AA’s fault that the court system makes people go there.

It also doesn’t mean that you’re somehow different or better than that person. And lastly, it’s none of your fucking business. It is literally none of your business what anyone else in that room is doing. It’s none of your business if they’re court ordered, if they believe in God, or if they’re gonna be drunk by nightfall. You are there to stop drinking, not to analyze everyone in the room.

and share your super important thoughts and opinions about them. Mind your own business and learn how to love people instead of trying to make yourself feel better by minimizing other people. You are your business, not anyone else.

So let’s come back to where we started. Can you get sober without AA? Absolutely. You can get sober through many different programs and approaches. But here’s what I really want you to understand: the decision about which program to choose is not nearly as important as the decision to actively participate in your own recovery.

People want to know which program has the highest success rate, which meetings are best, which approach is gonna feel the most comfortable, which one has the best philosophy. And I’m not saying those things don’t matter at all. Of course, you want to find support that meets your needs, but you don’t need to turn that decision into a six-month research project while you continue drinking. Find a place to start. Show up, listen, ask questions, learn.

Angela (33:49.494)

And start putting things into practice. And here’s something else you might find interesting. In a 2020

Angela (34:01.224)

In 2020, a major Cochrane review examined 27 studies involving more than 10,000 people to evaluate the effectiveness of Alcoholics Anonymous and 12-step facilitation compared to other established treatments. And you know what they found? AA and structured 12-step approaches actually produced higher rates of continuous abstinence.

than other established treatments, including cognitive behavioral therapy. That’s a significant finding. And I think it deserves attention, especially when people are so quick to dismiss AA as outdated or ineffective. AA has a tremendous amount to offer. The structure, the fellowship, the accountability, the opportunity to learn from people who’ve been where you are, and the research supports its effectiveness.

But having access to those things and actually taking advantage of them are two different things. The program can provide the opportunity. You still have to participate. Because no matter where you go, you’re still gonna have to be honest. You’re still gonna have to take responsibility. You’re still gonna have to make time for your recovery. You’re still gonna have to learn how to navigate life without alcohol.

And you’re still gonna have to make decisions that support the life you’re trying to build. No program can eliminate those responsibilities, and no program should have to.

Angela (35:42.604)

Because the whole point of recovery is learning how to live your life differently, learning how to trust yourself, learning how to deal with difficult situations, learning how to manage your emotions, communicate, build relationships, and take care of yourself. And those are the things you need to develop within yourself. With support, absolutely, but you’re the one who has to practice them.

I hope by now you understand why I don’t think choosing a recovery program needs to be nearly as complicated as people make it. I love AA. I love the people, the fellowship, the structure, everything I’ve learned over 20 years. I love all the programs because they all offer the important components of support, learning, love, and accountability.

And I know people can create extraordinary sober lives through a ton of different approaches. What matters is what you’re willing to do. Are you willing to be honest? Are you willing to ask for help? Are you willing to make time? Are you willing to try something unfamiliar? Are you willing to examine your own behavior and make changes? Because those are the things that matter, not the name of the program.

Not whether everybody in the room believes the same things you believe, not whether you love every word they use or every suggestion they make, and not whether the experience is always comfortable.

Angela (37:14.124)

You don’t have to find the perfect program. You have to find a place where you can get support, learn, and start doing the work. And then you have to actually do it. You can sit in AA meetings for the next 20 years and keep drinking. You can work with a coach, attend therapy, join online communities, and buy every sobriety course on the planet and still never change. Because you can’t outsource your recovery. The program doesn’t decide whether you drink.

The program doesn’t decide whether you show up. The program doesn’t decide whether you’re honest with yourself. And the program doesn’t decide whether you’re willing to change your life. You do. So don’t spend so much time deciding where you’re gonna sit and start paying attention to what you’re willing to do once you get there. Because you don’t have to get sober through AA, but you do have to participate in your own recovery.

Because you don’t have to get sober through AA, but you do have to participate in your own recovery. And that’s something no program on the planet can do for you. If you’re tired of going in circles, trying different things, and continuing to end up in the same place, that’s exactly the kind of work I can help you with too. And I have a few different options to choose from. We can look at what’s keeping you stuck, what needs to change, what fits your lifestyle.

