“Unproblematic King Michael Jackson” (Sweet Valley High #81, Rosa’s Lie)
This week, we have some nuanced discussion of ethno-racial identity and some even more nuanced discussion of ejaculate-guzzling (and that’s just linguistics).Chicana student Rose (nee Rosa) wants to join the PBA sorority to prove that she can fit in with the other thin, rich, beautiful girls in Sweet Valley. Rosa is white-passing and believes she has to hide aspects of her Mexican identity and heritage in order to be accepted. But how will she navigate her “friends'’’ racism, her grandmother’s surprise visit, and (we all saw it coming) a baby trapped in a well who only speaks Spanish? Join us as we explore meaningful cakes, take on colorblind racism, and belabor each moment of a joke Robert’s terrible ex-boyfriend made 20 years ago in “Unproblematic King Michael Jackson” (Sweet Valley High #81, Rosa’s Lie).
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1:22:39
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1:22:39
“Who They? What Both? Girl?” (Sweet Valley High #80, The Girl They Both Loved)
Note: We had some audio issues this week which will be fixed in the next episode. Thank you for your patience! This week, we have a book that is ostensibly about a romantic rivalry between two boys (“they”) over the affections of a girl, but is actually about a homoerotic relationship between two boys who really, really, love their dirt bikes. Outside of Sweet Valley, there’s a new character storming onto the scene: Pardo’s new Owala water bottle, whose colorway provides a narrative with twists, turns, and shocks. Join us for a discussion of headless influencers, the definition of modern (just kidding), and the importance of dirt bike safety, in “Who They? What Both? Girl?” (Sweet Valley High #80, The Girl They Both Loved).
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1:25:25
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1:25:25
“Fuck, Marry, Kill: Chicken Salad Temperatures” (Sweet Valley High #79, The Long-Lost Brother)
*Note: Due to circumstances that are definitely nobody’s fault, the audio is a little messed up for this episode. Don’t worry, we fix it soon (the episode after next). This week, there’s a new girl in town, and she has a brother (who is neither long nor lost)! But her story is so uncompelling that Robert and Pardo spend most of the episode distinguishing between Brandies (Glanville and Melville), debunking vocabulary hoaxes, and playing pool games. Listen till the end for a special addendum that mostly focuses on aching breasts and perimenopause! Join us for “Fuck, Marry, Kill: Chicken Salad Temperatures” (Sweet Valley High #79, The Long-Lost Brother).
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1:20:57
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1:20:57
“A Run-of-the-Mill Humiliation Ritual”(Sweet Valley High #78, The Dating Game)
This week, (previously former second-string) quarterback Scott Trost can’t get a date, so he does what any sixteen year-old boy would do: writes identical love letters to two girls he doesn’t know and then gets them to compete in a Bachelor-style contest for his attention. Robert and Pardo get into a heated debate about the book’s perspective and the culture at large, made more fraught by the frankly unhealthy amount of Love Island Pardo has been watching. Join us for an in-depth discussion of toxic masculinity, along with equally important topics like Robert’s handsomeness and the dangers of prescriptive grammar, in “A Run-of-the-Mill Humiliation Ritual”(Sweet Valley High #78, The Dating Game).
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1:29:45
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1:29:45
“Teens and Anabolic Steroid Use” (Sweet Valley High #77, Cheating to Win)
This week, a doping scandal hits Sweet Valley when a character we don’t care about starts taking “magic vitamins” to help his track performance. As Tony becomes roidier and roidier, Robert and Pardo get into a Talmudic debate regarding whether he actually fits the legal requirements to be guilty of the crime. Join us as we discuss basil clapping, task management software, and what happens when you have mens rea at the same time as menarche, in “Teens and Anabolic Steroid Use” (Sweet Valley High #77, Cheating to Win).
Sweet Valley Hive is the hottest new book club to hit the school! Join us (Robert Marx, newbie and Rebecca Pardo, superfan) as we neurotically parse the text, subtext, and outfits of Sweet Valley High, the beloved soapy series of the 80s. From school dances to amnesia to hysterical paralysis, we’ll cover the trials and tribulations of America’s most troubled and triumphant twins.
South Africa