My Rejection Story

Why does rejection feel so threatening—sometimes even more destabilizing than physical danger? Why does losing approval, status, or belonging shake our confidence so deeply? And why does the fear of rejection seem impossible to fully “heal” or outgrow?In this episode of My Rejection Story, Alice is joined by Jeremy Sherman, an evolution and social science researcher who studies the origins of life, human behavior, and what he calls the “black market of confidence.” Together, they explore rejection not as a psychological flaw—but as a survival mechanism rooted deep in human evolution.Jeremy challenges the idea that rejection hurts simply because of brain wiring or trauma. Instead, he reframes rejection as a threat to confidence itself—something humans have always needed to stay alive, belong to groups, and navigate danger. With language, imagination, and social comparison layered on top of biology, humans became uniquely vulnerable to rejection in ways no other species is.Throughout the conversation, Alice and Jeremy unpack why confidence operates like a scarce resource, why humans quietly compete for affirmation while pretending they don’t need it, and why attempts to “solve” rejection often miss the point entirely.In this episode, they explore:Why fear of rejection didn’t evolve for happiness—but for survivalHow humans operate in a constant “black market” of confidence and affirmationWhy language and imagination make rejection more destabilizing for humans than animalsThe evolutionary trade-off between visibility, status, and dangerWhy confidence feels abundant until it disappears—and why we panic when it doesWhy there may be no permanent cure for fear of rejection, only ways to live with it more honestlyRather than offering tidy solutions, this episode invites listeners to sit with paradox: the need for confidence, the inevitability of rejection, and the freedom that comes from recognizing that this tension is part of being human—not evidence that something is wrong with you.If you’ve ever wondered why rejection feels existential, why confidence feels fragile, or why approval seems to matter more than logic says it should, this conversation will leave you thinking—and possibly relieved that the struggle isn’t personal.Connect with Jeremy:TRYING BEINGS Youtube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCjH_fBN6aQQ0uw5324tSrcg?view_as=subscriberInstagram: instagram.com/jeremyshermanphd/?hl=enChapters00:00 Why Rejection Feels Like a Survival Threat02:00 Introducing Jeremy Sherman and a New Way to Think About Rejection06:00 Confidence as a Scarce Resource—and a Black Market11:00 Language, Imagination, and Why Humans Fear Rejection So Deeply18:00 Why Confidence Feels Stable—Until It Disappears26:00 The Evolutionary Trade-Off Between Visibility and Safety34:00 Why There Is No Permanent Cure for Fear of Rejection43:00 Aging, Status Loss, and the Fear of Becoming Invisible52:00 Purpose, Community, and What Happens When Roles End01:02:00 Final Thoughts: Living With Rejection, Not Solving It

In this episode, ADHD thought leader, author, and host of the Tracy Otsuka podcast joins Alice for a conversation about identity, rejection, and the quiet conditioning that teaches so many women to shrink. Drawing from her own story and the research behind learned helplessness psychology, Tracy explains why women with ADHD are especially vulnerable to internalizing criticism — and how those early messages of “you’re too much,” “you’re not enough,” “you’re disorganized,” shape a lifetime of self-doubt.Tracy breaks down the learned helplessness meaning in practical terms: the moment you stop trying because every attempt has been shut down. She shares learned helplessness examples from childhood socialization, school environments, and relationships where girls are punished for intuition, sensitivity, and non-linear thinking. And she clarifies the difference between weaponized incompetence vs learned helplessness — one is manipulation, the other is survival.She also explains the neuroscience behind why ADHD brains shut down during rejection, why emotional flooding sends the prefrontal cortex offline, and how that creates a cycle of avoidance, fear, and stalled decision-making. Tracy and Alice explore the overlap between learned helplessness and depression, how masking becomes a default for ADHD women, and why regaining a sense of agency begins with identity, not productivity hacks.This conversation is for anyone who’s ever felt stuck, ashamed, or convinced they “can’t trust their brain.” For anyone wondering how to explain the concept of learned helplessness to themselves or others, or why learned helplessness ADHD patterns can be reversed with intention, identity work, and small acts of self-trust. Tracy reminds us that the opposite of helplessness isn’t perfection — it’s action, built one decision at a time.If you’ve ever felt like you’re living someone else’s version of your life, or if you want to understand why ADHD women struggle despite being intuitive, brilliant, and highly capable, this episode is a must-listen. Tracy’s work — through her coaching, her Tracy Otsuka book, and her learned helplessness podcast conversations — offers a blueprint for reclaiming your agency and building an identity rooted in who you truly are.Resources & Links:Tracy’s book: ADHD for Smart Ass WomenTracy’s podcast: ADHD for Smart Ass WomenWebsite & Programs: ADHDforSmartWomen.comChapters00:00 The Double Standard: Why Women With ADHD Carry More Shame03:40 Intuition, Sensitivity, and Reading the Room04:35 What Rejection Does to an ADHD Brain06:51 Socialization, Masking, and the Roots of Learned Helplessness07:26 Learned Helplessness Meaning: When Self-Preservation Becomes Avoidance09:15 The Gendered Misdiagnosis of ADHD & Emotional Flooding12:18 Action, Dopamine, and Why Interest Drives Everything13:49 Trauma, Identity, and Reversing Learned Helplessness15:40 Finding Your Area of Interest & Building Positive Emotion18:07 How Tracy Wrote Her Book Using Fun, Challenge, and Social Accountability21:33 Intention, Identity, and Becoming Someone You Trust24:59 The Opposite of Helplessness: Pride, Purpose, and Dopamine

