Anger Management

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs sits down with Matthew, a 32-year-old husband, stepfather and small business owner who came to the program eight weeks ago stuck in a cycle of explosive arguments with his wife.
Whether you bring frustration home from a long day and take it out on the people closest to you, or you know your anger needs to change but have not quite found the words for it yet, this conversation will feel familiar.
Rather than talking about anger in abstract terms, Matthew shares what actually shifted for him, from recognising where he sits on the tension scale before things escalate, to seeing his wife as a teammate rather than an opponent.
And the good news is, eight weeks was enough to start rebuilding the trust that anger had been quietly eroding.
Key Takeaways:
Anger does not always look the way people expect. Matthew saw himself as a good husband and father. But frustration was building beneath the surface, and the people closest to him were bearing the brunt of it.
When everything else is getting to you, it is easy to make your partner the enemy. Matthew's shift came when he stopped seeing his wife as the opponent and started seeing them as a team facing a common challenge together.
Your thoughts do not have to become your actions. Matthew learned that having a difficult thought is not the problem. What matters is whether you act on it. Slowing down between the thought and the response is where real change begins.
The Tension Scale is a practical tool, not a theory. Asking yourself where you are on the scale in the moment gives you a window to make a different choice before things escalate. Matthew uses it daily, including in Auckland traffic.
Writing things down makes the work stick. Matthew keeps a journal of his notes and progress. Seeing the changes on paper reinforces that the work is real, not just something that feels good in the moment.
Short sessions throughout the day work better than one long sit-down. Matthew fits the course around a busy life in small pockets of time. That consistency, he says, is what keeps the tools fresh and usable when they are actually needed.
Role modelling matters more than most fathers realise. Matthew is more open with his stepson about his own vulnerabilities than his father was with him. He wants his son to grow up knowing it is okay to feel things, and to have somewhere to take those feelings.

Resources & Next Steps:
If Matthew's story sounds familiar and you are ready to break the pattern:
Book a FREE 30-minute phone call
Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"
Learn more about The Complete Anger Management System

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
In this episode of the Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs introduces the STOP model: a simple, four-step tool you can use anywhere, anytime, the moment you feel anger starting to rise. Whether it's your partner, a driver cutting you off or your kid doing that thing again, the window between feeling angry and acting on it is smaller than most people think. This episode is about how to use that window.
Rather than offering advice that only works when you're calm, Alastair walks through a practical tool designed specifically for the heat of the moment, and explains exactly why it works on a physiological level, not just a psychological one. These are skills, not personality traits. They get easier with practice.
Key Takeaways:
The moment between feeling angry and acting on it is where everything happens. Without a deliberate pause, you don't have a choice, you just react. The STOP model is how you create that pause.
Slow, deep breathing isn't just calming advice, it's physiology. It activates your body's natural calming system and directly counteracts the stress response that anger triggers.
Practicing deep breathing in low-stakes moments means the habit is already there when the pressure is really on. Don't wait until you're angry to try it for the first time.
Observing your anger rather than acting on it creates distance between you and the feeling. You're no longer inside it. You're watching it. And that shift changes everything.
The right question before you respond is: what is the most useful way to handle this right now? Reacting with anger is almost never the answer, even when you're right.
A physical reminder: a sticky note, a card in your wallet, sounds almost too simple. But a visual cue in the right place at the right time can interrupt the automatic pattern before it starts.