Not everyone is appropriate for the same thing. That’s why I have options. But you can book a free call with me and we’ll talk about how to start moving forward. AddictionUlimited.com forward slash call. You don’t have to figure everything out by yourself, but you do have to be willing to show up for yourself. And that is where your recovery begins. Again, addictionunlimited.com forward slash call. That link is always in the show notes.

I love you guys. I hope you’re having a fantastic day. And I will see you next week.

Okay, real question. Have you ever wanted someone to grab breakfast with, or take a class with, and then realized… you honestly don’t know who you’d ask?

Yeah. Why is making friends as an adult so damn awkward—and where are you supposed to meet people?

It gets even weirder when you quit drinking.

You might still love your friends, but you don’t want to spend every Saturday night watching them get drunk.

You want people you can laugh with, and conversations you’ll actually remember the next morning.

You just have no clue where those people are hiding.

And if you’re an introvert like me, someone telling you to “just put yourself out there” probably makes you want to throw your coffee at them.

I get it. I love being home. I need a lot of alone time.

I will never be the girl who walks into a room with her hand out, ready to chat everybody up.

But I’ve also learned that when I’ve gone days without talking to a real human, I need connection too.

And I had to learn how to do that without alcohol.

In this episode, I take you back to my early days in AA, when my anxiety was so bad I’d grab the corner seat and slip out early so nobody could talk to me.

I wanted so badly to stay sober and be comfortable, but I was doing everything I could to be invisible.

So I made a deal with myself to start changing my patterns, and my first step was a lot smaller than starting a conversation.

I also had to admit something kind of embarrassing: people weren’t approaching me in life because I wasn’t approachable.

Head down, sunglasses on, earbuds in, nose in my phone. Apparently that doesn’t say “come say hi.” Who knew? 😂

I’ll tell you how I made two friends, one from my gym and one from a tarot class (yes, really).

We’ll also talk about where to meet people, what to actually say, how you go from “hey, good to see you” to “want to grab breakfast?”, and what to do when someone says no.

You don’t have to turn into an extrovert.

You just have to let people get to know you.

And then you can go home and put your sweatpants on. 💛

Links mentioned in this episode: 

Sober Society Membership: addictionunlimited.com/membership

Book A Call Here: addictionunlimited.com/call

Related Episode:  Guaranteed Results When Your Social Life Is Stalled

Follow me on Instagram: @addictionunlimited

Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/addictionunlimited

 

 

Prefer to read instead of listen? Here’s the full transcript of this episode.

Hello, my friend. Welcome back to another episode of the Addiction Unlimited podcast. I’m your coach, Angela Pugh. Today we’re talking about something that can feel surprisingly difficult when you quit drinking: making friends. Because where the hell are adults supposed to meet people? You’re a grown-up. You have responsibilities and routines in a life that’s already pretty full. You’re not sitting next to somebody in school every day or

Living down the hall from a hundred other people who are also looking for something to do on Friday night. And when you take alcohol out of the picture, you may realize you don’t know what your social life looks like anymore. Maybe you still love your friends, but you don’t want to spend every weekend doing the things you used to do together. Maybe you want someone to have breakfast with or go for a walk, take a class, or have a conversation you’ll actually remember the next day.

You want connection. You just don’t know where to start.

Angela (01:23.47)

And if you’re an introvert or you’ve relied on alcohol to feel comfortable around people, the advice to just put yourself out there probably makes you want to throw something. So today we’re going to get more specific than that. Where do you go? How do you get past the anxiety? What do you say? And how do you build friendships without the liquid courage of alcohol, turning you into an outgoing person who wants to talk to everybody?

And I promise you, this is all possible because I am an extreme introvert. And if I can figure this out, you definitely can. Alone time is a requirement for me. And I require a little more of it than most people do. I also have anxiety. It’s gotten better as I’ve gotten older, but it’ll never be completely gone. So I will never be the person.

Angela (02:24.792)

So I will never be the person who walks into a room with my hand out, like ready to shake hands and introduce myself and make small talk. I would literally rather die. Now, if somebody starts a conversation with me and we connect, I can talk all day long. I think sometimes people confuse introversion with being shy or insecure, uncomfortable with yourself. Those aren’t interchangeable things. I’m very confident.

I just don’t enjoy large groups and small talk.

Angela (03:10.304)

If I’m surrounded by conversations that don’t interest me, I’m probably gonna be quiet because I’m bored to tears. And eventually I’ll fake a headache and get the hell out of there. But when I feel safe with somebody, when I can open up and laugh and have a meaningful conversation, I’m happy to let that person in my bubble.