In this powerful mini replay, positive psychology practitioner and author Jodi Wellman joins Alice for a conversation about mortality, motivation, and the brave work of actually living our lives instead of waiting for the perfect moment. Jodi — known for her viral TED Talk, her book You Only Die Once, and her work at Four Thousand Mondays — explains why death is a great motivator, and why many of us need the uncomfortable truth of our finiteness to finally stop procrastinating the things that matter most.Jodi shares how her mother’s early death shaped her philosophy, and why the reminder you are dying isn’t morbid — it’s honest. She breaks down the psychological insight behind death as motivation, the research that shows we act more boldly when we acknowledge our limits, and why “there’s no greater motivator than death” when we’re stuck in fear.From reloading a stapler in a corporate job she knew she’d outgrown, to making the leap into coaching, to leaving a successful business partnership to build 4000 Mondays, Jodi explains how we can recognize the moment when procrastination turns into self-betrayal — and how to reclaim our agency before regret piles up.This episode is for anyone who keeps waiting to feel confident, ready, or “better” before making a move; for anyone asking is death a good motivator? or wondering why fear feels louder than desire. Jodi’s answer is simple: motivation rarely arrives. We create it by acting.If you’ve ever needed a reminder that your Mondays are ticking down, that your dreams won’t wait, or that you only die once, this conversation will wake you up in the best possible way.Resources & LinksBook: You Only Die Once https://www.amazon.com/You-Only-Die-Once-Regrets/dp/0316574279 Website: https://fourthousandmondays.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fourthousandmondays/?hl=enTED Talk: Jodi Wellman on how facing death helps us live, https://www.ted.com/embed/jodi_wellman_how_death_can_bring_you_back_to_lifeChapters00:00 The Wake-Up Call: Losing Her Mother Early01:29 Fear, Procrastination, and the Self-Talk That Finally Works02:40 Why Positive Psychology Still Needs a Little Pain03:53 Denying Death, Compromised Inner Lives04:33 Playing Small to Avoid Rejection06:40 The Stapler Moment: Staying Too Long in Work That Drains You08:58 Why Confidence Never Arrives First10:11 Studying Memento Mori & Starting Four Thousand Mondays11:25 The Moment She Committed to Leaving Corporate12:20 Choosing the Thesis That Changed Everything13:08 Community, Courage, and Feeling More Alive14:33 Rejection in Real Time: The TV Project She’s Avoiding16:59 Eating Rejection for Breakfast18:04 Why the Sweaty Rejections Matter Most19:54 Alice’s Big Audacious Rejection Goal20:46 Where to Find Jodi & What to Read First

