Use the wisdom of the past to help parent your kids today. Don't parent from your own traumas. Plus some thoughts on when to adjust or discard past ideas.
Hi Everyone! I thought I would try a format that I *think* will provide a transcript, a podcast, or video so you can, hopefully, access it in the most convenient possible format for you. Let me know what you think.Cheers,BradenGreat — here’s the full transcript fully formatted all the way through the end, cleaned for readability but with every word intact:TranscriptHey everybody, I hope you are doing well. Lovely to see you.I want to share one of the most single helpful secrets to, I don’t know, adulting—but also just kind of getting through life when you have challenging things. And this is gonna maybe seem strange for a second, but follow me and I think it’ll hopefully make sense. **Note: I used an AI service to transcribe the video and put it into a hopefully-readable-format. TranscriptHey everybody, I hope you are doing well. Lovely to see you.I want to share one of the most single helpful secrets to, I don’t know, adulting—but also just kind of getting through life when you have challenging things.A And, I would say that parenting is both of those things. This is gonna maybe seem strange for a second, but follow me and I think it’ll hopefully make sense.OverallsSo, I’m a big gardener, as I think you know if you follow me at all. And I do a lot of work out in the yard and it’s such a pain. I’ll get like jeans or kind of work clothes on and then I go out. But gosh, I was always having to stand up and pull my pants up or adjust the belt or this or that. It was such a pain and it made it hard to get work done.I just remember thinking, gosh, I wish there was something that could attach my jeans. I wish I just had a one-piece pair of jeans that wouldn’t fall down. And at that point it hit me: oh yes, they’ve invented these. They’re called overalls. This is what farmers wear and other people who are out doing a lot of manual labor.I got some overalls. It’s not the greatest aesthetic for me, but it works really well. And now I’m not always trying to hitch my belt up or pull my pants up or whatever.NightcapSecond thing: I get really, really cold at night—freezing. And my wife tends to be hot at night. I’ve always kind of felt like if you’re cold, you can always add more; if you’re hot, you can’t. So I feel like it’s the responsibility of the cold person to just add more layers.But one night it was really, really cold, and I just couldn’t sleep. So I put a hoodie on because I wanted to have my head covered. And I did that, and it was miserable sleep because the hood kept my head warm but it’s very constricting and confining—even a loose hoodie. So that didn’t work out so well.I remember thinking, gosh, if only there’s a lightweight head covering that I could wear—some kind of cap I could wear at night in bed—just to give me the little extra warmth to keep the body heat in. Maybe it could even slide off in the middle of the night, but it wouldn’t encumber me or make me feel all twisted.Oh yeah—guess what? They invented those too. It’s called a nightcap, and people wore them for hundreds of years. So I bought a nightcap. Again, it’s not a great aesthetic—don’t get me wrong, I’m not bragging about my look here—but it’s really effective. And it’s so great.Hats and HeatOkay, recently my hair started thinning and the dermatologist said, “If you’re out in the sun you need to wear a hat, or you need to put sunblock on.”Well, I’m not gonna like put sunblock on my hair—that’s just weird and gross. So I’ve worn a hat. Baseball cap, I like it, but man, they’re hot. Plus it kind of has an informal feel; I don’t feel like it always fits every occasion. It’s like, gosh, if only they had lightweight hats that let the heat out of your head so they don’t hold the heat in but still keep your head protected.Oh! Straw. Actually, I already had a straw hat because I had this discovery years ago when I was working in the yard. So now I wear a straw hat almost whenever I’m out in the sun, or in the winter, a heavier hat.Linen SuitsAll right, also: super hot. I have to be outside a lot in my new position at work. I have to stand out in the morning for morning drop-off. It’s really hot.Well, turns out that southern men have worn linen suits for a long time. Southern men wear linen, seersucker, etc.