Your Stupid Minds comes at you with our first foray into the filmography of Canadian auteur Frank D'Angelo. Off the heels of his infamous Sicilian Vampire, Frank brings back his menagerie of geriatric Hollywood stars to investigate the kidnapping of the American ambassador's daughter in The Red Maple Leaf (2016). The synopsis will be difficult since we suspect Frank locked in his cast before finishing the script, so there are big names with absolutely nothing to do whose scenes could have been excised entirely and it would have made the movie more coherent. Special Agent Alfonso Palermo (D'Angelo) is the best detective in Canada. His wife (Mira Sorvino) and daughter (Addison Holley) are killed in a car accident that leaves him miraculously without so much as a bruise. He mourns their loss through binge drinking and working really hard (because he’s so good at his job). When the U.S. Ambassador to Canada's (Michael Paré) daughter is kidnapped, Al is sent in to investigate. He immediately starts antagonizing the dad, since he had an affair before. Well, he of course turns out to be right and his infidelities are the cause of the kidnapping. But we don't know that until Frank ambles through the film lackadaisically talking to a series of octogenarian Oscar winners and nominees. Featuring James Caan as a U.S. Senator, Kris Kristofferson as the President, Martin Landau as some driver, Paul Sorvino as Al's (not Mira Sorvino's) dad, Robert Loggia as some former governor, Doris Roberts as his wife, and Margot Kidder as his psychologist. Everyone I just mentioned is now deceased. Doris Roberts and Robert Loggia died before the movie came out. Among the alive stars includes Armand Assante, Eric Roberts, and Daniel Baldwin.
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1:17:05
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1:17:05
259 - Independence Day: Resurgence
My god... this time around Your Stupid Minds covers the legacy sequel of 1996's biggest film. It's Independence Day: Resurgence, which was most definitely not 2016's biggest film. Starring Liam Hemsworth, Jeff Goldblum, Bill Pullman, Maika Monroe, and 3,800 other people (but not Mae Whitman). We really have our work cut out for us when describing this plot. It's 20 years after the events of the last film. Earth has commandeered the alien technology and created a Federation-like utopia centered around how cool it was when we kicked those aliens' asses. President Lanford (Sela Ward) is on the verge of the event's anniversary celebration when our laser moon base spots an alien sphere approaching the planet. They immediately blast it and go to pick up the remains. Meanwhile, as is custom for a Roland Emmerich/Dean Devlin joint, there are more groups. There are the hotshot spaceship fighter pilots of Jake (Hemsworth), Dylan (Jessie T. Usher), the step-son of Will Smith's Steve Hiller in the first film, who is dead in this one, and some other people I don't have time to describe. Jeff Goldblum is back as David Levinson. His ex-wife is missing but replaced with scientician Catherine (Charlotte Gainsbourg), some UN nerd (Nicolas Wright), and an African warlord who hunts aliens (Deobia Oparei). They're trying to solve the mystery of the sphere. Judd Hirsch is back somehow. He survived a 10,000 foot tsunami in Florida and is now driving a 30 year old station wagon to Area 51 on one tank of gas. There are also some Irish seamen who are supposed to watch a big hole in the earth or something. Brent Spiner is also back as Dr. Brakish Okun. He's been in a 20 year coma recovering from dying in the last movie. He's having a good time. In any case, the sphere was some supercomputer that the bad aliens want. The humans use it as bait to lure the aliens and there is a cacophony of reused 2012 CGI assets as things go bang bang boom boom and the London eye falls into Buckingham Palace or whatever.
