Simple on Purpose | Intentional Living and Parenting

Dearest listeners, today is the finale episode where I share with you my experience of the podcast, answer your questions and sum up the takeaways I hope you have had from listening to the podcast. Episode topics and related links the start of the blog My C-Section & The Feelings I Was Ashamed to Admit my two main goals with the podcast how the podcast has changed me How To Find Your Enneagram Type (and how it has changed my life) Enneagram 101 (what is it and what are the nine types) anchor words (Bless It and Release It came from Stef Gass) Making life adjustments looking at decisions through the lens of our resources You Can Simplify Your Life Series our relationship with time Don’t wait for the Golden Years (seeing gold in the every day) growing through turning off the autopilot and taking an opposite action 175. What will your future be? More of the same? Or will you turn off the autopilot? 79. Six signs you are living your life on autopilot (and what to do about it) listening to your life Listening To Your Life Show Up For Your Life [series] What I hope listeners take away from the podcast (my wishes for you) It is ok to feel your feelings all episodes on feelings are in this playlist if you can’t access that playlist, start here with 156. 3 things to know about feeling negative emotions everything is hard AND awesome 162. Think the best of me, or not. Allowing the hard and awesome in ourselves and in our lives. 207. Our judgements and assumptions of others (fundamental attribution bias and how it impacts our relationships) 201. Overcoming negative self-talk and to moving towards positive self-talk you are not alone 145. You aren’t alone mama, I go through that too 76. Why it matters what you think (limiting mindsets in motherhood) address conflict, rather than avoid it 139. Are you TOO comfortable? And what is it costing you? take care of yourself The Meeting Your Needs Series own your life I was a Mom Martyr, here’s how to tell if you are too and what to do about it Build a life based on your own definition of success, not everyone else’s definition small things matter 78. Small things that can change your whole life (the compound effect) enjoy your life When Did I Stop Enjoying My Kids? (and my journey back to enjoying them) 203. Being a mom who enjoys her life Enjoying the simple pleasures (why it is hard and how to do it) 163. Have fun with your kids, on purpose + reasons we don’t have fun Ways to stay connected Sign up for the Simple Saturdays email Save the Spotify playlists, grouped by theme Email or DM me the topic you are looking for, I’m sure there is an episode on it and I will send it your way Of course, 1:1 coaching and counselling is available Listener Faves This a list of episodes that listeners sent to me, as being their fave episode of the Simple on Purpose podcast The ‘mom martyr’ episode 67. Making motherhood harder than it needs to be (Mom Martyr) The most common search term, of late When Did I Stop Enjoying My Kids? (and my journey back to enjoying them) Mindset for new moms 74. Show up for momlife with these empowering mindsets 73. How to deal with the emotional struggles of being a mom of babies and toddlers Letting go of our ego 162. Think the best of me, or not. Allowing the hard and awesome in ourselves and in our lives. Building a sense of capability vs a sense of control 115. A Controlling mom, or a capable mom? Hearing from moms of each enneagram type The Enneagram + Motherhood Series Various conversations around self-care The Meeting Your Needs Series Living on autopilot 139. Are you TOO comfortable? And what is it costing you? Framing your experience of motherhood 53. Change your motherhood experience by changing how you make memories Full transcript (unedited) 0:07 Hey, it’s Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend and counselor from simple on purpose.ca Welcome to the finale episode of Simple on purpose. Yes, I am retiring. But the podcast episodes, they’re all gonna stay here for you to use the archives. And all the different topics we’ve covered over the years are gonna stay here. But this is our retirement party episode, I want to sprinkle in some input from you listeners that you’ve sent in. I want to toast to what I’ve learned during the podcast, and I want to make some retirement wishes to send along with you. Yep, it’s the retirement speech you didn’t ask for but you’re gonna get it. And we’re going to start of course, with some twinkling flashback music, to where it all began. You’ve heard me share this, maybe I started blogging in 2011. After my first child was born by emergency C section, it was a difficult delivery was a difficult experience. And I felt like nobody really got what I went through because my circle of moms didn’t have that experience. I was feeling really overwhelmed with these emotions and what to do with them and who to talk to. And my postnatal nurse recommended I write about it. And that was dovetail blog dovetail blog was born from that place. It was a place I shared about motherhood on the regular. And then it shifted into the simple on purpose blog. In 2016, I made a new change and I had at home a two year old a four year old five year old and after consistent blogging for many years, I decided I needed to take it off my plate for a bit. And I was just going to send out a regular newsletter a bi weekly email called simple Saturdays. That was the birth of simple Saturdays that’s still happening that bi weekly email and I just love that place. Also, during this time, I had been listening to podcasts, some of those oh geez like the happy hour with Jamie Ivey cat Lee’s podcast, she had one about motherhood. And what about blogging? Jeff Goins was another voice that I was listening to a lot. These days, there’s, I don’t know, 1000s Millions. I don’t know how many podcasts there are. But those were some OG ones. And I was just soaking them up. I was loving them. I could just listen to them on the go and get that motivation, inspiration, interesting stories, interesting people. And I really fell in love with podcasts as a way to communicate and create a community. So in 2018, I started making an audio version of the simple Saturday’s email. If you go back to those first episodes of The Simple on purpose podcast, that’s what they are. They’re kind of recaps of the simple Saturday’s email, I realized that there were people like me who preferred to just listen on the go. And I really wanted to keep spreading the simple on purpose community. Quickly, I found that I had a chance to say things and I wanted to do more than just recap the simple letters email. So it turned into episodes about a single topic from there. That was six years ago. As the podcast has grown over the years, you listeners have helped it rank over the years in the past, in the top 20 for parenting podcast with Apple, Canada, and in the top seven need for self improvement podcasts with Apple, Canada. That felt like a huge win. One of my leading goals with the podcast was first and foremost that episodes be tight, a tight 2020 minutes or less. Because in my opinion, which is very biased unless you’re doing an entertainment podcast, and people are coming to you for entertainment. Unless you’re interviewing someone. Or maybe you’re human and you have just like four hours of research you want to share though I think it’s still way too long. I think it’s unnecessary to have such long episodes. I feel like 20 minutes is important. It forces me the podcaster and you the listener to come into this really efficient and focused time. I don’t want fluff. I don’t want chatter, usually unless you’re here to entertain me. So I just assumed other Altair would want the same. And I’ve heard that from many of your moms that you appreciate a quick episode. You’re listening to me on your drives on your walks while folding the neverending laundry while making dinner. To prepare for this episode, I emailed you guys I put it on Instagram, and I asked for your favorite episodes or questions that you had for me about the podcast. And first of all, thank you for all of your messages back. You guys have given me some really kind and supportive and sweet words. And I’ve been reading them all I might not email back just yet, but I’m reading them. And I want to thank you all for that I have shared on the podcast and I think this is something that anyone is a listener or a consumer of content on the other end. I think it’s helpful to understand that for someone who’s putting something out there it can feel really one sided sometimes to put out my stories and thoughts and ideas out into the interwebs it’s kind of like tossing a rock down a well and waiting for the plunk. You want to hear the plunk You want to know, the rock has reached the water, the plunk tells you it’s been received. So hearing back, hearing back from you has been the feedback that kept me feeling like I was on the right track, and I’m doing something of value for you. So I hope you feel my adoration of you listeners who have made this feel like a conversation. And let me know that I was helping you live more simple and more on purpose, which, of course, was my other goal in all of this, and I would anchor this idea with the word that I would say to myself over the years, and that word was freedom. It has been my mission to bring women freedom, it has been it still is it will be freedom from being overwhelmed by your motions, freedom from the autopilot, living freedom from the all or nothing thinking and the belief that you don’t actually have a choice, freedom from all of the checklists on who you should be and how your life should look and how your kids should act and what your husband to do. Freedom from all the clutter in your space in your brain and your life and freedom from all of these things so that you get to make choices you choose. You set your vision you decide your values. I had a question, how has this podcast changed me, a couple of things come to my mind. One, the biggest one is given me a voice literally and metaphorically, which as an Enneagram. Nine, that’s been a challenge for me to cultivate and really embrace over the years. For so many years, I just believe that I don’t have a voice or my voice doesn’t matter. And now I created a platform for myself where I was putting my voice out there, it was so awkward. And it was a place I was fully in control of. So when you have a voice and you’re finally in control of it, you start being a lot more mindful of what you want to say sometimes to mindful, overthinking. But it has made me think so much more about what I want to say how am I living? What am I noticing, it encouraged me to research and deep dive into topics and to kind of unearth these things that I want to bring to you guys. And it’s made me more accountable into living simple and on purpose. Not that I did or do it perfectly. I hope you get that from me. I am not here to be anyone’s aspiration. I am not here to be a spokesperson or an exemplar. I am here to have the conversations. I’m here to talk about ideas. I’m here to remind you that you get to choose, you should not be a cookie cutter of anyone else. You need to listen to yourself and your life and decide what you will pursue. Another way this podcast has changed me is it’s made me resilient. There were seasons of the podcasts where I didn’t get feedback, no plunk when they dropped the rock. There were seasons where someone would say something unkind. There were seasons where I would lose an editor and I had to do that part for a while there were seasons where I felt overwhelmed. Or I wasn’t sure what I should be talking about, or I doubt it every single word coming out of my mouth. And I’m not sure if you ever put these things together. But I’ve never monetized the podcast these days, right now you might be hearing an ad or two. But that sense, and I have not done any monetizing of the podcast all these years. Not that I am noble, costs money after all, but just that it always felt like something I would figure out later, later, really never game turns out. But through all of this sense of doubt, and defeat and confusion, there was something in me that just wouldn’t quit, I grew a lot of resilience in myself. And I had to root myself, ultimately, I have to root that in