Why does rejection hurt so intensely — even when the relationship was brief, online, or never fully real? Why do some rejections destabilize your entire sense of self while others barely register? In this solo episode, Alice breaks down exactly what rejection does to a person, why you may be taking rejection so hard, and how to recover with science-backed compassion.Alice opens with a story from early 2020: a fast, dopamine-fueled pandemic connection with someone she never met — and the emotional crash that followed when it abruptly ended. If you’ve ever wondered “why am I so hurt by rejection?”, “why do I get so hurt by rejection?” or “what does constant rejection do to a person?”, her experience will feel uncannily familiar.Blending neuroscience and psychology, Alice explains:How rejection affects the brain, including why social rejection activates the same neural pathways as physical painHow rejection makes you feel overwhelmed, foggy, or obsessive, and why these reactions are biological, not personal failuresWhy you might handle rejection so badly, especially when fantasy, intensity, and uncertainty fuel attachmentHow rejection affects mental health, including stress responses, rumination, and emotional dysregulationHow rejection can affect self-esteem and identity, even when the relationship was short or never fully formedWhat constant rejection does to a person over time, and how it erodes confidence and connectionAlice also unpacks the psychology of idealization, intermittent reinforcement, imagined futures, and the collapse of emotional safety — offering a grounded explanation for why some rejections hurt more than “real” breakups.Finally, she shares practical, evidence-based tools to help you rebuild resilience, calm your nervous system, and stop interpreting rejection as proof of inadequacy.If you’ve ever asked yourself “why am I taking rejection so hard?”, “why do I handle rejection so badly?” or “what does rejection do to a person?”, this episode will help you understand your reactions — and give you a path to healing that doesn’t blame you for being human.Resources:Alice's Refinery29 article: https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2021/04/10403226/get-over-someone-you-never-dated Eisenberger et al., 2003: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/14551436Eisenberger, 2012: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3273616Kross et al., 2011: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3076808Allen & Leary, 2010: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2914331Koch, 2020: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01973533.2020.1726748Beato et al., 2021: https://www.mdpi.com/1660-4601/18/4/2017Stutts et al., 2022: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10653232Baumeister et al., 2002: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11881675Shields et al., 2016: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27474311Fisher et al., 2010: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3612400Hazan & Shaver, 1987 summary: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1988-13004-001Chapters00:00 Why Rejection Hurts More Than Logic Can Explain02:00 Alice’s Story: A Pandemic Connection That Felt Real05:00 How Rejection Affects the Brain Like Physical Pain08:00 Why Rejection Makes You Spiral, Ruminate & Obsess11:00 Dopamine, Fantasy & Why You Get Attached So Fast14:00 What Constant Rejection Does to a Person17:00 How Rejection Impacts Mental Health & Self-Esteem20:00 Why Some Rejections Hit Harder Than Real Breakups23:00 Tools for Recovery: Self-Compassion, Reframing & Regulation27:00 Final Thoughts: You’re Not Broken — You’re Human

In this episode, multicultural marketing strategist and founder of aam creative, Afshan Nasseri, joins Alice to unpack a quietly growing crisis among expats: the rise of loneliness in Dubai and the emotional reality of why it’s hard to make friends as an adult. Whether you’ve just moved to the UAE, you’re struggling to build community, or you feel disconnected despite being surrounded by people, Afshan brings language to something so many feel but rarely admit.Afshan’s story spans Boston, Montreal, India, Iran, and now Dubai. She grew up in a home overflowing with culture, community, and connection—yet found herself starting from zero when she moved here. From questioning who she could call when things went wrong to navigating a social landscape that can feel transactional, Afshan shares the truth most expats whisper only to themselves.If you’ve ever wondered how to make new friends as an adult, why Dubai can feel emotionally isolating even when it’s exciting, or what it actually takes to build deeper relationships here, this episode will resonate deeply.Afshan walks Alice through:Why so many people in Dubai feel lonely even when they “shouldn’t”How transient expat culture erodes community-building instinctsThe difference between coffee friends vs. friends you can rely onWhy adult friendship requires intentional vulnerability—and why that feels riskyHow making friends in Dubai often requires going first, being open, and allowing others inThe cultural pressures that make people hide their loneliness, especially in appearance-driven citiesWhat Afshan learned from teaching in rural India at 14—and how that shaped her identity todayHow her multicultural upbringing led to founding aam creative and advocating for authentic representationWhy showing up unfiltered online unexpectedly helped her form deeper offline friendshipsHow to spot the early signs of people you can build real connection with in DubaiAfshan also speaks candidly about the fear of being judged, the myth that everyone else has a thriving social circle, and the surprising truth: almost everyone is looking for meaningful connection… they’re just waiting for someone to go first.This episode is a must-listen for anyone navigating expat life, rebuilding their social world from scratch, or trying to understand why adulthood friendships require more courage—and more honesty—than we ever expected.Resources & Links📸 Instagram: @afshannasseri🌐 AAM Creative: https://www.aamcreative.co/