Empowered to Connect Podcast

What does open adoption actually mean, and what happens when fear gets in the way of staying connected? Annie Iverson, adoptive mom of four and creator of Write It & Remember It, joins us to talk honestly about openness, boundaries, and the small, sustainable habits that keep birth family connections alive.

Episode Bullets

Openness lives on a spectrum, from a card a few times a year to regular visits. There's no single "right" version of it.

Three common misconceptions about open adoption: it means co-parenting, it's all or nothing, and it's mainly for the birth mom (it's really for the child).

Keeping the child at the center means letting their questions, not the adults' comfort, drive the connection.

A simple four-times-a-year rhythm (birthdays, a holiday, Birth Mother's Day, and one more) helps families stay consistent without overthinking it.

"Something is better than nothing": an imperfect photo or a short text still counts as connection.

Fear, of saying the wrong thing, of being judged, is often the biggest barrier, not logistics.

If contact has faded or gone quiet, it's never too late to reach back out through the agency.

Annie created Cards That Connect and the Birthday Interview Cards to make staying in touch simple and sustainable for other families.

Resources Mentioned

Write It & Remember It — Cards That Connect + Birthday Interview Cards

Birthday Interview Cards & Book

Digital Cards That Connect

Free Guide: Keeping the Connection After Placement (PDF)

Annie on Instagram

Promo code: CONNECT20 for 20% off (Annie's gift to ETC listeners)

Timestamps

00:03:29 — What "openness" really means

00:07:39 — Three misconceptions about open adoption

00:16:20 — Keeping the child at the center (the birth mom & shoe-size story)

00:21:43 — The four-times-a-year rhythm for staying consistent

00:22:52 — "Something is better than nothing"

00:32:18 — Fear as the biggest obstacle to staying connected

00:34:06 — What to do when contact has faded

00:41:52 — Letting go of the "hero" narrative

If this episode encouraged you, share it with another parent who needs to hear it. For more support on connected, trauma-informed parenting, check out our Connecting Practices Handbook and the Cultivate Connection course.

Chapters

(00:00:00) - Annie Iverson on Empowered to Connect
(00:01:45) - What is an Open Adoption?
(00:03:04) - What Does Open Adoption Mean?
(00:04:42) - Open adoption and biological family
(00:07:40) - 3 Main misconceptions about Open Adoption
(00:11:29) - What Kind of Contact Should Birthmother Have With Her Child?
(00:16:18) - Open Adoption: Keeping the Child at the Center
(00:20:21) - How to Keep the Open Adoption Relationship
(00:25:52) - The Birth Mother's Cards
(00:29:13) - Birth Mother Cards!
(00:31:55) - Open Adoption: The Challenges
(00:39:21) - Open Adoption: When Your Daughter Gives Up Her Story

If bedtime in your house feels like a nightly negotiation, or you're the one lying in the dark at 2 a.m. wondering why nothing seems to work, this conversation is for you. Pediatric sleep consultant Allison Ezell spent years stuck between a sleep doctor telling her to sleep train and a TBRI therapist affirming the trauma-informed parenting she knew her son needed, unable to find anyone who could bridge the two. She eventually became the person she needed, and she's bringing that hard-won wisdom to us today.

What We Cover in This Episode

The two building blocks of sleep science, sleep associations and sleep pressure, and why understanding sleep associations alone resolves most of the sleep struggles Allison sees.

The difference between "putting a child to sleep" and "putting a child to bed," and why that distinction matters most for kids who wake in the middle of the night.

A practical bedtime routine built around what a body actually needs to fall asleep: sensory input earlier in the evening, a warm bath or shower, real connection, and a small snack.

How to build felt safety around bedtime fears through repeated, low-pressure exposure, and a gradual pullback method for weaning off sleep associations without a jarring overnight switch.

A consistent, scripted response for middle-of-the-night wake-ups, plus the red flags (frequent waking, restless legs, long sleep onset, excessive daytime sleepiness) that mean it's time to talk to a doctor.