something. And I rooted it in the belief that this was the right thing to do. I was really carried along from one doubt to the next, by your notes, by your ratings and reviews by your messages when you’re doing things that you could just quit and you’re kind of like why am I here, it’s really important to root yourself in purpose and hope and intention, and something you’re passionate about. So my anchor thought would be just bless it and release it put this out into the world and choose to believe that maybe this episode isn’t for everyone, not everyone’s gonna get something for it, but it is for that one person who needed it. 9:15 I’m sure just listening to this, you can imagine that this is a hard thing to leave. And also it’s not. It’s weird, because I’ve known for a long time that I would be leaving the podcast, I felt like God was just slowly whispering into my ear to prepare me slowly so that when the time came, I could just make that choice clean and assured that the time was right. And the reasons that prompted me to retire the podcast are simply time and energy. If you listen to me in the past, I would call these two of our resources, our resources, what we have available to us to budget and allocate in our own lives. Time, money, energy, what whether that’s physical or emotional in our physical space. These are all things we have an unlimited supply each day. Sure we can make make some big moves, we can change the amount of money and energy and space we have. But time is always a concrete limit on us. There’s only so much time. And I don’t know what you feel when you say the word time, but I’m at a place in my life where time is a word that rings in my bones when I say it, time has become something so precious to me. So bitter sweet. It has tangles in thorns, but it’s also blooming and beautiful. This relationship I have with time, no doubt is formed from seeing my mom losing herself to dementia. There is time I cannot regain. There are conversations I can never have. And I’ve shared this before on the simple senators email on the blog, watching my parents experience of time seeing how people could set up their whole life to just get through to the next stage or to the golden years almost living on autopilot until life can be enjoyed and then that just crumbles in your hands. It’s made me so hyper aware how precious time is. Oh, did you know you’re getting the extended version? My decision to retire the podcasts? Yeah, these are the deep thoughts that are really informing these decisions for me. Ultimately, my time and energy had to be reassessed because I have had an opportunity to work more in a healthy communities job, which meant less time for one to one clients, which means something has to be taken off of my plate. So rather than than fighting my life to make it all work, I knew now is the time to drop the podcast. And it’s been tough. I value this place in these conversations so much. But it’s a decision that’s really bringing me some peace and some breathing space. I’ve noticed, I shared in a similar set simple Saturdays email this month that I found myself just taking time to think like, what do I feel like doing right now. And I could go for an afternoon walk. Instead of drafting up episode notes. I could go downstairs and play the piano or prepare some lunch for myself. Instead of drafting an episode, I could sit on the deck with my husband for the afternoon instead of recording and editing a podcast episode. This weekend, I also found myself solo parenting. And I spent an afternoon on the deck helping my almost 1210 year old cut and drill wood to make a chair that he dreamed up in his head. And I was noticing, I didn’t feel any urgency or mental chatter. I didn’t find myself reaching for my phone I didn’t like evaluate in my head, when am I gonna go get work done on the next episode, I was just there with him. This is what I wanted to just be there. Because deep down, I’m driven by this knowledge that we don’t know how long we have one another. We need to balance our goals and productivity, with our intention and our presence. Being able to just be there, it felt reassuring that I have peace in this decision. Not just relief, which is temporary but peace, right? There’s a difference. And who knows, maybe my retirement will be like Garth Brooks, and I’ll come back a few times over the next decade. Who knows? Who knows. But what I’m trying to really reflect here is that life is seasons, you can always change your mind. And you can always decide to commit through the hard seasons through the doubt builder options. And in working with many women over many years, I would encourage you that depending on your natural instincts, we often do the most growing when we do the opposite of our instincts of our autopilot for me, it would have been easy drop the hard thing and change my mind when it got tough. I knew I had to see it through and only leave when I felt like I had really taught myself that resilience and commitment. For others who never quit even when they should. You might need the reminder to stop fighting your life to make something happen just because you said you would. You might need the reminder, you can always change your mind. And if you can give yourself compassion and acceptance you don’t need it for anyone else from anyone else. Listen to your life. Listen to what it needs this season. Throughout this episode, I’ve just been answering some of the questions that were sent in to me through what I’ve been sharing. But I want to address one really specifically, it’s a really great question a listener wants to hear a sum of things that I would like the listeners to take with them. I’m going to call them my wishes for you. And I want to answer that first by sharing a note that was sent in to me from a listener and part of what she said was this. You have taught me that it’s okay to feel my feelings. And something can be hard and good at the same time. You also gave me the much needed perspective that I wasn’t alone who like if I retired knowing that I was able to offer this to one mom. I will retire pretty darn satisfied that my goals with this podcast have been completed. But I also want to point out you can listen to advice and ideas all day long. What you do is it is up to you. I can’t take credit it for you being open and humble and self reflecting and doing no work of applying any concepts or changes to your life. So, pat yourself on the back. I am going to make that quick summary list of things that I hope listeners are taking away. And as mentioned, in that note, I just shared feelings. Feelings have a purpose, feelings are for feeling. And there’s a lot of wisdom in our emotions if we can learn how to pay attention to them and use them in very healthy and useful ways. Hard and awesome. It’s a saying in our house, saying I give to clients, everything is hard and awesome. The day the season your home, your people, you you are hurting, awesome. And you aren’t alone. Part of realizing this is letting go of extremes. I really hate the notion that there are two camps of mums. One we feel like are the beautiful robots running the PTA. And their kids are always listening. They probably wash their hair every day. And the other ones who forgot it was wear green day at school. So they wrap their kids some Christmas paper shoving out the door. They’re living off toast and coffee and maybe wearing the four year old maternity bra and sweatpants that just feel so uncomfortable. Like I don’t think we are one of these extremes. I really think because it’s in my experience too. We’re in the middle, we’re moving between these two, we don’t have to be a hot mess. And we don’t have to be superhumans. We can be both in different ways. And at different times. I do have an episode on this. But what I want you to let go of here is that idea of extremes. I’m this or I’m that it’s us versus them her versus me. And then we find common ground. We’re just women. We’re moms, we kind of all want the same things. We just want to love our kids well, and maybe a nap. And then if I were to add a few more of my wishes for those who listen to the podcast here is what I hope you have been encouraged to do over the years. One address conflict rather than avoid it. taking the easy way out often leads down a harder road. To take care of yourself like real care. This is no one’s job but yours and I don’t mean self comfort but self care. Three, own your life. Don’t be a martyr. Empower yourself. Give yourself capability and hope and strength and own it. For we enforce small things matter. Do a small thing today that’s in line with who you want to be these build up over time. And the last one my favorite. Enjoy, enjoy your life. Enjoy your people. Enjoy your own company. Enjoy the way the sun shines through the trees. Enjoy the hum of the dryer at night. Enjoy stupid TV shows. Enjoy fresh sheets and your favorite soap. Enjoy a kitchen dance party. Enjoy saying goodnight to your kids enjoy the simple things. One of the most common ways that people find simple on purpose is through searching some kind of topic related to I stopped enjoying my kids, I don’t enjoy my kids. If you search this to find me, you aren’t alone. There’s a reason I wrote it, there’s a reason I shared it. My end goal with all of this is that you can remove all the distractions, the clutter, that you will find tools and strategies and empowerment to make the time and energy and space and money and intention to actually enjoy your life and the people you choose to have in it. With all of that, I’m gonna go enjoy my day, you’re going to Well, I’m going to edit this and post the show notes. Then I’m gonna go sit in the Sunbeam for a bit the kids are going to be done school this week. I know an empty house will not be available to me for a few months. So I’m gonna go do that and I hope you go do something you enjoy to. To wrap up, stop by the show notes. I’m going to try and pack them with all the related links, the list of listeners favorite episodes. And you can always read the transcripts or at the bottom of every episode if you’d like to read these things. And then in another thank you because I wanted this to be a celebration of us. Thank you for being part of this community. 19:11 Thank you for your messages whether you hit reply on simple Saturdays or you found me on Instagram. Thank you for sharing the podcast to your Instagram stories. Thank you for sharing it with your friends. Thank you for any rating and review you ever left on your podcast player and you can still leave on if you want. I love to see them. Thank you for any posting you did in the Facebook group or the recent but short lived Patreon and just thank you for subscribing. Thank you for being a listener. To stay connected. Make sure you subscribe to the simple Saturday’s email is still coming out twice a month. And you know since I’ve kind of been on a hiatus with Instagram, you’re gonna find me overcompensating for the lack of podcasting and lack of Instagram and probably just generally oversharing that email some ideas for you if you want to make use of the 200 Plus episode archive. There’s a few things you can do. One is, check out the podcast playlists, save those playlists on your Spotify. These are all themed by different topics like habit change mom on purpose, minimalism, emotional intelligence, and email me or DM me on Instagram. If you’re looking for a topic. I’m sure there’s an episode on that. Just email me and I’ll send it your way. And check out in the show notes. Check out the fav episodes list. I’m going to list out some of those listeners favorite episodes that they shouldn’t send it to me in the show notes. Kind of like a best of according to the listeners. Alright friends, it’s been a pleasure. Thank you for letting me share my voice with you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for coming alongside this journey with warmth and love. Take care of yourself. Enjoy the awesome. Learn from the hard and have a great week. Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Years ago I learned a simple tool that has improved all my relationships. This tool is about looking for the cues that others are giving us – and using those times to connect. They are called Bids For Connection, a Gottman term. I will outline what bids are, ways to respond, and how to simplify the process. Before we jump in, 👉🏼 remember to stay connected through the Simple Saturdays email, 📧 you can sign up here. Key points and related links What bids for connection are Our marriage was struggling, here are 12 things that helped us heal and strengthen it When They Tell Me I’m Lucky to Have Him Why it’s worth paying attention to love languages and expectations in marriage Noticing different types of bids for connection in your partner, kids and friends Gottman’s list of type of bids Three responses to bids for connection (turning towards, away, against) Gottman research on bids and relationship success Applying bids for connection to parenting Recognizing your own bids for connection, and unmet needs Benefits of responding to bids for connection with empathy 85. When empathy is hard in marriage and friendships 84. How parenting with empathy can transform your relationship 207. Our judgements and assumptions of others (fundamental attribution bias and how it impacts our relationships) Starting simple by noticing and responding to bids for connection Using bids to connect through presence, not just problem-solving 16. When did I stop enjoying my kids? Knowing your vision and values. The best waffles ever. 203. Being a mom who enjoys her life Full transcript (unedited) 0:00 Hey friends, it’s Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend and counselor from simpler purpose.ca. Welcome to this and on purpose podcast or right away. Announcement, I mentioned probably in the emails, at least maybe on the podcast, I can’t remember that I will be wrapping up the podcast for the summer. And at this point, what I am deciding to do is actually retire the podcast, at least for the time being, I just shared this in the Patreon as well, because I’ll be shutting that down. The main reason is that I am taking on a new job and going to be working more hours there. So it’s a matter of me just juggling the hours that I do work because I do mainly kind of work school time hours. So I need to be very discerning on the work I choose to do. And I wanted to really choose the work that I really love the most. And for me, that’s a one to one clients. So I’m going to unpack this a lot more, I’m going to have a retirement party episode coming up, I’m going to ask for your input your feedback. So watch out for an email on that coming soon. If you are part of the simple Saturday’s email, you will get that, if not, I recommend signing up for that I will be continuing this simple Saturday’s email, I’ll put a link in the show notes on that. So in light of that, I want to get to the topic. And I’m actually really excited that this is one of the final topics that I’m sharing on the podcast, because to me, it is such a great tool. And it’s such a great practice to bring into our relationships. And I’ve been talking a lot about relationships in the Patreon this month in here on the podcast. And this is a tool that is from the goblins. If you’ve heard of the goblins, they are a couple of psychologists and researchers. They are a couple. And they are all so these things and they use study relationships mainly love relationships. And their training for therapists is so good. I’ve taken it. I’ve loved it. There’s so many practical tools and simple concepts. And this is one of them. It is called bids for connection bids for connection and I might just call them bids. While I’m talking about this. The first time I heard about bids for connection was at a time when we were at a really challenging time in our marriage. We had a lot of walls up a lot of resentment a lot of scorekeeping, a lot of fear a lot of pride. I’ve shared a bit on this on the on the blog, so I’ll make sure to link that in the show notes. But I was probably looking at things on connection or how to improve our communication or something noble, like how to get my husband to validate me more, I came across this article and explained what bids for connection are and how they can be a really basic way to improve your relationship and I text it to my husband. And at this time he was really used to being peppered with my hashtag advice. But this is something he actually read and reply to he said something like that was good. I agree. And for me at that time, it felt really pivotal because I had sent him lots of things in the past always didn’t get an answer. So this felt to me kind of like answered prayers level to have that response from him. A bit for connection is any attempt you make at engaging with another person. This can be verbal attempts, direct questions, or comments or even comments that aren’t necessarily directed at you. Like someone sitting beside you on the couch and muttering Oh, there’s never anything good on TV. They can be nonverbal attempts, facial expressions, body language, physical closeness. So they can be as simple as your kid saying, I hurt my finger, or your partner saying I read an interesting article today. Are your kids sitting down and just like big sigh your kids saying watch this, your partner saying something about the game last night, even if you don’t even know what the game was or who’s playing what these days. The purpose of the bed is to interact with you and ultimately connect with you. A bit might be saying play with me. Join me, help me, see me laugh with me, support me. problem solve with me. Enjoy me there’s different purposes that a bit can have the Kaufman’s have a little bit of a list, I’ll make sure to link that in the show notes. Bits of connection are important. First of all, we can just see right off the bat that they make someone feel seen and supported. And this is really a basis for safety in a relationship. In Gottman terms, they are important because they’re considered an experience of positive effect. And they use this metaphor of adding to the emotional bank have a relationship that our emotional bank needs more positive than negative experiences. And if we can fill our emotional bank proactively with positive experiences, then when we’re in a state of conflict, or something negative occurs, we aren’t going to run a deficit in that and obviously something to think about it’s easier to build up positive experiences when we are not in conflict. This is more something they studied more in love relationships but in My experience is that it applies to all relationships that we actually care about. I definitely see it in talking with my own family and my own kids. So we have someone offering a bid for connection. And there’s three responses we could have. One is turning towards so we’re engaging positively, we’re acknowledging the bid. Someone says something about nothing being on TV, and you might respond. I know, right? Like, I feel that way too, that I never find something I want to watch. Or your kids saying, I feel like an idiot today. And you might respond with like, Oh, that’s so tough. What’s happening. When we turn towards we’re telling the person they matter, even if the topic feels so mundane. We’re saying it’s important to me because you’re important to me. I even think of how we physically turn towards each other. So often, we don’t even look up and make eye contact, which is so crucial. So turn to words, turn your eyes toward someone turn your body towards someone. The Gottman approach their research by looking at what makes the difference between couples who stay together and couples who separate what, what equates to failure and what equates to success. And when it comes to bids for connection, couples that stay married, tune to one another 86% of the time. It’s like an A right? It’s not 100%, that’s for sure. But those in the studies who separated they turn towards each other only 33% of the time, because here’s the other two options, turning away or turning against. So turning away, it’s ignoring it’s not noticing and not responding, or responding in ways that actually say I’m not listening, which could be changing the subject. When we turn away, we’re sending the signal that their subject is not important, we’re not present with them, or their subject that they’re talking about. It’s just not worth our reaction, we might just change the subject altogether. So naturally, what a person takes away from that is, this isn’t important to you. I’m not important to you. turning against means we’re responding dismissively, negatively, we might have irritation, we might snap, we might give them a look, glare at them, blame them point out how we were right about something how they were wrong, we might criticize, we might condemn, I think of the example of a wife coming home and a husband or swap partners, whatever. One partner saying we did that garden in the back and the other partner says Why would you waste your time doing that that is turning against that is eroding that connection. I want to mention a couple of things here. The first is our responses don’t have to be over the top. That training video for the Gottman training, it was really interesting because it was a normal couple and they kind of put them in this lab that feels like a home. So if we’re supposed to imagine them being at home, and one of them is staring out the window and the other one’s just right in the other room. It’s all open watching TV. And the person looking out the window is saying something about what they see out there like oh, the clouds are rolling in something about the garden back home. And it’s actually the man staring at the TV and he made some comment back like, oh, rain will be good. And it wasn’t dismissive. It was just simply responsive. And she came and she sat on the couch beside him. And he said something similar about what was on TV, and she just made a gentle comment back. They didn’t need over the top responses. And now we have to unpack it and get like questions and I have to be in your business, they were just present with one another. Sometimes turn towards does require us to tap into empathy, or curiosity. And I think a key here that I hear is that we stay in a place of non judgment, where we’re just open and present and where we want to listen to this person. And we’re not using this as an opportunity to put on judgment or criticism. 8:44 And then when it comes to kids, I want to preface this that we’re not ever looking for 100% As parents, especially when your kids are younger, they might be doing things you don’t necessarily want to encourage, we might need other tactics like redirection or setting boundaries. And I think of the research around the term good enough parent. And what that research tells us is that we cannot and should not be 100% emotionally attuned to our kids every time not only because they need to start to learn these skills on their own, we need a gradual weaning from being their emotional attunement and responding to all of their needs. But because it’s also an unrealistic expectation of a parent, mother or father, at the end of the day, they need us most of the time to feel like they are securely attached to us. Either way, I think it’s important to just simply do the work of noticing our kids behavior and their language being a bit for connection like all their jumping onto my lap, they might want to have fun with me, they might want my attention or they’re putting my their head on my shoulder while we’re sitting beside each other. I remember one of my kids being about six years old and they put their head on my shoulder and I was just like soaking it all in and a bit of time goes by and and they get up and then They say you might, you must not want me there because you didn’t put your head back on mine was so glad. They told me because I was having a moment like I was in it. But they were looking for a more clear response. So that was them needing me to actually turn into them and turn towards them. As our kids get older, they’re still bids for connection. They’re telling you, their teacher sucks, they probably feel like they need some support with that, your kid asks you to bake with them. And I hate baking, it makes such a mess. But I know that they want to do something fun, and they want you to be around for it. They tell you have a band concert of a basketball game or a practice next week, that’s a bid. They want you to show interest, they might not even want you to be there. If you’re doing something in another room, like