My Rejection Story

What if the loneliest rejection isn't losing a partner but losing a friend?
Alice Draper is joined by Dr. Kimberly Horn, internationally recognized research psychologist, public health scientist who spent nearly 30 years studying addiction and health inequalities, and author of Friends Matter, For Life: Harnessing the Eight Tenets of Dynamic Friendship (endorsed by Mel Robbins). After the pandemic, Kimberly watched her own research play out in real time: people suffering less from the virus itself than from deep loneliness. But what makes her fascinating isn't the credentials, it's the reframe underneath: friendship isn't a nice-to-have, it's the most accessible tool we have against a crisis the US Surgeon General declared a public health emergency in 2023.
Kimberly's reframe: rejection is data, not a verdict. Friendship loss is real grief but because we choose our friends, with no scripts, no casseroles, no paid leave, it's a lonely, invisible kind of pain society hasn't learned to hold. She and Alice unpack why social atrophy since COVID has left us more sensitive to rejection, why "accessible" doesn't mean "easy," and how self-friending becomes the antidote to the stories we tell ourselves.
Whether you've quietly let a friendship fade or you're still stinging from one that ended without explanation, this is a clear-eyed reframe of what friendship is actually for.
In this episode they explore:
Social atrophy and rejection sensitivity — how losing our social "buffer" during COVID made rejection hurt more

Why belonging is a biological need, and fear of the tribe casting us out is wired into rejection

The 11-3-6 friendship formula — 11 interactions, 3 hours each, over 6 months — and why it's so much harder to reach as an adult

"Accessible doesn't mean easy" — Kimberly on why she wrote the book precisely because friendship is hard

Micro connections — the neighbor, the grocery clerk, the person who delivers your Amazon packages — and why they count

How to normalize the awkward phone call and the 10pm voice memo in a "not-a-phone-call society"

2026 as "the year of analog" — bringing back inflection, tone, and the nuance texting flattens

Acceptance as one of the eight tenets

Recalibrating friendships without ending them

The Blue Zones question — do communal societies live longer because they can't just opt out of each other?

Why we "turn over" friends roughly every seven years — and why a faded friendship still counts

Connect with Dr. Horn: 
Website: https://www.drkimberlyhorn.com 
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drkimberlyhorn 
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kimberly.horn.182 
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-kimberly-horn-862b3ba5 
Linktree: https://linktr.ee/kahorn 
Book: Friends Matter, For Life: Harnessing the Eight Tenets of Dynamic Friendship  on Amazon and whichever platforms books are sold
Chapters: 
00:00 Social atrophy — did the pandemic make rejection hurt more? 
02:31 Wired for the tribe: why belonging is biological 
03:31 Meet Dr. Kimberly Horn and the loneliness crisis 
06:10 30 years of research, and the one factor that kept rising to the top 
09:09 "Accessible doesn't mean easy"
10:53 The 11-3-6 formula and the adulthood time problem 
13:00 Micro connections: the neighbor, the clerk, the Amazon driver 
15:22 How long until we're actually friends?
18:38 Normalizing the awkward call — and the 10pm voice memo  
24:46 Acceptance as a tenet — have we gotten less accepting?
28:01 Drawing tighter boundaries as we age — growth or loss?
31:26 Recalibrating, and letting friendships fade without failure 
36:55 Recalibration doesn't always mean ending 
39:57 Disenfranchised grief: the rejection society won't name 
43:06 How to get support when no one brings casseroles 
45:31 The shame of friendship rejection and low self-worth 
46:32 Self-friending — turning rejection into data, not identity - where to find Kimberly and her book

What if the plan you're clinging to for safety is the very thing keeping you stuck?
Alice is joined by Anne-Laure Le Cunff — neuroscientist, founder of the newsletter Ness Labs, and author of Tiny Experiments — who was thriving at Google until the morning she woke up to find her entire arm had turned purple. A blood clot threatening to travel to her lungs. Her first reaction in the ER? "One second, I need to check my calendar." That was the life quake that made her question everything — and eventually walk away from the job her immigrant mother saw as the family's hard-won safe spot in society.
Anne-Laure's reframe: certainty is a survival instinct, not a strategy. Our brains haven't changed much in a few thousand years, so we still cling to the illusion of control and quietly close doors to growth, connection, and self-discovery. Her answer isn't another blueprint — it's an experimental mindset: small, time-boxed actions run out of curiosity, measured by what you learn rather than the outcome you demanded.
She's honest that she didn't handle the uncertainty gracefully — she bolted back into old patterns and started a startup "for all of the wrong reasons," just to have something impressive to say. It was only when that startup failed, which she calls one of the best things that ever happened to her, that she admitted she was lost — and found it liberating.
Whether you're stuck in a job that pays the bills but doesn't fulfill you, or already mid-leap into the unknown, this is a candid, science-grounded reframe of what uncertainty is actually for.
In this episode they explore:
The purple arm and the calendar — the health scare that exposed a life built on saying yes to everything