—suits and shirts—and it’s kind of been done for a long time. Turns out it’s really, really cool. It works very well in the heat and it’s very comfortable. So I started doing that.Lessons From the PastHere’s the point: almost everything in our society… there are thousands and tens of thousands of years of people who’ve already done this the hard way, who’ve learned through experience. And because of that, we have customs and traditions and sometimes kind of folk wisdom and maybe even old “wives’ tales”—can we say that anymore? Old spouses’ tales? Anyway.We live at a time when I feel like there’s almost this instinct to just get rid of it. If it’s something that you heard from your parents or your grandparents, it’s like, “Nah, can’t be right. The world’s different.”There’s kind of an arrogance in that, to be honest, in my opinion. Because yeah, some things are different for sure—but the fundamentals really haven’t changed that much in many ways.Not everything should be kept. There are things we should discard. Parenting practices, for example—we know more now, we should do different, we should raise our kids differently. However, that doesn’t mean we throw everything out.Chesterton’s FenceSo here’s my suggestion: try to learn about the traditions of the past. Learn about the ways people used to do things. And then understand why. Once you understand why, you can decide to keep it or not. It may be perfectly fine to discard—that is a very natural and acceptable part of growth and change. Evolution.My dad talks about when he was a kid, it was just like, you know, if you made an adult mad, they just kind of give you a backhand and tell you to shut up. No one cared about his feelings. Teachers too—literally no one.Now, I think we may have come, in correcting that, a little bit too far, perhaps. But at any rate, I’m not saying knock your kids around. What I am saying is this: G.K. Chesterton, the English author, had a really good thought experiment.He said there’s a certain kind of reformer that when they see a fence in the woods or in the country, they just say, “Tear down this fence. It no longer serves a purpose. What is it doing here anyway? It doesn’t belong here. Just get rid of the thing.”But you don’t do that until you actually know why the fence was put there. It’s entirely plausible that there is a reason the fence was there. So you can tear the fence down, no problem, but you need to know why it’s there. Once you understand the function—why someone put this fence there—they probably weren’t crazy, weren’t stupid, weren’t evil.It may be that the fence is no longer serving its purpose. Fine. Or maybe the fence could be replaced by something sleeker, less intrusive, sturdier—any number of things. But don’t just throw things out. Think about it carefully.Parenting and TraumaI’d say especially this: it’s really important that we not parent from our own traumas.And what I mean by that is—we all have them. Even if you had really loving, caring parents, chances are you’ve got some wounds, some baggage you’re carrying around. Happens with the best of parents.I know my parents had baggage from their parents. I have some baggage from them, and undoubtedly my children have baggage from me. Ideally, we can try to make it so it’s not terrible baggage, but it happens.But just because I may have some issues or some baggage with something, that doesn’t mean the principle is wrong. Maybe the execution was a little too much. Maybe my response wasn’t great. But if I’m parenting out of my traumas, I’m not parenting my children—I’m parenting myself. That’s not my job.I need to parent them, and I need to do what’s best for them, not what would have been best for me.The Dose Makes the MedicineIt’s an easy mistake to make. I’ve caught myself doing it sometimes. I’ve seen a lot of other people doing it and it really can be destructive. It’s just not healthy for your child.Remember this: the difference between poison and medicine is often the dose.For example, you may have had a parent who was really insistent on getting good grades and achieving high. Maybe that was too much. Maybe it caused stress on you. That may be true. But it’s also true that it is a good thing to try to achieve to your best potential.It’s not good to feel pressure to achieve some arbitrary standard, but getting good grades in school, working hard—those are good things. They can be stretched too far, yes. But if you grew up carrying this baggage, this trauma, whatever—we need to use the word trauma carefully, because it has a specific meaning—we don’t do our children a favor if we just say, “Nope, I hated it, so I’m not gonna push them at all.”That’s not healthy for the child. That is parenting yourself, not your child.For me, it was never about the grade itself. I always told my kids: I don’t care if you work to the best of your ability and you’re not goofing around and you get a B or C. If you’re really trying, I’m okay with the grade. But I do insist that you work hard. I don’t want to hear that you’re goofing off or being lazy. That’s important.Trial and Error of HumanityPutting all of this together—humankind