you’re working, or you’re watching TV, and they just come in, and they’re just there. And they can come in under the guise of a lot of different things are being silly or whatever. But they are there because they likely want to connect with you. A real common one is if kids these days showing you a funny video, or teaching you about their slang or a song that they heard, they want to connect with you they’re overall my goal in sharing this topic with you is that so you can notice this notices in yourself and notices in others, we can notice our own bids, because we still have needs to write we are putting out bids for connection, we might even learn that we could try some different strategies to relay our bids, especially if our partner doesn’t know what bids are, they might miss the cues, that maybe we’re looking for some chitchat, maybe we want some support, maybe we want to play a game, maybe we want to hug. And of course, remember, in relationships, especially love relationships, we have conditioned one another on what to expect from our past actions towards each other of turning away, towards or against. So there might be some repairs that need to be made there we have not turned towards often enough, we have not supported emotional safety and taught the other that they can come to us that might be something we need to repair. A big thing I take away from the concept of bids for connection and in looking at it as a practice in how I show up in relationship is that it is about coming out of my own world and my own self, and out into what’s around me like looking up and seeing what’s around me. I’m coming out of my own inner world, this person is coming out of theirs. And we’re both finding this common place where we can be together be to gather presence. Finally, I hope this helps you just notice it in others because we all struggle to understand when we’re feeling alone or in need of validation or support or companionship. I bet even in explaining what bids for connection are you looked back on recent things and realized in yourself that you are offering a bid for connection, I bet you can look back on it as a child and see the things you were doing as a bid for connection. But we didn’t have this language or awareness that what we wanted was some fun or a hug or someone to help us we often don’t realize that. So I hope that this can give you a little bit more language and awareness around that. And ultimately hope you know, if you see this in others, you can remind yourself this person wants to connect with me. And the more we respond, the more bids for connection we respond to the more connected we’re going to feel, the more safe the relationship will feel. Even if we don’t solve problems, which I think we all need to step back from trying so hard to do. We do this so often where if someone else is uncomfortable emotionally, we just want to fix it. We just want them to feel comfortable again so that we can feel comfortable. I want you to be okay, so I can be okay. So bits for connection aren’t always for the purpose of emotionally solving someone’s problems. We can’t always fix it. But we can just be there. I can just be here with you. I might not be able to solve this. We can talk about ideas. But I’m here for you. And that must be so tough. Can I do anything? We need to ask permission to solve people’s problems before we just try to jump in there and change how they’re feeling and doing things putting our way onto them. Because that’s not what people always need. They just need to be seen and validated and supported. And ultimately I hope enjoyed really this is this is what’s changed things for me is it helps me to enjoy the people around me. When someone offers a bid for connection. I want to I want to respond most of the time, right? Like sometimes I’m busy enough to say wait, especially with the kids like I’ll be there in a minute just wait. But I want to show up for that bid for connection. They’re offering me something of themselves. And I want to ask a question or express empathy or anything statement I can make to just make that person feel heard. Unlike I’ve processed it, I didn’t go to my own world and my own self, I stayed with you there, which is a hard shift to make. Because we are so used to turning it back about us to making the conversation back about us. to it, we might think we’re connecting. But often the other person doesn’t actually feel like we’ve heard them or stayed with them there. We’ve come back into our own world. That’s why I call it a practice because it really is a practice of listening in staying and responding. I’ve probably made this meta and made it something you know, more bigger than what it is. But I think it’s because I’ve been trying to do this for so long. So start simple. Start simple guys. If your someone around you is offering you a bid for connection, keep it simple, a simple response, something warm, something non judgmental, a question is great. A follow up question is great if it’s coming from genuine curiosity. Empathy is always helpful. I’ve got some episodes on that wherever you can express any reflection of what they might be feeling if that feels appropriate. But just start simple and just start looking for ways to respond. And I hope that you experiencing experience, the connection that it can bring, and just the enjoyment you can start to have of another person in your life and ideally, you’re reciprocated. You’re getting that to, that’s what I would hope for you. Alright, the retirement party episode is coming in June. I’m just going to say everything I have to say about that for then, and I will wrap up with Have a great week. Transcribed by https://otter.ai

We all make assumptions and judgments of others – but did you know there is a bias we have in our judgements? This bias shows up in all of our relationships and it can create an opposition and divide in places we actually want empathy and compassion. In this episode we explore the Fundamental Attribution Bias, how it impacts our relationships and what to do about it. As mentioned in the episode, you can find the Spotify playlists here, and sign up for Simple Saturdays here. Key topics covered in this episode The purpose of relationships, how this has shifted over generations Relationships and wellbeing: The Havard Adult Development Study Making assumptions about others Filling in the blanks and mind-reading 199. Mindset traps to be aware of (cognitive distortions that might be holding you back in motherhood and life) Perception is a projection, how our judgements and assumptions can reflect our own struggles and opinions The Fundamental Attribution Bias How we judge the action of others vs how we judge: character or circumstance The me vs them mentality (or Us vs Them) Examples of it in marriage 62. My husband put the groceries away wrong, he doesn’t care about me (love languages and expectations in marriage) Awareness and empathy 84. How parenting with empathy can transform your relationship 85. When empathy is hard in marriage and friendships Accepting the hard parts of ourselves 162. Think the best of me, or not. Allowing the hard and awesome in ourselves and in our lives. Getting 1:1 coaching support Book a session with Shawna here FULL TRANSCRIPT (unedited) Hey guys, it’s Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend and counselor from simple on purpose.ca Welcome to the simple on purpose podcast. I want to give you a heads up right away this podcast will retire for the summer. So just a heads up. Our summer starts at the end of June. I encourage you in those months to use the archives, we have over five years of episodes on all of the topics. So if you want to be intentional about listening to them, I suggest you use the Spotify playlists and define those, you can go to simple on purpose.ca and click listen. You’ll find the links to the playlist we’ve got them on different topics like habit change mom on purpose, life on purpose, minimalism emotions, they’re all there for you check them out. And this summer also follow along with a simple Saturday’s email. If you aren’t a subscriber, I definitely encourage you to join that that is just a really like, warm and cozy place that I love to be with you guys. It comes out every two weeks, so it’s not gonna overwhelm your inbox. And I like to share some simple and purposes, purpose thoughts, some posts you might like. And that’s actually where you guys gave me this nickname, your nerdy girlfriend. So it’s a really great space to be. I’ll link that in the show notes as well. Let’s get into today’s episode this month, we’re talking about relationships. What is the purpose of a relationship? Is it to support your survival, emotional support, to entertain you to find love to find connection. This has definitely changed over the years of purpose of a relationship, especially if you look in the context of a marriage. It used to be about survival for a woman to be under the care of a man that was the world that was the culture unfortunately, it still is in some places. But even friends and communities, there was a need for support and survival, there was a need to do things together. So it is a more modern concept that our relationships are there to entertain us to make us feel loved to feel connected and seen and valued for the better and the worst, right, and that’s a whole other topic. But we all know that we are a social species. And maybe some of us feel that it is definitely true, that relationships are important to us to our to our well being. studies have concluded this that supportive relationships are actually the number one predictor of well being in your life, it’s not money, it’s not your health or your job or how trendy your clothes are. It is people deep relationships. This is from the longest running study on the topic called that Harvard adult development study. If you have some people in your life, and it doesn’t need to be a lot that you feel like you can rely on who you support, and they support you that is the highest predictor of feeling well being in your life. Kind of crazy. So we know deep within us that we need relationships for many reasons. However, we run into obstacles just to be in the daily life of relationships with others, I want to talk about a common way that we create opposition in our relationships. And that is our assumptions. We fill in the blanks a lot. We fill in the blanks on what others are thinking we do this more often than we should probably we mind read. Have you ever mind read what your husband was thinking and decided he’s probably mad at, you know, just me, we fill in the blanks on what others are thinking, often what they’re thinking about us, they think I’m overreacting, they don’t think I’m good enough. They think I don’t know what I’m talking about. They know why I’m mad, and they just don’t want to admit it. And a lot can be said for what we’re projecting of ourselves and our own insecurities into this blank space. We also make assumptions about why they’re doing what they’re doing, what are their motives. And this is where I want to talk about the fundamental attribution bias, which is about this bias that we have when we look at what other people are doing, and what our brain makes it mean about them. Now, I don’t think this about people that don’t want to give an example, if you see somebody who doesn’t take the grocery cart back and you are someone who takes the grocery cart back, what are you thinking? Are they are they lazy? So I live in a town where the carts are free, you might live in a world where you gotta get that coin back. And you might come to different conclusions. But this can go the other way, right? So imagine you’re someone who never takes the cart back. And you see that person across the parking lot who is taking the cart back? What pops up for you? They’re probably judging me. Oh, they think they’re so great. We do this really quietly in the back of our minds. We look at other people’s actions, and we make assumptions about the type of person that they are. We’ve heard so often actions speak louder than words but we forget that any action can have a lot of circumstances, thoughts. feelings experiences conditions that express that action that lead up to that action. And I’m not talking about obvious situations where someone is causing