Resources Mentioned

Dwell Pediatric Sleep

Allison Ezell on Instagram (@dwellpediatricsleep)

Timestamps

00:00:37 — Allison's story: years of sleeplessness with her son, and how she became a pediatric sleep consultant

00:05:03 — The two big buckets: trouble falling asleep vs. trouble staying asleep

00:08:01 — Sleep science 101: sleep associations, explained through "the pillow"

00:11:09 — "For a lot of parents, they are the pillow": why parents become the sleep association

00:13:36 — Building a child's confidence and tolerance for separation

00:20:35 — Why temperament and history change how a child responds to sleep

00:22:45 — Sleep pressure, naps, and finding the right wake windows

00:30:36 — What has to happen in the body to fall asleep: heart rate and body temperature

00:33:07 — Building a bedtime routine: sensory input, bath or shower, connection, snack

00:41:37 — Creating felt safety around bedtime fears through repeated exposure

00:47:52 — The gradual pullback: weaning off unsustainable sleep associations

00:53:07 — The scripted response for middle-of-the-night wake-ups

00:55:16 — Red flags that mean it's time to talk to a doctor

00:59:47 — Allison's closing message: it's not selfish to want to fix your family's sleep

Connect Line

Have a question or topic you'd like us to cover? Send it to podcast@empoweredtoconnect.org

Chapters

(00:00:00) - Empowered to Connect: Everything Sleep
(00:00:45) - What a Sleep Consultant Can Help You
(00:05:00) - How to Get Your Child to Fall asleep
(00:08:05) - Sleep Science for Adopted Kids
(00:09:19) - Sleep Associations and Sleep Pressure
(00:14:50) - How to Sleep Well With Your Child
(00:22:49) - How to Raise a Sleepy Child
(00:27:04) - How to Establish a Sleep Schedule for Foster Kids
(00:30:40) - The Science of Falling asleep
(00:31:18) - Sleep Aid for Kids
(00:35:56) - How to Have a Good Bedtime
(00:41:50) - How to Put Your Child to Sleep
(00:47:11) - Waking Up in the Night
(00:51:42) - How to Talk Your Child Out of Night Fever
(00:54:52) - Signs of Insomnia in Parents
(00:59:28) - How to Sleep Your Child

What if the parent report card you've been grading yourself on this whole time was never actually yours to fill out?

Episode summary bullets:

Nicole Barlow, longtime foster and adoptive mom and one of our Cultivate Connection facilitators, shares how she went from feeling like a "rockstar" foster parent to realizing she was in way over her head.

Why the peer-to-peer model at the heart of Cultivate Connection matters: none of us are exempt from putting these tools into practice in our own homes.

The weight of being watched. Nicole opens up about neighbors, strangers, and offhand comments that shaped how she saw her own parenting.

How Nicole's understanding of Scripture around obedience and discipline shifted over time (a perspective she shares from her own faith journey).

Redefining success: from "my kids are compliant" to "does my adult child still call me, even from a hard place?"

Why a compliant kid isn't always a regulated kid, and what Nicole wishes she'd noticed sooner in her own home.

Dysregulation isn't disobedience: a look at fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, and why repair matters more than perfection.

Nicole and Jesse's honest conversation about social media, comparison, and the images of parenting we quietly measure ourselves against.

Nicole's closing encouragement for any parent white-knuckling their way through this season: "It's not yours to carry."

Resources mentioned:

Cultivate Connection On-Demand course: https://empoweredtoconnect.shop/products/cultivate-connection-on-demand

Connecting Practices Handbook: https://empowered-to-connect.myshopify.com/products/connecting-practices-handbook-ebook-spiral

Timestamps:

00:00 – Meet Nicole Barlow and her foster and adoptive journey

09:53 – From "I've got this" to feeling completely in over her head

18:13 – Faith, obedience, and the pressure of what other people think

26:31 – What "successful mom" used to mean to Nicole, and what changed

33:08 – Why her most compliant kid taught her the most about trauma

39:07 – Redefining success as relationship, not response

48:36 – Nicole's word for any parent white-knuckling it right now

Connect line: Find more trauma-informed parenting tools and connect with our community at http://empoweredtoconnect.org or follow along on Instagram @‌empoweredtoconnect.

Chapters

(00:00:05) - Empowered to Connect: Nicole Barlow on Foster Parents
(00:03:22) - How to Train the Trainer
(00:10:07) - Coming soon: Learning to Love Yourself
(00:10:31) - What Made You Feel Bad About Your Parenting?
(00:19:21) - Anglicans on Parenting
(00:26:46) - Paula on Being a Successful Parent
(00:35:59) - Fight or Flight: Dysregulation and How to Support It
(00:39:10) - What Does That Look Like to Be a Successful Mom?
(00:41:20) - "So Much of Success Is Staked on Connection With My Child
(00:48:38) - It's Not Your Parents' Report Card

Ever notice how a bedtime standoff, a backtalk moment, or a flat-out refusal can turn into you against your kid? Jesse sits down with Mo & Tona Ottinger for an honest look at what happens when parenting starts to feel like a competition, and why "winning" a moment can quietly cost you the relationship. This one includes real, unfiltered stories (including a New Year's Eve bedtime battle that's now family legend) and a simple mindset shift that changes how you handle the next hard moment.

