“Quick Ask Zoe” (Sweet Valley High #76, Miss Teen Sweet Valley)
This week, it’s sister vs. sister ( 🎵ow OW OW!! 🎶) when the Miss Teen Sweet Valley pageant comes to town. Jess has entered the pageant and is working her little tuchus off with dance teacher Mr. Krazinsky—who is, sorry, absolutely serving shtetl vibes. Meanwhile, Liz is staging a feminist protest to preserve a little thing called the dignity of Sweet Valley womanhood. Meanwhile, Robert and Pardo learn some valuable lessons: how hard it is to answer pageant questions, why you must always finish the dance, and that it’s not about whether you win or lose—it’s about how big your tits are! Join us as we discuss touch typing, choice feminism, and frog-jumping in “Quick Ask Zoe” (Sweet Valley High #76, Miss Teen Sweet Valley).
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“He Wore a Rainbow Bracelet” (Sweet Valley High #75, Amy’s True Love)
GAY! GAY? GAY. G-G-GAAAAAAYYYYY! 🎶 We’ve got our first named gay character/ We’ve got the most important book of our lives/ Did I cry this morning/ Absolutely I did!/ I cried reading about gay teenagers! 🎶 This week, the arrival of a handsome stranger from SAN FRANCISCO (no homo…er, yes homo) sends shockwaves through both Sweet Valley and our world. Along the way we touch on Tim Horton’s sexuality, Robert’s coming out story, and why being a homosexual teenager involves so many pamphlets—and tennis rackets!—in “He Wore a Rainbow Bracelet” (Sweet Valley High #75, Amy’s True Love).
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“A Dangerous Diet…” (Sweet Valley High #74, The Perfect Girl)
*Content warning: eating disorders*Well, apparently President Bill Clinton has recently put out a PSA about eating disorders, so we have another book about the importance of getting skinny, this time with an important clarification: don’t get too skinny! You could faint or something!In the B-plot, the cheerleaders are once again tasked with the inequitable burden of athletics department fundraising. When they come up with the ingenious idea of a “Gourmet Gorge Yourself Gala,” everyone has one question on their mind: will weakened Robin Wilson have the strength to open the cans (??) of chocolate syrup?Along the way, we revisit historic moments from some iconic leading ladies: Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard, Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City, and Rebecca Pardo in Woman vs. Haribos. Join us for “A Dangerous Diet…” (Sweet Valley High #74, The Perfect Girl).
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“Guess What’s Got Me This Smiling?” (Sweet Valley High #73, Regina’s Legacy)
It’s a party this week as Robert and Pardo are physically co-present for only the second time in hive history! To celebrate, we experiment with the form, playing a deceptively straightforward drinking game that descends into chaos almost immediately. In Sweet Valley, a new addictive drug has hit the streets: photography. When Liz inherits her beloved dead friend Regina’s camera, she almost immediately stumbles upon evidence that implicates her in an international drug ring. Is there something mystical at work here? Is Regina leading Liz on this quest from beyond the grave? Will Robert get any pasta salad? Find out in “Guess What’s Got Me This Smiling?” (Sweet Valley High #73, Regina’s Legacy).
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“Is She His Girlfriend or Is She His Daughter?” (Sweet Valley High #72, Rock Star’s Girl)
This week, there’s a new girl in town and she’s shrouded in mystery: is she the live-in girlfriend of a man old enough to be her father, or is she the live-in daughter of a man old enough to be her father? Oh, and not for nothing: the man is a ROCK STAR!Join us for a discussion of marimbas, angel hair pasta in the 90s, and—despite Robert’s adamant protestations—shrinkage, in “Is She His Girlfriend or Is She His Daughter?” (Sweet Valley High #72, Rock Star’s Girl).
Sweet Valley Hive is the hottest new book club to hit the school! Join us (Robert Marx, newbie and Rebecca Pardo, superfan) as we neurotically parse the text, subtext, and outfits of Sweet Valley High, the beloved soapy series of the 80s. From school dances to amnesia to hysterical paralysis, we’ll cover the trials and tribulations of America’s most troubled and triumphant twins.
South Africa