Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Ellen Hendriksen, author of How to Be Enough, delves into the nuances of perfectionism, how it affects teens, and offers guidance on fostering self-acceptance while maintaining drive and ambition.If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review! Full Show NotesIn a world where teens are striving to excel in grades, sports, arts, and social standing, societal pressure and self-imposed standards can frequently lead to a feeling of inadequacy. Many teenagers, despite achieving great things, grapple with the invisible weight of not being "enough." As parents and mentors, it's crucial to comprehend this ongoing "silent epidemic" of perfectionism that threatens to undermine their self-worth.Our guest today, Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, provides an enlightening take on this pervasive issue. A reputable clinical psychologist and author, Ellen's latest book, How to Be Enough, explores the intricate dance between striving for excellence and recognizing innate worth. Whether you identify as a perfectionist or are raising one, this episode is rich with insights that illuminate the road to self-acceptance.Ellen explains how perfectionism, often seen as a quest for flawlessness, is actually a misdirected convincing that one is never truly enough. Yet, it’s not all bad. She points out the positive side of conscientiousness—when drive turns into relentless self-criticism, though, that's when perfectionism becomes unhealthy. In our conversation, we gauge how to identify when this line is crossed.The Perfectionism PendulumPerfectionism doesn’t just show up; it has roots, be it familial, societal, or personal predispositions. The discussion digs into patterns in family dynamics, such as anxious rearing and contingent love that may unknowingly perpetuate high-stakes environments for teens. Ellen unpacks how these environments can entrench the belief that self-worth is earned, not given.For parents of adolescents, recognizing how perfectionism manifests during these formative years can offer insights into what it means to provide unconditional love—emphasizing love independent of achievement.Supporting Exploration Over PerfectionEllen reminds us that adolescence is a time of exploration. Teens can feel trapped in a cycle of sticking only to what they excel at, driven by external praise and a need for validation. This episode emphasizes the importance of supporting your child in breaking free from this mold, encouraging them to try new things without fear of judgment, and valuing the process over the outcome.Using Values to Overcome CriticismShifting focus from labels to values can be a solid strategy for overcoming self-critical thoughts and preserving self-worth. Instead of defining oneself by arbitrary or external standards, teens and adults alike can cultivate a life driven by values. A focus on personal growth and learning rather than fulfilling rigid expectations can pave the way for a healthier mindset.Fostering Warmth and RelationshipsFinally, the episode underscores the significance of warmth and connection over sheer competence. Ellen advises that fostering sincere relationships requires emphasizing kindness and intention over an endless pursuit of correctness, often the hiding place of perfectionism. This principle resounds through both family interactions and broader social connections, fostering a healthier community atmosphere for teens.In the Episode...My discussion with Ellen Hendriksen was as insightful as it was reassuring. Among the fascinating concepts explored in this episode, we also cover:The difference between healthy and unhealthy perfectionismHow gender roles play into adolescent perfectionismStrategies to shift from rigid to flexible thinkingSpecific steps parents can take to support self-acceptance in teensTo delve deeper into these life-changing insights and more, check out How to be Enough and visit Ellen's website at ellenhendriksen.com. Don’t forget to share this episode and subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions. Follow us on Social Media! We're @talkingtoteens on Instagram and TikTok

Chinwe Williams, author of Seen, joins us to discuss how parents can truly connect with and support their teenagers by understanding their emotional needs and fostering a growth mindset.If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review! Full Show NotesParenting teenagers in today’s world is a challenge that many find daunting. The teenage years are fraught with turbulence, from the storm of emotional changes to academic pressure and growing responsibilities. As parents, it’s easy to feel like we’re navigating deep waters without a map. We want to be there for our teens, guiding them through their struggles and helping them build resilience. But, sometimes our well-intentioned advice seems to miss the mark, leaving both sides frustrated.This episode addresses a core issue that many parents face—making their teens feel truly seen. Adolescents deal with a host of issues that make them feel invisible or misunderstood. They struggle with anxiety, battle societal expectations, and often encounter mixed messages in their environments. By ensuring that they are ‘seen’, parents can provide critical support. Enter Dr. Chinwe Williams, counselor, educator, and author of the book "Seen". Chinwe dives into the pivotal role of meaningful connections between parents and teenagers. During our discussion, Chinwe emphasizes creating an environment where