And I know a lot of you understand that because a lot of my clients are introverts too.

Angela (03:42.124)

You enjoy being home, you like your space, you don’t want plans every night of the week, and a canceled invitation sometimes feels like a little gift from the universe. You can enjoy all of that and still need friends. For me, I can usually tell when I need connection because I start getting irritable, right? I’m working too much, I’m getting overtired, I’m spending too much time in my own little world.

And it doesn’t always announce itself like Angela, you’re lonely. Sometimes it shows up as me needing to get away from my work and connect and laugh with somebody who knows me.

Angela (04:34.062)

Mm mm.

Angela (04:42.552)

For me, I can usually tell when I need connection because I start getting irritable, right? I’m working too much, I’m overtired, and I’m just spending way too much time in my own little world. And it doesn’t announce itself. It’s not like all of a sudden my head goes, Angela, you’re lonely. No, it’s usually that.

Angela (05:07.318)

No, it’s usually that I find myself being bitchy, like every little thing is irritating the shit out of me. And then I have to go through my checklist, right? Halt, hungry, angry, lonely, tired. That’s always where I start. And I’ll realize, like, holy shit, you know, it’s been three days and I haven’t had human contact. So

Angela (05:32.992)

I need soul food. Connection is soul food. Time with friends I can open up with and be myself. I also know my limits. There’s only so much being out of the house and being around people I can comfortably do in a week. I will hit my limit of being in public and I need to go home and recharge in peace and sweatpants. But that’s the kind of social life I want you thinking about building, one that gives you connection and

fits who you actually are.

Angela (06:07.924)

And there’s a part of this conversation where we have to get honest about our own behavior, right? Because when someone tells me like, I don’t have any sober friends, my first response is, well, you have to go where the sober people are and say hi, right? A bus full of sober people isn’t gonna show up at your house and ask to be your friend. They’re not coming down your street with a breakfast reservation and a seat saved for you. You have to participate. And I say that with love because we can’t stay home all the time.

Bitch about how much we hate people and then whine when we don’t have friends and fun things to do. Pick a fucking lane. It’s one or the other. You either hate the people or you want things to do and have friends. You are perfectly allowed to be a homebody. You can prefer quiet evenings in a small circle. There’s nothing wrong with that. But if you’re unhappy with how disconnected you feel, you have to look at your decisions and figure out if you’re really trying to make connections at all.

If you decline every invitation, never go anywhere new, and leave every activity before anyone has a chance to talk to you, those choices affect your opportunities to make friends. Own that.

Mm.

Angela (07:39.914)

You don’t control whether a particular person becomes your friend. You do have control over whether you make room to meet people and get to know them. And this matters when we talk about social activities and drinking and anxiety. A lot of people tell me that feeling anxious around others was one of the main reasons they drank. Social situations. Everybody thinks they’re unique that they have social anxiety. You’re not unique.

Almost all of us have it, right? It’s one of the ways alcohol traps us. Alcohol was how you walked into the party, started the conversation, or stopped worrying about what everyone else thinks of you. It allows you to feel like you belong and you’re connected. When you quit drinking, those situations feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I understand why you’d want to avoid them.

But if you keep waiting until you feel completely comfortable before you do anything, you could be waiting a very long time.

Angela (08:44.684)

You really need a manageable place to start. And I mean manageable for you. When I first started going to AA, my anxiety was so bad, I could barely function. I mean, obviously I was brand new sober. I just quit drinking. I’m still in withdrawal and post-acute withdrawal. But I couldn’t not go just because my anxiety was an asshole. I needed to be there. And I knew it would never get easier if I didn’t challenge myself.

Right, because if you left it up to me and my introverted anxious self, I would find the most corner y corner seat in the room, preferably where somebody could not sit next to me.

Angela (09:29.398)

I wouldn’t talk to anyone, and I might leave a little early to make absolutely sure I escaped before the small talk started.

Not because I didn’t want connection. I wanted to feel comfortable with those people, but my anxiety was unbearable. And avoiding everybody was how I got through it.

The problem was I wanted to feel like I belonged.

Angela (10:00.396)

The problem was I wanted to feel like I belonged while doing everything I could to remain invisible. So I had to give myself something small enough that I would actually do it, but challenging enough to start changing my pattern. That’s the crux of recovery, changing your patterns. So I made a deal with myself: make eye contact with one person every day. That was my entire assignment.