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1:56:30
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1:56:30
258 - The Love Guru
This time around we’re joined by Vincent Goodwin from Some of My Friends Read Comics to discuss a serviceable sports comedy that just happens to have Mike Myers traipsing around in every frame doing a horrible Indian accent. It’s 2008’s The Love Guru! Guru Pitka (Mike Myers) is a white guy who grew up in India. Guided by the Guru Tugginmypudha (Ben Kingsley) he moves to LA to become a guru to the stars. His idol and rival Deepak Chopra (playing himself) is the top guru in the world, so Pitka is determined to get on Oprah and overtake him. In order to do this, he will need to have Toronto Maple Leafs star player Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco) reconcile with his wife Prudence (Meagan Good). Due to crippling insecurity, Darren broke up with her and his performance is suffering on the ice. This comes at the most inopportune time: a credible Stanley Cup run by the Leafs (the most fantastic and unrealistic aspect of this movie). Pitka uses all of his silly little aphorisms, acronyms, and mantras to get Prudence to leave her new French Canadian boyfriend Jacques “Le Coq” Grande (Justin Timberlake). But in order to take his Oprah victory lap (which is inexplicably scheduled before the Stanley Cup series has even concluded) he needs to cut corners on his methods. Will Pitka be victorious? Is he the most loved man on earth? Does everyone think his lame jokes are funny? Does Jessica Alba want to have sex with him? You’ll have to listen to find out, but the answer to all of those questions is yes.
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1:55:59
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1:55:59
257 - Born Bad
Another episode, another low-budget Corman special shot in Southern California. It's 1997's (or 1999's? Unclear) Born Bad! After a daring daylight convenience store heist where the born bad kids steal eight beers and $3.28 worth of snacks, Evan (Patrick Renna) targets the born bad kids for their biggest score yet: the local savings and loan! His step-dad is the president of the bank, who tries to impress his new son by flashing around bank blueprints and safe codes during dinner. They use this insider knowledge to... sneak into the bank at night? No. They just bust in with Point Break masks and rob the joint in the middle of the day. But the blueprints give them an important edge: they know the safe is the big metal room in the back. The crew includes leader/hothead Craig (Ryan Francis), even bigger hothead Bullet (Michael D. Weatherred), burnout moron Marco (Corey Feldman), girl Laura (Heidi Lenhart), and normal guy Brian (Justin Walker). Brian was recently accepted to Bard, and his parents are unable and unwilling to fund his college aspirations, so Brian agrees to the robbery to fulfill his eastcoast rural liberal arts college dreams. As you can probably guess, these petty criminal morons mess everything up. Sheriff Larabee (James Remar) clocks the robbery immediately and singlehandedly causes a hostage situation by calling the teens while they're still inside the bank. Everyone except Brian goes insane after two hours trapped inside the bank. Will they live to tell the tale? Is the sheriff ever going to get them that helicopter? Can Corman find a way to include some sexual assault into this picture? You’ll have to listen to find out!
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1:04:36
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1:04:36
256 - The Prince and the Surfer
We continue through Chris's second hand DVD collection with another film that, unbelievably, also has no direct involvement with Roger Corman. It's 1999's The Prince and the Surfer, which barely involves any surfing at all. Cash Canty (Sean Kellman) is a, and I cannot stress this enough, SKATEBOARD (not surfer) kid who spends his days as Southern California teenagers in films like this typically do: hanging out by the half pipe, saying "whatever" to his friends, not going to school. But after breaking into a swanky hotel, he finds a young prince of the made up country of Gelfland is his exact double! To adhere to the Twain plot, they switch places and then do... stuff. Prince Edward (also Kellman) hangs out with Cash's friends, including the pigtailed Mel (Linda Cardellini). Meanwhile Cash goes about seducing Edward's betrothed Galina (Katie Johnson). But the queen's evil vizier Kratski (Robert Englund) has ulterior motives for the visit to the United States. He wants to sell Gelfland to a mini-golf empire and turn it into Golfland. Also, Cash's dad Johnny (Timothy Bottoms, who is uncredited because they forgot to credit him) falls in love with Queen Albertina (Jennifer O'Neill). It's all very Shakespearean, except nothing really happens at the end and instead of a mass wedding we get a rushed epilogue read by some surfer dude to try to convince us this movie had anything to do with surfing. And for whatever reason, in the Tubi version Jon Voight appears in a poorly mic'd intro where he says he wants to see more modern Mark Train adaptations because he is a "concerned father." Lol.
South Africa