Wirework lover and wife guy Paul W.S. Anderson tries his hand at an adventure classic with 2011’s The Three Musketeers! How is he going to find a way to add Matrix fights, laser traps and exploding airships into this one? Starring Ray Stevenson, Luke Evans, Orlando Bloom, Mads Mikkelsen, Chrisoph Waltz, and, you guessed it, Milla Jovovich. After a successful heist in Venice, the musketeers and Milady manage to steal Leonardo la Vinci’s famous airship plans. Athos (Matthew Macfadyen) uses his classic scuba ninja skills, Aramis (Evans) his Assassin’s Creed cloak-wearing skills, and Porthos (Stevenson) his getting into prison on purpose skills. However, tragedy strikes when Milady, with the help of the Duke of Buckingham (Bloom) betrays the team and steals the plans for the duke. One year later, D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) is a Gascon bumpkin heading to the big city to start duels with everyone he meets. After picking a fight with Rochefort (Mikkelsen), the best swordsman in France, he picks fights with the 2nd-4th best swordsmen in France: the Three Musketeers. But they become friends anyway, and engage in a highly bastardized version of the book’s plot in order to thwart the evil plan of Cardinal Richelieu (Waltz). Will the team accomplish whatever they were trying to do? Will they integrate a bunch of 2010s style 3D elements? Will an airship be shot at by an even bigger airship? You’ll just have to listen to find out!
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264 - Arcade
Your Stupid Minds returns to the deep well of Albert Pyun with another cyberspace type 90s movie about an evil VR arcade machine that turns you insane and then kidnaps you and is also Freddy Krueger. It's 1993's Arcade, starring Megan Ward, Peter Billingsley, John de Lancie, and Seth Green as "Stilts." After her mother's suicide, Alex (Ward) is struggling in school. During a visit to their favorite foggy subterranean arcade "Dante's Inferno," Alex and her friends check out a new VR machine called, uninspiringly, "Arcade," that makes you feel like you're INSIDE THE GAME despite it basically being a joystick and stationary Virtual Boy headset. After the amazing demonstration, Alex's boyfriend Greg (Bryan Dattilo) disappears, and Alex must find him. It turns out Greg was sucked INTO THE GAME and also the game is evil. She recruits Nick (Billingsley) to help. A visit to the video game studio and a talk with the game's creator provides surprisingly little information. He's just as confounded by his creation as everyone else. He doesn't know how it works or why it's evil, but they've got a Q4 financial report to release so it's gotta be released come hell or high water. Alex and Nick decide the only way to get their friends back (other friends are also sucked into the game both on and off camera) is to beat the game. Can they do it? And how convincing will these early 90s computer graphics be? This movie sat on the shelf for a few years. After the trailer's release, Disney sent them a cease and desist due to the game's not insignificant resemblance to Tron. They spent a few years replacing light cycles with skateboards before it unceremoniously sat on a different shelf: that of your local mom and pop video store.
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263 - Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace
Your Stupid Minds returns to computer with a sequel to 1992's cyber thriller The Lawnmower Man. Except 1996's Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (or is it Jobe's War?) is bigger, dumber, and significantly less financially successful, somehow opening at #19 in the box office on 1,600 screens. Starring no one from the original movie except Austin O'Brien. Peter (O'Brien) is an orphaned street urchin on the mean streets of cyberpunk L.A. And when it's cyberpunk L.A. you know what that means! It's perpetually night, it's torrentially raining, and people are warming their hands on fire barrels to counteract Southern California's famously cold climate. We can assume some kind of nuclear winter has set in, but it's never mentioned. Peter and his cadre of Burger King Kids Club members (including a dog) live in an abandoned subway tunnel and hack into cyberspace using stolen phone cards. That's where he recognizes Jobe (Matt Frewer) despite his dying in the last movie and being recast in this one as a completely different type of guy. Jobe wants him to get in contact with Dr. Benjamin Trace (Patrick Bergin) a replacement for Pierce Brosnan's Dr. Lawrence Angelo from the last movie. Once they get in contact, Jobe is trying to crack open the Chiron Chip so he can do evil cyberspace stuff. His friendly facade quickly crumbles and he starts doing his Jim Carrey Riddler imitation that Frewer eventually perfects in Generation X. What follows up until the last ten minutes isn't particularly important. Trace must do a CGI sword fight with Jobe to restore order or something. Also the dog can insert mini CD-ROMs with his paw.
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262 - War of the Worlds (2025)
Your Stupid Minds jumps right on the zeitgeist to cover possibly one of the worst movies of 2025. Released just a week ago on Amazon Prime Video, War of the Worlds (2025) asks the question "have you ever wanted to see the classic H.G. Wells story adapted into a 90 minute Microsoft Teams meeting?" And the answer from the public is a resounding "NO!" We should also note this movie was shot in 2020 using COVID protocols, and it shows. William Radford (Ice Cube) is NSA's only employee. When he isn't using government resources to spy on his daughter Faith's (Iman Benson) fridge, or uninstalling Counter-Strike from his son David's (Henry Hunter Hall) Steam account, he's trying to catch a hacker known as "Disruptor." He thinks he's pinpointed his location by copy/pasting his IP out of his YouTube video's source code (lol) and a task force comes to a building to take him down. Of course, if you've seen the title of this movie, you know none of this matters, because aliens invade and blow up a bunch of landmarks with meteors. The invaders are after data, trying to suck out all the data from the world's servers so they can become more powerful. With the help of his family and NASA friend Sandra (Eva Longoria), William uses all the apps available to him to save the world. Of course, he needs a little help from Faith's boyfriend Mark (Devon), an Amazon driver who uses his elite delivery skills to send William a flash drive packed with alien-killing viruses to his location using a drone. Did we mention this movie is on Prime Video? Will they save the world? Will Mark get promoted to a golden pee bottle? Will you throw up from the camera swirling across a computer screen at 3,000 miles per hour? You'll have to listen to find out! But please don't watch the movie.
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