I didn’t have to introduce myself or start a conversation. I just had to look at one person instead of looking at the floor and making my way to my little corner.

And it had to be a different person every day. That’s part of it too. I couldn’t just pick one person and eye contact with the same person every day. It had to be a different person. And when that became comfortable, I added the next step: make eye contact and say hi. That’s it. Just hi. I didn’t need to stop and exchange astrological signs and the ages of our children and our entire family fucking histories. Nobody was asking me to become the welcoming committee. I just had to say one word.

And when that got easier, I bumped it up to a few words. How are you? Good to see you. Glad you’re here. And by the time I got to that third step, going to meetings felt so much easier. I wasn’t freaking out every day about to cry. I was looking forward to going in. People knew my name and I felt like I belonged.

Angela (11:29.954)

That connection I wanted finally had some room to happen because I was letting people see me and get to know me a little bit at a time.

I didn’t wait until I felt comfortable to participate. I participated in small ways until I started feeling more comfortable. And that’s what I want you to take from this. Your first step can just be eye contact. It can be one word. You can choose something that stretches you without expecting yourself to handle everything at once. But you have to choose something. Again, you can do nothing or you can do something.

I knew what doing nothing was getting me: a corner seat, an early exit, and probably drunk again. If I wanted connection and sobriety, I had to start making different choices. Something else I had to learn about myself is that people don’t often approach me because I’m not very approachable. And that was a weird little discovery for me.

Angela (12:37.024)

I can want connection all day long, but if my head is down and I’m avoiding eye contact and I look like I don’t want to be bothered, what invitation am I giving somebody to talk to me? And now we have our phones, makes it even worse, right? You can walk into a room full of people and immediately disappear into your screen. You’re physically there, but nobody has any reason to think you’re interested in interacting. And then you go home and say, Nobody talked to me. Well, did you look up? I mean

I had to recognize that in myself. And once I did, I started correcting it. Now I make a point to walk in with my head up, my phone in my pocket, I smile at people, I make eye contact, I pay attention to what’s happening around me instead of staying buried in my phone or lost in my own thoughts. I’m still the same introvert, but I’m giving people a chance to see that I’m open to them.

Because someone across the room can’t know you’re sitting there wishing you had a friend. They can only see what you’re showing them. And if everything about your behavior says leave me alone, they’re gonna leave you alone.

Angela (13:50.368)

I used to always be head down in my phone, sunglasses always on, earbuds in. Of course, connection was challenging. I looked like a weirdo, right? But before you decide nobody ever approaches you, take an honest look at how you show up. Are you making yourself available for conversation? Are you looking at anyone? When someone smiles at you, do you smile back? Those are small things you can start changing right now, today.

And sometimes that’s where you need to begin, creating an opening instead of wondering why no one’s coming in.

Angela (14:46.988)

And that same willingness to take one small step at a time is how you give yourself a chance to make friends outside recovery too. Once you have a manageable way to interact with people, the next question is where do you want to keep showing up? For me, it helps to have something to do, right? I don’t want to walk in a room where my entire assignment is to mingle. That is not fun for me. I need a

purpose, an activity, something to do with my hands, give me a class, something to learn, something I’m interested in. Then I have a reason to be there. And I already have something in common with everyone else in the room. We already have something to talk about.

Angela (15:35.19)

I have a gym friend and we’ve taken the same class together every week for years. We started saying hi, then having short conversations. Eventually, she invited me to breakfast with some of the other women. Then we went to the pool at our gym after class a few times over the summer. We aren’t lifelong besties, but we connect and we really enjoy each other.

And look how that happened. We’re both doing something we enjoyed, seeing each other regularly. We start chatting about our workouts and getting comfortable with each other.

And look how that happened. We’re both doing something we enjoyed, seeing each other regularly. We started chatting about our workouts and getting comfortable with each other. Then someone extended an invitation. That’s something you can create opportunities for in your own life. Pick a class that meets every week, volunteer somewhere regularly, find a walking group or a recovery meeting you can return to. So you have a chance to recognize people and be recognized.

Because if you go somewhere once, don’t talk to anybody and leave saying, well, that didn’t work, what exactly did you give a chance to happen? You walked into a room full of strangers. It may take a few visits before you have someone to say hi to, and a few more before you have a conversation you want to continue. Give yourself and the people around you some time. Another girlfriend of mine I met in a tarot class.