harm or acting unethically in a morally, I’m talking more of that day to day stuff in our relationships, the things we judge in those around us. Relate relationships are one of the most common topics in counseling, because we know we need relationships. So when our close relationships feel off, our sense of stability feels off. Relationships, our deepest work, we live in relation to others, others are a mirror for us, a mirror for our own defenses, our triggers, our measuring sticks, our struggles, the things we rejected ourselves, our self judgment, perception is a projection, our experience of, well, anything but our experience of another person depends on us. So imagine we’re reading a book or watching a movie or someone said something, really anything, we all develop different meanings about the things because we are different, and we’ve had different experiences that shape, what meaning we give to things. Our perception is a projection of us of our own stories, our values, our cultural upbringing, our likes, our dislikes, our experiences, what we’re comfortable with what we’re not how we measure right and wrong. Here’s an example, if someone is very oppositional, but you grew up believing that it was noble and kind and diplomatic, to keep the peace, that oppositional person is going to trigger a lot in you, you’re going to have a lot of discomfort in judgment of the person. Or you will deny all those emotions and just wonder why it’s such a struggle to be around them. And imagine the opposite. If you grew up believing it was necessary to be oppositional that there are in justices in the world, someone has to take a stand. And if you care about something, you will say something, then they look at the person who seems to placate or seem apathetic, and that will trigger something in them. With a fundamental attribution bias, we make conclusions based on what we see in others. If a coworker is late to a meeting, we might assume that they’re disorganized. They’re disrespectful. We see the action and we make an assumption about who that person is their character, their motives. And maybe it’s true, like with most things, right, maybe sometimes they’re disorganized or disrespectful, maybe sometimes, but probably not all of the time. Like this is true for most things. But the most important part of all of this, the thing that I think can actually help us shift our perspectives on how we look at others make assumptions about them, Sidner judgments about them is the flip side. This bias has a flip side, which is when we do the thing. We attribute our actions to external circumstances, we justify it not by our character, but by what is happening to us. If we are late to a meeting, we have reasons right. Like, I had to get my kid off to school, I’m a mom, right? Or I had to print those meeting notes. The printer didn’t work. This bias is in almost every relationship from siblings to coworkers, to the lady at yoga to our kids to our partners. If my partner doesn’t want to talk about a subject, it’s because they’re scared to be vulnerable. They can’t handle their feelings like something’s wrong with them, right? Confirm this for me. But if I don’t want to talk about a subject, it’s because I’m not feeling safe. Right? Something else is the problem not perfect little me. If my partner doesn’t text me back during the day, I can assume they don’t care about me. They care more about work. They’re dismissive, how selfish of them. But if I don’t text them back during the day, I was busy. There’s so much stuff on my plate, I got distracted. Don’t you know how hard I work? There’s just so much I need to take care of how can you expect me to text you back like that? This is the contrast. How about with our kids, if our kid has a bad attitude, and we know they can have bad attitudes, we have a lot of assumptions about them. They’re moody, they’re petty, they’re dramatic. Oh my gosh, drama queen in the house. But if we have a bad attitude, we can probably list seven different external reasons that caused our bad attitude. We do this with perfect strangers to think of how you feel when someone cuts you off in traffic. I mean, sure, there’s obnoxious drivers and we just assume they’re being jerks. But if we found ourselves in that situation where we’ve had to cut someone off, we can tell you about all of the conditions out of our control that led up to that like Siri didn’t tell me I had to merge here. Soon enough, the person beside me didn’t let me in soon enough, whatever. We do this in the service industry a lot where opinions are formed on the employees or the managers based on how long the food takes or how long the line is at the cashier and you know that People who have worked in the service industry, you can see them, they are a patient, they are like a weak headed, we know what it’s like to be understaffed or someone calls in sick, or maybe the training wasn’t great, or you’re over scheduled, there’s a lot of demands on you, you can just tell the difference for the people who have been there. We make assumptions about people online, we can build up elaborate stories about the type of person it takes to make that certain type of social media post, and you fill in the blanks with whatever you notice in yourself, because we have a life online. So we do this quite often online. Whenever I learn about the way our brain filters information, and it has this bias, sometimes this bias actually doesn’t make our life better. I just wonder why. Why are we built this way? The short answer is to save energy. So our brain is always doing this. Assessing, categorizing, assessing, categorizing, it is the most efficient way, it would be too labor intensive for our brains to stop and think about all the external factors and this person’s life experience and all of the things in order to accurately know them their motives, their character. But if we can just look at the information, we have a person’s actions, we immediately categorize this person good, bad, right? Wrong, then we can know how to handle that person, and we will stay safe in that social environment. So these judgments are often too quick to perceive. And yes, they’re based on our past experiences and opinions. But ultimately, this is here to keep us safe is protective. And we do need some of this for sure we do. We need to have that intuition to help us navigate our social settings. But we also need to be aware of times where this fundamental attribution bias creates a me versus them mentality, or even in us versus them, when we applied to groups of people, which we see a lot more of, especially politically these days. So imagine you’re at work, and you have a co worker, and they always slack on this part of the job. Or we think oh, they’re entitled, they’re lazy, and probably I’m not gonna get too close to them, because that’s not who I am. That’s not in line with my values. But what about the things that others might think that we slack on? Well, it’s probably because we’re under resourced, or we think it’s a low priority, we used our assessment, or we need training for it, or our boss won’t offer whatever. We also do it with social groups right here right around us. Imagine like as moms, you see, that group of moms over there, they are so blank, fill in the blank. And since I am not like that, I will not get close to them. The fundamental attribution bias helps us feel a sense of control, when we can read a person so to speak. This can show up a lot more for us in new settings, uncomfortable social settings, where we need to establish some safety within ourselves. We use this to quickly categorize who is safe, who is not, it gives us a sense of control. Ultimately, the bias is not based on facts, the facts will require work, curiosity, conversation, vulnerability, empathy, this bias can just bypass empathy and go right to conclusion. And that’s normal, right? Sometimes empathy can be a risk, it can cloud our intuition, it can make us vulnerable. But in a relationship where we do want safety, connection, compassion, we know empathy is like oxygen. I’m going to link some notes on that in the show notes of past episodes I’ve done on empathy and different relationships. Where we want more empathy, we need to be especially aware of this bias. If we seek more empathy, especially with the people we love. We cannot rely on our instantaneous assumptions. Again, based on our perceptions. We need to get more curious, we need to ask more questions. It reminds me of that account that I’m sure you’ve seen online called Humans of New York, where they take this portrait of someone in New York, and it’s just some person you’ve never seen before. But you look at it. And you might form a story about them in your mind. But the thing that they pair it with is someone’s deep and very personal story that they share with this post. Again, if you’re just looking at the photo, you’re going to make some conclusions. Perception is a projection but then you read their story and you look at them again, and your perception is rewritten. From all of this, I encourage you to remember there’s always a flipside, where we find ourselves taking these actions, we attribute them to our external circumstances, or maybe we even do this for our kids. We we don’t use this with just ourselves. We sometimes use it with people that we need them to be viewed a certain way. We let ourselves off the hook we let them off the hook. But when others take that action, or when another kid takes that action, we attribute it to their internal character. When I learned about this bias, I could see it by up a lot, mostly in my marriage, because that’s a place that’s really vulnerable. Marriage is really an arena of two people triggering each other all the time. So as I’ve seen my own bias come up, here’s some things I try to do. One, I try to laugh, like, I really laugh out loud at myself, sometimes with the conclusions I come to. I know I’ve shared this post before, something like my husband put the groceries away wrong, he must not care about me. And so like our brain can work. So I’m going to link that in the show notes. And then second, I stopped taking myself so seriously. And I don’t mean lowering my standards, but really about having compassion, and not making everything feel like this big, high pressure situation on who I need to be really making peace that I am messy and selfish and careless, sometimes I am all of those things to it has really brought me a lot of freedom and allowing it and others and then myself. Of course, I’ve got an episode on that. I’m going to link that in the show notes Two. And three, I get curious. If it’s a stranger, I find myself making up stories to practice different conclusions like that person is speeding, because they’re sisters in labor, like I did that, that happened to me. Or that person didn’t record and return that shopping cart, because they want to leave it handy for someone on this other side of the parking lot. Again, I don’t care about cards, like that’s kind of for me, or this person is probably having a really crappy day, and it’s hard for them to pretend they’re okay, and make a small talk at the grocery store with me, I don’t need this cashier to make me feel better. Like they can just have their own experience in view and whatever they’re in. And if it’s someone I can have a conversation with, I want to ask rather than assume, I don’t want to keep filling in the blanks. I don’t want to keep mine reading I want to ask. Ultimately, we know our judgments can become walls. So where we want to seek connection, we need to learn to dismantle our judgments and our stories of one another and man that takes humility, and hope and commitment and Jesus and hopefully some sense of humor and all of this. I’m going to put some links in the show notes, I always encourage you to go check them out. Go to simple on purpose.ca. Click Listen, you’ll find all of the episodes there. I filled them all with show notes and there also is a full transcript too if you ever want to read the episode. I really enjoy talking about relationships. I really enjoy working on them. They are one of my most favorite arenas to do this work. If you want one to one support on this, you can look into coaching with me. I’ll link that in the show notes as well. All right friends, have a great one.