has evolved, and it’s easy to take for granted how this happens.Think about herbs, for example. Which ones will help or heal you? Or even just edible berries. Think of all the trial and error that had to happen for humankind to get the knowledge reliably of what was safe to eat and what was not, or how it had to be prepared.Some people died pretty painful deaths or had severe gastrointestinal distress or weird hallucinations in order for us to have that knowledge. And that’s been passed down and handed down.White After Labor DaySo many things that seem arbitrary and weird actually had a reason. I was talking to my wife the other day—I meant to research this—but you know how often you’ll hear a really fussy old rule and it makes no sense? Like, why can’t you wear white after Labor Day?I have no idea. But I wonder if it was this: my assumption is that this grew out of the wealthy elite in the Gilded Age, maybe, when they went away to summer in nice places. They lived in New York City, but they would go summer in Long Island or the Catskills.NOTE: Since recording the vidoe, I researched this a bit and it turns out I was directionally correct about this rule.From pictures I’ve seen (I could be wrong), it appears they often wore white during the summer months. Makes sense—it’s cool, it’s light. Well, traditionally summer runs from Memorial Day to Labor Day. So part of me wonders if this old rule came because they summered in whites and then after Labor Day, you went back to the city.And you wouldn’t want to walk around New York City in whites—it’s just too dirty. So maybe that’s where it came from. A lot of etiquette and rules probably came out of those waspy early socialite classes. Could be wrong—but the point stands: often when you dig, there’s a reason and if you can learn from the reason, and not simply follow an outdated rule, it can give you tremendous parenting power!The Ham StoryNow, sometimes it’s the opposite. There’s an old story about a young bride who was making a ham for Sunday dinner. She invited her parents over, and while preparing it, she cut off the ends of the ham.Her husband said, “Why are you cutting the ends off?”She said, “Because that’s how my mom did it. That’s how you make a ham.”So they asked her mom, and she laughed: “Oh no, that wasn’t about the ham. My oven was just small. I had to cut the ends off so it would fit.”See? Sometimes it’s just habit, not wisdom.What We Keep and What We DiscardSo you have extremes:* Things we do with no utility at all.* Things that once had utility but no longer do (like the white clothes rule).* Things that are good in the right dose but may need a different approach.* And things that really shouldn’t be thrown away, even if they are very old.For example: adults should be adults. Adults are in charge for a reason. Children are not. They are, by definition, immature. Their brains aren’t fully formed until their 20s. Executive function doesn’t fully kick in until late 20s.There’s this weird idea that children are somehow wiser, more pure in their passions. I just don’t think that’s true. Children don’t understand cause and effect, delayed gratification—they’re still figuring out the world and themselves.So just because a child feels strongly about something doesn’t mean it’s the right thing. That’s why parents, teachers, coaches exist.The Collective WisdomThe point of all this: you don’t have to parent alone. You have tens of thousands of years of behavior, trial, and error.Some practices weren’t good and should be discarded. Some are good but need adapting. Some don’t fit our times anymore. And some are old but should be kept.For example, kids used to have to wake up super early to milk cows. That’s not great. We know more now about sleep. We can discard that practice. But that doesn’t mean we discard everything.If you feel rootless, like you don’t have traditions or wisdom to draw on—find an old person. Honestly, most of us are happy to tell you how things used to be and why they were better. Listen carefully, and think about the why.And remember: don’t parent from your baggage. Don’t parent from your trauma. That’s parenting yourself, not your child.I hope all that makes sense. I hope it’s helpful. I’m gonna talk more later about another principle, but let me know if this format works for you.Sometimes I want to write out a really long nuanced piece, and other times I feel like this is a nice way to share—you can read the transcript or listen to it if you’re on podcasts or whatever.I hope it’s useful to you, and I wish you well.Happy parenting—you’ve got this.Sincerely,Braden This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit bradenbellphd.substack.com/subscribe
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