The Worst Movie Ever Made

This week, we’re all about unpacking 2010’s Little Fockers! The first one was good. The second one was just as good. The third one? Does anybody even remember watching this one? Well, those who did watch it HATE IT, and for good reason. 

This movie cost $100 million to make, and it’s 97 minutes long. That’s over a million dollars a minute, and there wasn’t even a gazebo fire. 

Gaylord Greg gets got as God-Focker, egregiously gagging on grandpa’s guile, guilt-tripping, and Goodfella’s and Godfather complex, gradually getting good graces from good gumption! Spite fucking Jessica Alba? It takes two to Sustaingo! Kosmo Kramer Jenga! Punching out bottom blocks! Rep on erectile dysfunction! Good, smooth insertions! Get interested in that pit! His one and only Pamcake! Hotties always getting jobbies! Extracting blood from a stone-boner, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! 

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This week, we get into 2009’s Dragonball Evolution. I don’t watch any anime, and don’t even know what a Dragon Ball is. This movie is trash though. I know nothing about the lore, and was deeply upset. I could only imagine what it must have felt like to be that invested in a franchise, only for the dim-witted cum baby of Jessie Pinkman and the “Dude, You’re Getting a Dell” guy to be the reluctant hero on this loser’s journey. 

Basically, Dragonball is Draggin’ Balls! 

“Dude, you’re getting a Dell” guy dunks on demons and doesn’t die, unfortunately … den he uses da dragon balls! Big bag buffering in the barrens! Very not Dragonball-ish! Chi-Chi’s hot little box! Frenetic finger flaps! Piccolo force-choking a house! Dragonball energy seekers! Stone temple covered in karate people! Spraying your spirit gel! Evaporated meteor baby monkey lords! Chi-Chi’s karate-kid cooperation, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! 

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Ohhhh boy, Rob won the poll last week, which can only mean one thing: FUTURE FORCE, MOTHERFUCKER! This is a movie about David Carradine wearing a Nintendo Power Glove and being a fascist, while Bargain-Bin Snake Plissken runs amok in the background. 

I honestly don’t know who we’re supposed to root for here! 

Carradine crushes criminals, cries cacophonously, carelessly creeps with cripple communications, and cracks crime in his Cherokee Chief! Both digits are off! Future tech lightning fist! Dude definitely dead due to demolition of his Dodge diplomat! Department duty for detective David ! Bare-breasted bimbos! Electrofist technicians! Skull and skin semantics! Time-wasting tits, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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This week, we will hopefully not spend three hours of our lives talking about the three hour movie we just watched: 1993’s The Postman. Starting to realize that Kevin Costner has his own Steven Seagal style-hero’s arc with big-budget blockbusters nobody asked for where he’s such a hero’s hero, that if a hero got in trouble, and needed a hero, the hero would be Kevin Costner. 

Say it louder for the people in the back!

“YOUR DAD IS A MAILMAN, AND SO ARE YOU!!!”

Hesitant haberdasher becomes heroic, harangues in Hamlet, handles hefty hauls of hearsay, hating on Holnists, holding hope, hearing Hallelujah however he hears it! Meanie Pants militias! Shakespeare shakeoffs! All they eat in the future is soup! Body father lady throbbers! Abby the spermchaser! Good job, Mr. Sex… Man! Taking a peak in the freezy creek! Post people popped on patrol so he patriots the whole process personally! You spelled tyranny wrong, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! 

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This week, we get into 2009’s Splice, a film about fucking your genetically-modified flipper baby. Adrien Brody is at his most emo, and his bitch wife ruins science because she has mommy issues. What a mess! A sexxxxxy mess! 

Let’s go! 

Sneaky scientist’s unsanctioned ‘speriment spawns sentient, slippery, and seductive succubus! Genetic lumps of gene-producing goo! Course-change characters! First-person birth canals! Fleshy wieners and slimy ding-dongs! The only two goo-producing wieners in town! Inseminated uterus bots! Jack doritos! Rogue elements in the junk jeans! Clive’s gooey two-shoes! Shiny scorpion stabbers! Going back to the Dren den! Concentrated secretions! Paying pregnant people to pop out penis persons! Giving the flying fish woman his slippery digit, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! 

www.theworstmovieevermade.com