When you think you need all the things and the dream home to be happy…. then you realize you need to shed the weight of ‘stuff’ and consumerism in order to find yourself and find peace. Renee Benes, of the Unstuffed Podcast, shares some of her story of downsizing, decluttering the closet and what it taught her about herself and her life. In this episode, we talk about: Renee gave up her dream home to downsize and adopt minimalism The process of decluttering the closet, letting go of those clothes that no longer fit your identity or body How to navigate an appreciation of fashion with minimalism Capsule wardrobes, seasonal clothing, shopping The influence of social media on us and how it impacts approaches to minimalism This episode is a portion of our interview, the rest of the interview covers topics such as: Death and loss Raising kids Scarity and abundance And even kid’s bday presents There is audio and video available for the rest of this fun interview! 👋🏽 Find Renee at the Unstuffed Podcast and on Instagram ☕️ Join the Simple Saturdays Email 👯‍♀️ Be part of the Life on Purpose Community Full Transcript Speaker 1 0:00 Welcome to the simple purpose Podcast. Today we have a very unique episode. This is a guest episode, which rarely happens. And the reason you’re hearing it here today is because I have recently started the Patreon the life on purpose community, and I would like to offer guest episodes in that community. So I wanted to make sure and share some of the year so you can meet Renee, who I’m talking with today. And here’s some of her story. Because I enjoy her story. You’ll hear me tell Renee, that I have followed her on Instagram for years. And I was really drawn to her content, because she was talking about the things I was interested in about saving money, but like just the real practical, like discomfort and stuff about saving money and shopping. And she was talking about becoming a minimalist and how it was changing her life. And she was very laid back about it. It wasn’t all curated, tablescapes and rose gold and just do these three things, and your life will be simplified, and it was really relatable. So Renee has a podcast called unstuffed. And she’s also an Instagram I’m gonna make sure to link are in the show notes. What you’re going to hear, hear, hear, hear, what you’re going to hear today is a mini version of a longer episode. There’s actually two more parts to this episode one is an audio podcast, and the other is a video and those will be available on Patreon coming soon. In this episode, though, we’re going to talk about downsizing, Rene’s experience with downsizing our home. We’re going to talk about closets and clothes and how consumerism and social media plays into all of these things about our lives and who we think we are. So I want to just jump right in. I hope you enjoy. Welcome Shawna Scafe 1:46 to the podcast. I’m so excited to have you here. Renee 1:49 Hi, Shawna. Yeah, Shawna Scafe 1:51 thanks for having me. Renee 1:52 I’m excited to sit down and chat. Yeah. Shawna Scafe 1:53 So I don’t often do well, I rarely ever do guest interviews. But I’ve been following you on Instagram, I was telling you earlier, I found you on Pinterest started following you on Instagram some years back. And when you reached out to me, as I absolutely like I’ve followed you for a while, I’m going to also be sharing some of this content in the Patreon only. So this was just really inspired timing as well, in my opinion, to be doing this interview with you. So aside from that, tell us who you are. What you do you know the basics. Yeah, well, thanks. Renee 2:27 I’m so glad first of all, that you still like me from the blog? Like thanks for hanging out. But um, yeah, I started my minimalist blog in 2017. After we had just downsized our house. We downsize our house by 2000 finished square feet, and just started practicing minimalism. And I did it in a way of like, hoping to be able to reconnect to myself, I felt like I had kind of gone through life just on autopilot and collected stuff on autopilot. Yeah. So going through the decluttering process for me was an internal and external just all around life transformation. Shawna Scafe 3:11 Yeah, and I know, I know some of your story from following you over the years, I know that you were in this huge home. And like you said earlier, there was just a lot of things happening all at once. That kind of prompted you to make a decision to downsize. Could you kind of in a nutshell, give me an idea of what that was like at that time. Renee 3:30 Yeah, it was like, so obnoxious in the sense that I felt like I had I got everything I ever wanted, everything I thought I should ever want. And it couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t happy. Like, everything just felt worse. It almost felt worse because I thought it would feel better and it didn’t you know, and I started to it talk about like how serendipitously I found, self help spiritual author Wayne Dyer. I didn’t know self help was a thing I didn’t read. I didn’t read after high school. But my marriage was struggling. You know, and my husband had been my best friend so to like, not have my best friend around but this roommate kind of person in my house. You know, it was so awful. So I had a friend say, Well, I’ve been going to the library a lot. And I thought, Well, okay, I heard about this, dude, wait, I’ll just go see what his books are. And they were life changing. And I think that’s how things happen. A lot of times those were just brought to the right message that we need. And it started to encourage me to seek more than stuff in my life to seek a deeper, more fulfilled life that wasn’t just reliant on external things or collecting the things we’re told we should want, you know? Shawna Scafe 4:58 Yeah, I don’t know if this is how you felt at the time. But it’s like we spent a lot of our 20s building up the life people showed us and told us and you know, we’re you go into winners, and this is what you buy, I think maybe you guys call it something different there. But you go in, you buy the things at the store that you think an adult would need. But then you come home and it just fills your home. And maybe it’s actually not really you like, what, what was that contrast, like to notice between, I have all this stuff. But this is actually who I want to be. So it was Renee 5:30 tough. It was a weird thing that was kind of like, I’m winging it, I hope this helped pave the road for me. But you’re right, like, our parents, you know, we’re born. And we, it’s what we’re supposed to do is listen to our elders, right? They taught us how to eat, they taught us how to walk, they taught us how to wipe our own butt, you know, things that we need. And so then we just kind of keep listening to the messages that were given from teachers and from parents and, you know, go to college, get the house, when are you going to have kids? And a lot of times nobody questions like, oh, but is this actually what I want? Or do I even have an option for these things? And then unfortunately, you know, I think a lot of people already accumulated the things like you said, and that’s where I started to hear a lot of stories from like the minimalists. Who got the climb the ladder at the six figure job, and we’re like, this isn’t, I don’t like this. I don’t want I want to be here. And so I, for me, it started in my closet. And I think you said you find a lot of peace and decluttering your closet as well as like I couldn’t. It’s so difficult to say like, Hey, figure out who you are. Who are you really what do you really want? That’s a big question. So my solution was, well, I’m gonna go on my closet. And I’ll start with the clothes I actually liked the most. So I picked out all the things that I always wanted to wear the most, you know, the, you know, the shirt that you’re like, I always feel cozy in the shirt. I love the way this shirt looks on me. These pants, oh my gosh, they’re my favorite. I picked out all those things. And basically got rid of the rest. Yeah, I kept a few pieces. But the rest was like, Okay, you’re gone. Shawna Scafe 7:23 Oh, wow. Renee 7:24 And that was kind of my stepping stone to figure it out. Me. Shawna Scafe 7:28 That is I think clothing is a great space to start. But you probably hear this often. How do you actually let go of the things that are, you know, maybe I was pregnant, and this fit me then and it won’t fit me right now. Or I used to have a job. And this is what I used to wear? Like, how did you give yourself permission to really let go of the things because we hold on to clothes for like, safety, like a security net? Or, like, I need options? Like, what did you notice going through and letting go of that stuff? Yeah, Renee 8:00 I in that moment. I think it was just such a deep emotional desire to figure out to figure out who I was to let go of it all to kind of start fresh. It was like I wanted to wipe the slate clean, and figure it out. And I think that’s such an important part of decluttering a lot of times is to, to I mean, not everybody everybody’s journey is different. No one’s no one’s is like mine. It’s mine. It’s weird, I feel like but to like, have a deeper idea of what you’re reaching for because it makes it so much easier to let go of those little things, you know, but you’re right, those those deeper topics. So for me in that moment, it was like, I just need to start fresh. It was really easy. But I remember talking to my aunt who it’s been maybe two years now since she retired, she sold her home. She girl just went crazy. She like she had a home that was very filled. She had a very large beautiful home that was filled with things and she would give me things and then she would do the things she does. If you don’t want this or if you’re when the kids are done give it back give it back to the setback. Yeah, but I don’t know what clicked in her. But she was like sold it all get rid of the house don’t care. And they moved to Arizona with like just one storage tube you know, Storage Cube filled with things. But her she said that her her work. clothing was the biggest struggle for her. Yeah, like you were saying like what about these work clothes? I think that’s so huge, especially and this was part of why I started to declutter was a lesson as we build our identity around our stuff we attach our worth and our value to the things that we own. So for her and I get this man because she’s an impressive woman. She is You know, really worked her way up the corporate ladder. And for her that was in the 80s when women weren’t necessarily taken seriously, and she was the boss she like, was able to accomplish huge, wonderful things. And so for her this wardrobe was a, you know, yeah. It was, I didn’t this this is even high was that Yeah, great. Um, and I think stuff like that is giving ourselves the grace and that emotional healing, like, you’re letting go of more than your work clothes. You know, or you’re letting go of more than the clothes that fit you before you got pregnant. You know, I struggled big time with bikinis after I had babies. You know, me stretch marks, like