teens feel heard and appreciated—not just for their accomplishments, but for their unique selves. By validating their feelings and fostering an authentic relationship, parents can help teens recognize their self-worth and develop confidence.In this episode, Chinwe shares her own journey into the realm of adolescent counseling and outlines the essence of her book "Seen". She delves into practical strategies for connecting with teenagers, underscoring the importance of fostering a safe space for them to express themselves. We explore various themes including:The Importance of Being SeenChinwe discusses the foundational understanding that young people need someone who knows them beyond their academic or extracurricular accolades. By providing genuine care and displaying interest in their lives, parents and mentors can powerfully impact a teenager's sense of self-worth. Chinwe shares some touching real-life stories, illustrating these concepts.Speaking Life: Encouraging PositivityThe concept of "Speaking Life" involves positively affirming a teen's abilities and potential. Chinwe advises parents to be specific when they praise their children, focusing on authentic character traits, effort, and resilience, rather than empty compliments. Parental Responses that May HarmSometimes, in our attempts to comfort or advise our kids, we inadvertently dismiss their feelings or respond in ways that may increase their distress. Chinwe highlights the importance of avoiding invalidating statements and explains how approaches like shaming, labeling, and dismissing can be detrimental. Instead, she advocates for acknowledging and validating teens' experiences to nurture trust and communication.Understanding and Reshaping Negative ThoughtsThroughout the discussion, we delve into techniques for helping teenagers manage negative thought patterns. Using the THINK methodology, Chinwe outlines how teens can critically examine and reframe their thoughts, promoting healthier mental states and fostering resilience in the face of challenges.Addressing Dark ThoughtsIn her book, Chinwe provides insights on how to tackle one of the most serious issues: suicidal thoughts. This section offers parents critical guidance on responding with empathy and obtaining the right support for their teens.In the Episode...Our conversation with Chinwe is packed with practical advice and heartfelt reflections on supporting teenagers. On top of these topics, we explore: The neuroscience behind why emotional support is crucial Strategies to reduce anxiety and promote a growth mindset How to engage in meaningful conversations with teens The role of non-biological mentors in a teen's lifeIf you’re ready to dive deeper into these concepts and enrich your communication with your teenager, don’t miss this episode. Reach out to Chinwe Williams on her website or Instagram for more valuable insights. Thanks for tuning in! Don’t forget to subscribe, and we’ll see you next week.Follow us on Social Media! We're @talkingtoteens on Instagram and TikTok

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review! Claudia Black, author of Your Recovery, Your Life for Teens, joins us to discuss emotional literacy, the power of community in recovery, and how parents can break enabling patterns to support their teens' journey to sobriety.Adolescence is a turbulent time, with teens often encountering overwhelming emotions and difficult life choices. For some, substances like alcohol and drugs become a crutch, a misguided attempt to handle the tumultuous world around them. The complexities of addiction at such a young age can be particularly daunting, both for the teens embroiled in substance use and for the parents striving to help them find their way out.The challenges of navigating a teen’s journey from substance use to recovery are multifaceted. At its core, successful recovery involves unraveling the emotions that drive the behavior. Why do teens choose substances? Often it’s a matter of emotional choice; they're seeking belonging, escape from pain, or the comfort of numbness. When parents step back, they might find they are inadvertently enabling these escape routes, rather than challenging their teen to face and manage the real issues.Enter Claudia Black, a seasoned expert in adolescent and family recovery. With a career spanning 45 years in residential treatment and pioneering research on children from addictive family systems, Claudia is the author of Your Recovery, Your Life for Teens. Her book serves as a workbook, filled with exercises that encourage self-discovery and emotional engagement, paving the way for a clean and fulfilling life.Discovering Emotional LiteracyUnderpinning Claudia's approach is the concept of emotional literacy – understanding and processing emotions without resorting to substances. Adolescents often harbor significant shame and secrecy surrounding their behavior, fearing disappointment from their parents. Claudia emphasizes addressing these emotions constructively to cultivate self-worth and align with personal values, a theme we explore in-depth on today’s show.To guide teens through this emotionally-charged landscape, Claudia's exercises encourage them to identify and acknowledge their feelings, breaking down the barriers of shame and secrecy. She introduces techniques for teens to manage their emotions without resorting to substance use—empowering them to transform behavioral patterns fundamentally.Building a Supportive CommunityEssential to recovering from substance use is community. Claudia