What we cover in this episode

Why parenting can start to feel like you're on opposite sides of the net from your own kid, and how to get back on the same team

The difference between winning an interaction and being "rightly related," and why the second one matters more long term

A real, unfiltered bedtime story about doubling down that went sideways (and the do-over that followed)

What to do when your expectations and your child's needs are out of sync, especially with kids who struggle with big behaviors

A simple practice for slowing the moment down mid-conflict so you can respond instead of react

Resources mentioned

Cultivate Connection On Demand: ETC's parenting course, referenced for its "before, during, and after" framework

Connect with us

Have a question or topic you'd like us to cover? Send your idea to info@empoweredtoconnect.org

Chapters

(00:00:00) - The Risk of Winning in Parenting
(00:05:49) - On Winning and Losing
(00:09:15) - What Does It Look Like to Support a Child's Bedtime Sleep
(00:15:07) - How to Be Right All the Time with Your Child
(00:17:52) - How To Approach a Parent's Bedtime
(00:26:20) - Alexandra on Collaborative Parenting
(00:35:25) - The Importance of Helicopter Parenting
(00:43:00) - Slow Down With Your Child
(00:50:51) - Slow Down in the Moment

Some books change the way we see. Rhonda Roorda's In Their Own Voices did that for countless adoptive families, including our own here at ETC. In this episode, Rhonda returns to walk us through her debut memoir, Torn from the Root, and the four questions at its center: who was going to get hurt, what was it going to cost, who would be held accountable, and what hope could there be for repair. It is a tender, unflinching conversation about transracial adoption, the voice of the child within, and what it really takes to belong.

Listener-care note: this episode includes honest discussion of trauma, abuse, and mental health within the context of transracial adoption.

In this episode

Why Rhonda turned the lens on her own story after decades of documenting others, and what it meant to listen to the little girl within her

The four questions from her memoir that frame the whole conversation

The history most adoptive families never hear, from the 1970 National Association of Black Social Workers statement to the research that shaped current policy

How everyday language and labels shape a child's sense of identity and worth

The difference between celebrating a child's culture and simply living near it

A family "blueprint" approach to belonging, where every member is honored and advocated for

What repair actually requires, starting with an honest audit of ourselves

How nurture, in ETC terms, shows up in our words, our attention, and our follow-through

Resources

Torn from the Root: A Memoir of a Black Transracial Adoptee by Rhonda M. Roorda (Temple University Press). Pre-order available now, releasing July 2026.

In Their Own Voices, In Their Parents' Voices, and In Their Siblings' Voices, the landmark trilogy Rhonda co-authored with Dr. Rita J. Simon

In Their Voices: Black Americans on Transracial Adoption, Rhonda's award-winning solo work

Rhonda M. Roorda's website: https://rhondamroorda.com

Context referenced in the episode: the 1970 National Association of Black Social Workers position on transracial adoption, and the Multi-Ethnic Placement Act of 1994 with the Interethnic Adoption Provisions of 1996

Chapters

(00:00:04) - Rhonda Rorda on Transracial Adoption
(00:07:12) - Transracial Adoption: A memoir
(00:13:48) - Rhonda on Transracial Adoption
(00:16:48) - Who Is Being Hurt in Transracial Adoption?
(00:24:43) - In the Land of Adoptees: Language
(00:28:53) - From A Commodity to the World
(00:30:49) - Othering Transracial Adoptees
(00:37:15) - What Would It Have Been Like to Experience A Real African Family?
(00:46:40) - Adoption advocates speak out for equity
(00:47:47) - Adoptees Speak Out About the Transracial Adoption System
(00:53:59) - African American culture in the Netherlands
(00:59:07) - Transracial Adoptions: The Need for Nurture
(01:05:02) - Torn from the Root Review
(01:12:53) - Telling My Story of the Transracial Adoption System
(01:19:11) - From Here to Eternity
(01:22:47) - Rhonda's Empowerment to Connect: Where Do We Go