I love all things, spirituality, the universe, the stars, the signs. And I had a growing curiosity about tarot. And I thought it’d be fun to learn more about it. And I am a person who literally wants to know everything. Like there’s almost nothing on the planet I don’t want to learn more about. So I found a class and I signed up.

Angela (17:29.238)

We sat next to each other every Sunday for six weeks. By the second or third week, we decided to get something to eat after class. Then we started doing that after every class. And now we’re fantastic friends. That friendship started because I followed my curiosity and actually signed up for something. So think about what interests you. What would you enjoy learning? What have you wanted to try? What’s something you used to love that you haven’t made time for?

And choose an activity that you will enjoy even if you don’t make a friend immediately, right? You’ll have a reason to go back. And while you’re there, you’ll be around people who share at least one of your interests.

Angela (18:16.346)

And if what you specifically need is sober friends, go where sober people gather. Recovery meetings, sober communities, alcohol-free activities. These give you an opportunity to meet people who understand that part of your life. There’s a lot of comfort being around people who get it, where you don’t have to explain why you aren’t drinking or wonder if you’re going to spend the whole night watching everyone else get drunk.

You can also make friends through your work, through gym, the classes.

You can also make friends through work or the gym, classes, other interests, other parents you meet through your kids’ events and sports and school things. Your social life can include people who don’t share your recovery experience, but still respect your sobriety completely.

Angela (19:11.97)

Think about what you want to spend time doing and who you enjoy doing it with. You’re building a life and there’s room for different people in it. Now, once you meet somebody you like, there’s another little step you have to take too. You know how I went from eye contact to hi and then a few words. Well, this is another version of that. You’ve had some conversations, you enjoy each other. Now you can give that connection somewhere to go.

With my gym friend, she invited me to breakfast. With my friend from Tarot, we decided to get food after class. You can do that too. Say to your person, hey, do you want to grab something to eat after class? Or when you’ve been talking for a few minutes and having some laughs, this has been really fun. We should grab coffee sometime. You’re suggesting a little more time together. You don’t have to figure out whether you’re gonna be friends for the next 30 years before you have breakfast.

And I know there’s some vulnerability there. You’re letting somebody know you like them without knowing exactly how they’ll respond. But the other person may be just as hesitant to ask you. And if you both are waiting for the other person to make a move, you could spend the next six months smiling at each other across the parking lot.

Angela (20:36.438)

And if both of you are waiting for the other person to make a move, you could spend the next six months smiling at each other across the fucking parking lot. Somebody has to offer the invitation. And if they can’t make it, give yourself a minute before you turn that into a story about how they don’t like you. People have schedules, kids, jobs, and things you don’t know about.

One declined invitation doesn’t tell you everything about how they feel. Listen, I’ve gone through a couple of years of life struggles that no one could see on the surface, and I declined a ton of invitations. Not because I didn’t want to go or I didn’t want to spend time with someone, but because I had health stuff going on and I had no energy, and my stress level was astronomical. Give people room to have their own stuff.

Without making it all about you. You can suggest another time or see if they offer one. If there’s consistently no interest or effort coming back, put your energy elsewhere. Friendship needs participation from both people.

I also want you to leave room for friendships that look different from one another. I’ve told you how much I value deep connection. I need people I can open up to and laugh with and people I feel safe letting into my bubble. I also value my gym friend. We enjoy each other. We have fun together. That friendship adds something good to my life. You may have someone you love walking with, someone you have breakfast with, someone you call when you’re having a hard day.

Some of those friendships may deepen over time. Others may stay centered on something you both enjoy. They all have value. If you expect every person you meet to immediately feel like your life

Angela (22:49.632)

If you expect every person you meet to immediately feel like your long-lost soul sister, you could overlook some really good connections. This was huge for me in early sobriety. I went to coffee and lunch and dinners after meetings with all kinds of people, most of them probably 20 or 30 years older than me. We don’t have to have every single lifestyle thing in common to enjoy a coffee and great conversation.

People are amazing and smart and funny, especially alcoholics. We are the most amazing and smart and funny. And I learned a lot from those coffees and lunches. We didn’t need to pledge our lifelong love for each other and exchange friendship bracelets.