shares insights on how communal experiences in recovery settings, where young people can meet peers facing similar challenges, help instill a belief that life can indeed be different—and better. These powerful connections often motivate teens to embrace change and build healthier lifestyles.Parental Involvement and EducationParents play a crucial role in their child's recovery journey. Claudia discusses how parents must adopt new strategies, aligning their support with the therapist's guidance and confronting enabling behaviors. Understanding addiction’s impact on the brain, recognizing patterns, and utilizing leverage without resorting to fear-based tactics are keys to breaking destructive cycles and fostering genuine change.Unmasking the True SelfIn her book, Claudia also details how to unmask those secretive layers that often accompany addiction. By discerning the underlying emotions and addressing the shame associated with secrets, teens can learn to navigate life more transparently and authentically, resulting in long-term recovery.In the Episode...Throughout our discussion, Claudia provides a wealth of knowledge for parents and teens alike. She highlights:Methods for teens to connect with their emotions safelyStrategies for parents to support recovery without enablingThe importance of aligning parental roles and understanding individual dynamicsInsights into breaking generational cycles of addictionIf you're confronting the challenges of teen substance use, this conversation offers vital guidance. To learn more about Claudia's work, check out Your Recovery, Your Life for Teens on Amazon, or visit her website at claudiablack.com. Thanks for tuning in—don’t forget to subscribe and share! Follow us on Social Media! We're @talkingtoteens on Instagram and TikTok

Paul C. Holinger, author of Affects, Cognition, and Language as Foundations of Human Development, delves into the role of interest in building self-esteem, the dangers of physical punishment, and strategies for fostering curiosity in teenagers.If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review! Full Show Notes:Raising a teenager often feels like navigating a maze of emotions and varying interests, where ensuring their well-being and fostering self-esteem can be challenging. Teens are at a pivotal stage in their lives where they form their own identities, learn to manage emotions, and develop a sense of curiosity that fuels their passions and purpose for the future. However, societal pressures and the stresses of everyday life can often suppress their natural interest and exploration. As parents, teachers, or guardians, it's crucial to nurture these aspects, enabling teens to thrive.Our guest this week, Paul C. Holinger, is a professor of psychiatry and a renowned author known for his work on emotion understanding and development in children. His book, Affects, Cognition, and Language as Foundations of Human Development, provides a foundation for understanding how integral elements like emotion, language, and thought processes contribute to human development. In our conversation, Paul delves deep into the significance of 'affect'—essentially our emotional responses—and how understanding and verbalizing these emotions can aid in building a more robust personal identity in teens.In the episode, Paul outlines the importance of distinguishing positive and negative affects in teenagers and explains why negative feelings, although more abundant, often demand urgent attention. He shares insights on how parents can shift negative affects into learning opportunities through open communication, transforming anger or distress into a lens of curiosity. Instead of suppressing emotions with physical punishment, Paul advocates for understanding the root cause of emotions, promoting a healthy dialogue that can drastically improve parent-child relationships.One of the significant areas of our discussion focuses on the impact of using physical punishment as a means of discipline. Paul highlights a disturbing correlation between physical punishment and negative outcomes like antisocial behavior, decreased self-control, and detrimental impacts on mental health. This revelation challenges the preconceived notion that stricter discipline equates to better-behaved children. Instead, Paul encourages parents to adopt an approach steeped in understanding, empathy, and most importantly, curiosity.The conversation further explores how teens can be encouraged to maintain motivation and interest, especially when faced with arduous tasks like studying or project completion. Paul shares that cultivating a sense of genuine interest or aligning tasks with rewarding outcomes can help teens navigate through negativity, finding joy in both the process and the result.In this Episode, We'll Also Cover:How to recognize and validate a teen's emotional experiences.The nuances of interest as a tool to combat distress and boredom.Constructive alternatives to physical punishment.Encouraging teens to verbalize emotions effectively.Join us in unraveling these aspects with Paul C. Holinger, and learn how you can better support the emotional and intellectual journeys of the teens in your life. If you're looking to foster deeper connections and cultivate a nurturing environment for growth, this episode offers invaluable perspectives. Don’t forget to subscribe to Talking to Teens for more expert insights and advice around parenting the teenagers in your life!Follow us on Social Media! We're @talkingtoteens on Instagram and TikTok