letting go of a person. You’re like letting go of who you Shawna Scafe 10:59 used to be version of you. Yeah. Yeah. Letting go of the bikinis is letting go of the version of you that was wearing bikinis. And yeah, all of that setting companies. That experience Yeah. Right. Renee 11:12 It can be such a tough thing. You know? We’re Yeah, we might think like, why can’t I let go of these, you know, my skinny pants or my skinny jeans or the smaller clothing size. And a lot of it is, you know, maybe accepting that you’re not that person accepting that you’re not that size person. Because chances are like, if I were to all of a sudden fit into my smaller pants that I wore before kids, and I still had all the old ones, I would want to go buy new ones anyway, you know, cuz I wouldn’t want the old ones. I wouldn’t want the old tops that used to fit. If all of a sudden my stretch marks are gone, and I had a six pack at home. To go by myself. New bikinis is what I’m gonna do. You know? Yeah. Shawna Scafe 11:59 I think there’s that rational part of it. And also like a truly a healing emotional part that you have to let go of more than just the thing. Or release. Yeah, yeah. And clothing is so interesting, because we live in fast fashion where it changes every season. Remember, growing up, you were kind of beisbol I mean, the 80s and early 90s was they were a bit different. But ideally, we were just buying something and we would have it till it wore out or if we outgrew it. But it seems like now we’re in an era where we refresh our closet constantly. And I’ll say I enjoy that. Like, I like the feeling of going and getting something new I love. Okay, how am I going to use this? How am I going to wear it like this is exciting. It’s something new and novel. And I can satisfy that feeling with thrift stores and how many downs but there, but I do notice the contrast of what a minimalism capsule wardrobe should be that we buy these statement pieces that lasted a decade plus, versus how maybe there’s a part of us that enjoys clothes and fashion like, what did you notice in yourself about that as you went through the years of really paying attention to your clothing and your shopping? Yeah, Renee 13:13 that’s funny that you say that. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Because I did a blog post called How to be a minimalist and so like clothes. I always did. I always liked my clothes. And I think the more I learned who I was, the more I bought clothes that aligned with who I was versus before that I kind of just bought whatever was trendy, whatever was on sale, whatever. Other people you know, if you go shopping with someone, you’re not going to get them but it’s so cute. You’re like, okay, I Shawna Scafe 13:40 guess I’ll buy it, you know, right. twofer run all the things Yeah. Right. Renee 13:44 And so I am I’m like you were I feel like I buy things and then have them for a few years and then it starts to be like okay, I you know, I I want to refresh it because I do like having new clothes. And you’re right with the capsule wardrobes. I tried. I’ve tried capsule wardrobes. And maybe you relate to this being in Canada, and I’m in Minnesota here like in the winter, I put some winter stuff, I put summer stuff away. I’m not gonna put on a dress. I think he’s gonna your kids wear shorts in the winter. I am not wanting to do that. Again, in Minnesota, it’s like but in summertime, I still keep all the sweatshirts and the sweaters because, Shawna Scafe 14:29 yeah, you’re probably Renee 14:30 going to need them. But beyond that, I I can’t quite limit myself. I do think it’s good to have those basic statement pieces for me at least like the undershirts that are white, neutral, black. Those are something I always turn to like there’s something I’ve always continually used. But giving yourself the grace and the peace to know what your style is and to be okay with it. And if you have an amount of clothing that feels overwhelming for you Maybe it’s out like a little bit, you know? Shawna Scafe 15:03 Yeah, I think that’s a good point is that we all come into decluttering simplifying with a certain amount of stuff already. And for some of you, it could, like, I’ve watched documentaries and seen people with a rules stuffed full of clothes that they have to declutter, and they get it down to half the room. And you know, that is good work, versus someone who has like the five foot closet, and they just declutter a bunch. So it’s just like meeting yourself where you’re at doing a little bit of work. And I think we’re in this kind of interesting era of social media, where we have a lot of influence on what our home should look like, how we should dress, how we should look, I can’t tell you what my algorithm is, but I’m getting so much information on makeup lately that I’m like, do I need all new makeup? But do I need a makeover? Like it just starts to stick with you? Right? Do I need to buy that? I keep seeing it. I really like it. So there is that component of this mass influence in our lives that’s in our pockets in our faces, constantly throughout the day. What have you seen or noticed for yourself in terms of maybe how social media and being a minimalist and enjoying clothes like how has that all kind of melded together in your world? Renee 16:16 It’s so tough, isn’t it? I mean, Speaker 1 16:19 as we continue talking, this interview took a turn to some really deeper content. In the rest of this conversation, we talked more about finances, those existential questions on how we are living Rene Shaner experience on her dad’s death when she was 19, and how that impacted her. All of that’s in the bonus episodes in the Patreon. And that bonus video to where we talk about parenting scarcity and abundance, how we approach minimalism with kids how what we grew up with or without shows up in how we parent, letting go of negative self talk and meeting yourself where you’re at, it was really just this huge range of topics from closets to grief and loss to money to birthday presents. So if you aren’t in the Patreon, I hope you’ll join us this month, you’ll hear me talk about the Patreon all of the time, because I know if you’re here listening to simple on purpose, then you ought to be in the Patreon you’ll love the content in the life on purpose community. That’s where we take whatever we’re talking about here. And we get deeper we get more personal, we expand on things. I like to share worksheets if I can create one for an episode. It’s kind of like we have this monthly theme that we’re able to unpack and work and discuss and just be mindful of throughout the month. Plus being in the Patreon support, so content that I put out through simple on purpose. Alright, I so enjoyed talking with Rene, I hope you go and listen to more of that. Thanks for joining me in this little coffee date I had with her and if you have any guest requests for the Patreon, send them my way. Have a great week.

Our relationship to ‘enough’ can show up in all the areas of our life. Whether we struggle with discomfort, self-worth, setting limits, or offering ourselves more – we all can consider how the concept of ‘enough’ and ‘sufficient’ can play out in our minds, hearts and lives. Key topics in this episode, and related links for more information Enough exercise for this season TRX videos in my workout playlist of videos I used and loved Setting boundaries with our phone Intentional phone habits (episode and worksheets) Having a constant need for comfort Type 9, How the enneagram changed my life Times of parenting that are so difficult and what ‘enough’ looks like in those seasons Difficult parenting Asking what is ‘enough’ when decluttering Can A Minimalist Have a Full Kitchen? Til We Have Just Enough Stuff Struggling with moderation and knowing what is too much and what is too little Hurdles for women really knowing what is enough, for themselves. Relying on external sources to compensate our ‘not-enoughness’ 186. Doing life with less (summer challenge) 192. Who are you when I’m not looking (internal vs external validation) Having a mindset of ‘not enough’ 40. Does the ‘not-enough’ mindset show up in your momlife? (Scarcity/Abundance) You Can Simplify Your Life Series Looking at this through a faith lens the BEMA episode on Genesis, Creation, Enough Questions mentioned in this episode that you can use for reflection and journalling: What relationship do I have with the terms ‘enough’ and ‘sufficient’? How skilled to I feel at gauging ‘enough’ for myself? Where does scarcity show up for me? Where do I struggle to feel like I am doing enough/am enough/have enouhg? How has being online made me feel like there is something about me or my life that isn’t enough? What does the world around me, seasons and nature, teach me about ‘enough’? Where do I feel like I have too much in my life? Where do I feel like I have too little in my life? Have there been times in my life when I felt a sense of ‘enough’? How do I act, in the different areas of my life, when I feel like there is not ‘enough’? Looking for more? Follow along on Instagram Sign up for the Simple Saturdays email (twice a month!) Join the Life on Purpose Community Book a session with Shawna Full transcript (unedited) Hey friends, it’s Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend and counselor. Welcome to the simple on purpose podcast. So we’re coming into April. And this is a weird season. It’s like an in between season for me, because summer is not here, the Speaker 1 0:18 kids are still in school. But hockey is over which hockey took up for weeknights, and most weekends. So there’s a definite, like, calm period, I would say, the boys are playing more Xbox. But they also move their backboard out of the basement, which is really nice. So they’re out in the yard, shooting pucks, and I kind of get the basement back again, I can put the TRX up and I can do a TRX workout, which I really enjoy the TRX it’s something that you hang from the ceiling or a door and has these two straps that you can like adjust with handholds, and it’s a weight trainer, there’s some really great videos online that I like to do. And I always feel it after even if I’m doing like a really quick workout, like, even 20 minutes, it’s all my workouts are 20 minutes. It’s something that I really am enjoying, too, I think it’s really important to find a way to move that you enjoy. And really one of my goals is strength training. So I’m really happy to reclaim that my basement from hockey and many sticks. And I think, I don’t know, maybe this kind of nicely goes with the topic of the month, which is the theme of balance and moderation. It’s something I’m going to be actively talking about in the Patreon as well as we go through the month. So I want to talk more about the concept of enough. And with this topic, I have a lot of thoughts. It’s like walking through different rooms in one house. So I want to share some different ideas. And I’m going to approach it to be almost kind of meditative, like reading a bunch of daily bread pages, did you grow up with those little daily bread books or daily bread? My mom always had them