Resources & Next Steps:
If you'd like support controlling your anger and building calmer, more loving relationships:
Visit AngerSecrets.com
Book a free 30-minute phone call
Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
In this episode of the Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs shares three concrete steps for communicating more effectively with your partner, especially when things get heated. Whether you're the one who shuts down in an argument or the one who keeps pushing to be heard, the problem is rarely what's being said. It's how people are listening, and how they express themselves when the stakes feel high.
Rather than offering vague advice about being a better communicator, Alastair walks through three practical tools you can use in your next difficult conversation. These are skills, not personality traits. They get easier with practice.
Key Takeaways:
Most people think they're good listeners. Most people are wrong. In a tense conversation, the majority are just waiting for their turn to talk. Your partner can feel the difference.
Active listening means being fully present. Not fixing, not advising, not preparing your response. Your only job is to understand what your partner is actually saying and feeling.
Asking questions like "How did you feel about that?" or "Can you tell me more?" shifts a conversation from confrontational to collaborative. When people feel heard, the defensiveness drops.
The DESC model gives you a four-part structure for expressing yourself without aggression: Describe the situation, Explain your feelings, Suggest what you'd like and give the positive Consequences of that solution.
How you say something matters as much as what you say. The same concern delivered differently can either start a fight or start a real conversation.
Effective negotiation means both people feel heard before any solution is proposed. A solution you've both shaped together is one you'll both actually follow through on.

Resources & Next Steps:
If you'd like support communicating more effectively and building calmer, more loving relationships:
Visit AngerSecrets.com
Book a free 30-minute phone call
Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
In this episode of the Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores one of the most important questions in anger management: Why does that specific thing set you off? Whether it's a tone of voice, a passing comment or something so small you couldn't even explain it afterwards, your anger triggers are personal, patterned and almost always connected to something deeper than the moment itself.
Rather than offering generic advice about staying calm, Alastair walks through the most common triggers he's seen across 30 years of working with clients, and gives you four practical tools to start understanding and managing your own. And the good news is that once you can see your patterns clearly, you have something you didn't have before: Choice.
Key Takeaways:
An anger trigger is like a button. When it gets pressed, the anger response fires almost automatically. But the button is yours, and you can learn to understand it.
Anger triggers are deeply personal. What sends one person over the edge barely registers for someone else. The most common ones include feeling disrespected, experiencing injustice, having boundaries crossed, and feeling criticised or judged.
Most triggers aren't really about what's happening in the moment. They're connected to something older: past experiences, deeper fears, wounds that never fully healed. That's why a small comment can land like a much bigger attack.
Keeping an Anger Diary is one of the most powerful tools for understanding your patterns. Writing down what happened, who was involved and what you felt physically helps you see that it's not everything that triggers you: it's specific situations and specific feelings.
Your anger doesn't arrive fully formed. There are always early warning signs: physical, emotional, mental. Learning to catch them early gives you a window to intervene before things escalate.
Cognitive reframing means questioning the thoughts that are fueling your anger. Choosing a more balanced interpretation can dramatically reduce the intensity of what you feel.

Resources & Next Steps:
If you'd like support understanding your anger triggers and building calmer, more loving relationships:
Visit AngerSecrets.com
Book a free 30-minute phone call
Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
In this episode of the Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs challenges the idea that anger is always the problem. Whether you've spent years trying to suppress your anger or you're someone who's watched it destroy the things that matter to you, this episode reframes what anger actually is, and what it can be when it's handled well.
Rather than treating anger as something to be eliminated, Alastair draws a clear line between healthy anger and unmanaged anger, and explains why that distinction changes everything. The goal isn't to feel less. It's to choose what you do with what you feel.
Key Takeaways:
Anger isn't the enemy. Unmanaged anger is. Every emotion exists for a reason, and anger is no different. The question was never whether you'll feel it. It's what you do with it.
Healthy anger is not suppression. Swallowing it down and pretending everything is fine isn't health. It's avoidance. Real healthy anger means expressing what you feel assertively, not aggressively.
The pause before you respond is everything. Asking yourself "what is really bothering me here?" shifts you from reacting to choosing, and that shift changes the outcome entirely.
Using "I statements" instead of accusations opens conversations rather than starting fights. "I felt hurt when my idea wasn't acknowledged" lands completely differently than "you stole my idea."
Healthy anger is solution-focused, not victory-focused. The goal is to move forward together, not to prove you were right.
Forgiveness isn't forgetting. It's refusing to let old anger live rent free in your head. Holding onto it almost always hurts you more than anyone else.

Resources & Next Steps:
If you'd like support managing your anger and building calmer, more loving relationships:
Visit AngerSecrets.com
Book a free 30-minute phone call
Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"