Angela (23:41.08)

We didn’t need to pledge our lifelong love for each other and exchange friendship bracelets. We could still enjoy one another, spend a little time together, and learn from each other. Let yourself enjoy someone without deciding right away you need them to be your new BFF. And when you do find people you enjoy, make some room for them. Answer the message, follow up when you said you would, suggest a plan occasionally.

Let the other person know you want to spend time with them too. You can do that while respecting your limits. I’m still an introvert. I still need plenty of time at home. I hit a point where I am done being in public. Knowing that about myself helps me make plans I actually want to keep.

Angela (24:37.004)

Know yourself, right? You can meet one person instead of joining a large group. You can have breakfast after a class you’re already attending. You can spend an hour together and then go home. You don’t need to fill every empty space on your calendar. You do need to give friendship some space if you want it to grow. So let’s come back to the question how do you make friends when you don’t drink? Go where you have a chance to meet people.

Include sober spaces when you need that shared understanding and follow interests that put you around like-minded people. Keep going back. Give yourself time to become familiar with people instead of deciding after one anxiety-ridden visit that it didn’t work.

And if talking feels overwhelming, remember where I started. Eye contact. Then hi. Then good to see you. Choose something you’re willing to practice and build from there. When you meet someone you like, help the connection move forward. Offer an invitation, accept an invitation, and follow through. Let those friendships develop without expecting every person to become your closest friend.

That’s how you start creating a social life that fits you, one where you have people to laugh with, things to look forward to, or somewhere you feel like you belong. You can be an introvert and have that. You can love your alone time and have that, but you have to participate in building it. This week, choose one step and follow through. If you’ve been avoiding every opportunity to meet people, choose somewhere to go. If you’re already going but hiding in your corner,

Practice letting someone see you. If you found someone you enjoy, ask them to grab coffee. Make your next step specific enough that you know whether you’ve done it. And if you’re looking for a place to start connecting with other people in sobriety, that’s part of why I created Sober Society. It gives you a place to show up regularly and get to know people who are also building their lives without alcohol. And when you join, give us a chance to get to know you.

Angela (26:58.51)

Come to a meeting, say hi, respond to someone in the community and keep coming back. And you’ll also have the member hub where we work on the everyday challenges of building a life you enjoy without alcohol. You can learn more about sober society membership at addictionunlimited.com forward slash membership. That link is always in the show notes. Addictionunlimited.com forward slash membership.

I know how much easier it can feel to stay in your own little world, but I also know what it meant to walk into a room I used to be terrified of and hear somebody say my name. Give yourself a chance to have that feeling. And then afterward, you can go home and put on your sweatpants.

Angela (27:50.806)

And remember too, if you want help with all of these things, all of these changes, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, if you’re done screwing around with trying and you’re ready to actually make some progress and have some support and have people to laugh with.

Book a call to talk about us working together. You know, we’ll see if we’re a good fit. And if we are, we can get started immediately. I actually have, I think I have two openings for private coaching right now. And you can book a call with me at addictionunlimited.com forward slash call. That link is always in the show notes and always in your weekly podcast emails if you’re on my email list. Addictionunlimited.com forward slash call.

I love you guys. I want you to have so many friends you don’t know what to do with all of them. And to do that, we have to be a little braver and step up and step into our lives and do what we have to do to create those friendships and those spaces.

Angela (28:58.508)

I hope you’re having a fantastic day, and I will see you next week.

Why do recovery communities tell you not to date or make major life changes during your first year sober?

Because getting sober isn't just about learning how to live without alcohol. It's about learning how to handle your feelings without it.

And when you're newly sober, those feelings can be ALL OVER THE PLACE.

You're dealing with boredom, loneliness, insecurity, and a whole lot of emotions you may not even know how to identify yet. Then someone comes along, and suddenly life feels exciting again!

But dating brings its own emotional roller coaster. Rejection, jealousy, uncertainty, disappointment, and heartbreak can be overwhelming when you're still learning how to manage everyday life without drinking.

In this episode, we're talking about why dating in early sobriety can be especially challenging, why major life changes can threaten your stability, and how giving yourself time to build confidence and coping skills can make all the difference.

Because the goal isn't to avoid big feelings. It's to learn how to handle them without alcohol.

About to give up, reach for a drink, or follow the same old pattern? Angela shares how a split-second choice can change your direction—and why the victory starts before you know the outcome.