in the bathroom. She had a lot of bugs in the bathroom, actually, which I find myself doing like my mother now. But a book in the bathroom, it kind of just keeps me from bringing the phone in, which I think is a good boundary. Anyways, the daily bread, they’re like these little books in each page, there’s one page for a day, and has little story, a little thought and then some scripture. So as I drafted up these notes for this episode, I kind of laughed at myself, because I thought it’s not a Reader’s Digest version. And it’s not like 10 points on something. It’s kind of a daily bread version of thoughts. So let’s just start with the first thought. And the first thought is me kind of first thinking about the concept of it enough, the first time I actually really thought about it as an adult. And there was that time in my life where I had my first two kids remember, they were 16 months apart. And it was really overwhelming probably the most overwhelming time of my life because I had a toddler and a baby. But this baby only wanted to sleep on me and was quite mad when she wasn’t sleeping on me. I felt really up against my personal limitations, one of them being a need for constant comfort. And at that time I had written on my chalkboard in my hallway, My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in your weakness. And man did I want power I wanted the power of God coming into my life and rescuing me. And I clung to this verse, My grace is sufficient. In some translations, it says My grace is enough. And that’s the part that stuck with me this concept that enough? Is a version of satisfied or sufficient. And I don’t think I let enough really be the same as satisfied because enough felt lacking somehow. There’s no extra buffer, there’s no security. But enough is sufficient. Isn’t it a sufficient amount? It’s what’s required? No more, no less. When I was decluttering, I would think about the word enough quite often. What’s enough forks for one house? What are enough pairs of tweezers? What are enough pairs of jeans? What’s enough bars of soap in the drawer? What’s enough cleaning products? And of course these are personal questions. There’s no one right answer. But it’s a question that we need to engage for ourselves in all areas of our life. What is enough? What’s enough hours of work? What’s enough hours of time online? What’s enough space in a home and how big should a closet be? What’s enough? What’s enough stuff in the cupboards? What’s enough food for me? What’s enough for drink? What’s enough shopping? And enough is that limit between too much and too little? How do we know we’ve crossed that line into too much or too little? And more importantly, how do we recalibrate, settle, rebalance into enough A lot of the women I work with struggle with moderation with knowing what is enough and remaining in what is enough. For lots of us, it’s either too much or too little also known as all or nothing. Too much shame and criticism too little love and grace, too much distraction, too little intention, too much stuff, too little of the right stuff. How skilled Are we at gauging what is enough for ourselves because the world doesn’t help us with this, the world tells us all of the time, we aren’t enough. We aren’t youthful enough, attractive enough, healthy enough tanned enough vacationed enough, our teeth aren’t brushed enough, they need that special toothbrush, we aren’t smart enough, intuitive enough. We aren’t gentle enough, we aren’t assertive enough. We are energetic enough. So we buy and accumulate a lot of stuff and products and content, so that we can finally be enough. I’ve got an interview coming up in the Patreon with Renee Ben is and she shared this sentiment about her Shopaholic times, where she said she was some something to the sentiment of I was buying all this stuff to feel like I was enough. But then I was just in a constant state of seeing all the ways I wasn’t enough. It’s a core issue. Its core fear that we all need to reckon to some extent. And my enough, what’s our default answer to that question? It’s no, because saying no, you’re not enough, that’s gonna protect us. Because if we’re not enough, we can figure out a way to be enough, and then we’ll be safe. I was looking in the bathroom the other day. And I noticed I have this shelf of lotions and potions that I thought were very necessary when I bought them online at midnight. But now I think they just confused my skin and make me feel like I am now in this lifelong contract with hyaluronic acid. And I can’t do life without it. It’s something I shared when we were doing the live with less challenge in the summer, there are these products that have become my baseline for living. Like I’m just not enough on my own. I need these. I need that daily coffee, I need that certain type of food, I need this beauty product just to be enough. When did I decide I needed these things? When was what I had and who I was not enough? I think what would my grandma’s say? What did her generation think was enough? Surely they did not have a row of skincare products for all the different components of their skin in areas of their face, they probably didn’t have five different types of socks, they probably didn’t have all the streaming services we know they didn’t. But here we are, with more and more options each year on the things we think we now need to make us enough they become a necessity of life. When I approach my life with this underlying thought that maybe I need these things, this puts me into a place of lack of not enough, I have eyes for that now, scarcity, we call it Where does scarcity, not enoughness show up for you? Where do you struggle to feel like you are doing enough or that you are enough? It’s one thing to just be a human in the world and struggle with this question. But we now live in a time where we have to ask how is being online made me feel like there is something about me or my life that isn’t enough. A while back in a simple Saturday’s email, I shared a podcast that is one of my staples. It’s called beyma B E M A. It explains the ancient Middle Eastern culture as the Bible was written in it. And if you want to understand the Bible at all, this is a must listen, it has transformed my faith. But on this podcast on beyma, they were talking about Genesis the story of God creating the world and how we approached creating the world by knowing when to say enough. God said it was good and then they rested. So if you consider things through a faith lens at all, this is kind of a beautiful image to remember that there is such thing as enough and see it displayed all around us. We have seasons and oceans and this natural cycle all around us. We have daylight and nighttime we have limits on how much energy we need. On how much sleep we need. We have limits on time and space. Enough who needs to honor the season it is in. And now if we are creators, our own little world, if we don’t stop and remind ourselves that we are the ones to say enough in our own worlds. Then we become overrun, overwhelmed, and spread then trying to do all the things be all of the things have all of the things all of the time Speaker 1 9:47 for me to go back 11 years and tell myself with a toddler and a baby, that God’s grace was enough for me it was sufficient for me this was not fun is not what I wanted. I didn’t want sufficient. I wanted overflowing prestige. Easy Button Godsend a live in nanny who makes gluten free waffles. That’s what I wanted. I didn’t want enough. But as I would see that written on my chalkboard all the time, I knew I had to get familiar with what enough sufficient looked like, and what it felt like because it was uncomfortable to be in a place of enough. Because I had always been scrambling for the sense of what I would call plenty and comfort. And now I had to trust it. Now I had to look for it, I had to appreciate it. And most importantly, I had to be responsible with it. As we wrap up, I want to offer you some reflective questions for yourself. I’m going to put them in the show notes. So you can go and refer to them. Maybe pause and think about them, maybe use them as journal prompts. And yes, making a bulleted list counts as journaling guys, however you get it out of your head and reflect about it that counts. So here are some questions. Where do you feel like you have too much in your life? Often we have too much consumption, too much accumulating too much hoarding too much maxing out our resources, which are time, energy, space and money. And we have too little creating too little generosity too little margin too little saying not yet to ourselves. Have there been times in your life where you felt like something was enough? I think this is a double question because it really requires us to ask if we’ve ever really felt paid attention to what it feels like to have a sufficient amount to have enough. And probably one of the more interesting questions you can ask yourself, How do I react when I feel like there is not enough? This is just really great to notice about yourself. Think about the areas of your life, and how you act within that area when you feel like there’s not enough. Thanks for coming on this kind of metaphorical tour through the House have enough with me. I want to keep this conversation going in the Patreon. I’m going to be sharing that interview with Renee Bennis from unstuffed. And I’ll also be sharing a podcast episode on what is enough in terms of parenting and teaching enough to our kids. I also want to talk about that related topic of scarcity and abundance. Because really, that’s the mindset behind deciding what is enough. A reminder that life on purpose community, Patreon, it’s a members community, it’s a way to support simple and purpose kind of like buying me a coffee to keep fueling all the things I share here through simple on purpose, but really ultimately want it to be a place where people join in, so that we can grow as a community together and a place for me to just show up in one place. center my time and energy into one place. And that’s the Patreon so check it out. If you’re at all interested, you can always try it out and leave if it’s not for you. I’ll link a post in the show notes about that. Show Notes are fun guys go and check them out. I tried to fill them with a lot of links on related episodes I’ve done over the years and blog posts I’ve written over the years because like we’re coming on to almost 13 years of blog posts and many many years of podcasts so go and check that out if you want to keep digging into this topic. And if you feel so inclined as always I don’t ask for it but I’m always thinking about asking for it is to leave me a rating and review some of you guys message me your thoughts on the podcast in I would love it if you would put that in a rating and review on your podcast player. Those really helped out All right friends. Sometimes I sign off simple Saturdays with this reminder and I’m going to share it with you here. Of course it’s so fitting the reminder that you are enough. You do enough and you have enough. Have a great week. Transcribed by https://otter.ai