Why "I work at Google" was an identity, and what losing it does to your sense of self

Why your brain treats uncertainty as a threat to survival

The startup she started for all the wrong reasons, and why its failure was liberating

The hero's journey as a mental model for real life — and why we live through it more than once

Tiny experiments explained — starting from a hypothesis, not a blueprint

Measuring inputs over outputs, and why changing a million things at once tells you nothing

Intentional imperfection — why running at 100% everywhere is a recipe for burnout

The one conversation with your partner that prevents pointless conflict

Self-compassion over self-awareness in "do it all" culture

Toxic productivity vs. mindful productivity, and Peter Drucker's fiftyfold stat

Becoming "an anthropologist of your own life"

Connect with Anne-Laure Le Cunff:Website: nesslabs.comInstagram: ⁠@neuranne⁠Book: Tiny Experiments, https://www.amazon.ae/Tiny-Experiment...
Chapters: 
00:00 "One second, I need to check my calendar" — the purple arm
00:43 Meet Anne-Laure Le Cunff, author of Tiny Experiments
01:04 The yes girl at Google — imposter syndrome
02:00 The blood clot, the ER, and quitting
03:40 Life quakes and shifting priorities
05:17 Why the brain treats uncertainty as a survival threat
06:47 Clinging to the illusion of control
07:29 Losing the Google identity
09:02 The startup that failed — and why it was liberating
10:18 The hero's journey, explained
12:12 Why we live through multiple hero's journeys
13:09 Tiny experiments as the tool for climbing back up
14:32 Measuring inputs, not outputs
16:13 Intentional imperfection and executive function
18:53 Self-awareness vs. self-compassion
20:39 Toxic vs. mindful productivity
22:02 Anthropologist of your own life — where to find Anne-Laure

What if the first person to reject you and the hardest one to recover from,  was you?
Alice is joined by Selena Rezvani, Wall Street Journal bestselling author, leadership and confidence speaker, and creator of the viral newsletter that became the Quick Confidence and Quick Leadership series. This episode is a masterclass in overcoming the fear of rejection at work: Selena has half a million followers teaching self-advocacy, yet the rejection she keeps circling back to isn't from a publisher or an online hater. It's the self-rejection that began in a turbulent childhood, where she learned she could earn love by achieving quietly and never needing anything.
Selena's reframe: rejection from other people is a moment of contact, self-rejection is the quiet, corrosive one that whispers you're not worthy unless you're in "conquer mode." She traces how trauma-driven overachievement became perfectionism, guilt around rest, and showing up as "the diet soda version of yourself." Then she unpacks how to build confidence at work one rep at a time, naming her inner critic (hers is called Marjorie) and swapping "what if I fail?" for "I'm either going to win or I'm going to learn."
The sharp turn: success doesn't end rejection, it amplifies it. She's blunt that eight publisher rejections for one book turned out to be a gift, the idea was a "should," not a "want." Her antidote to the shame spiral is disarmingly simple: "share is a way to repair," because sunlight is the best disinfectant.
Whether you're dealing with rejection at work, rebuilding confidence after a setback, or weighing a career risk in a frozen job market, this is a candid, practical reframe of what rejection is really for.
In this episode they explore:
How to overcome the fear of rejection — and why the first rejection often comes from yourself

Trauma-driven overachievement: the survival strategy that later becomes the wound

Why success and visibility amplify rejection instead of ending it

The "diet soda version of yourself" — how fear makes you show up watered-down

How to build confidence at work using rejection as exposure therapy

The regret-minimization framework for deciding whether to take the risk

How to quiet your inner critic and catch all-or-nothing self-talk

Recovering from a bad review or a lower-than-usual score

How to handle rejection as a leader — and why eight publisher rejections were a gift

"Share is a way to repair" — how talking openly steals rejection's power

Job hugging: taking career risks and negotiating in a tough job market

"I'm either going to win or I'm going to learn"

Connect with Selena:
Website: selenarezvani.com
LinkedIn / Instagram / TikTok: @selenarezvani
Books: Quick Confidence and Quick Leadership

Chapters:
00:00 "The first rejection I remember came from me" — self-rejection
04:31 Trauma and overachievement at work
09:15 Confidence, self-advocacy, and self-leadership
11:29 Why success amplifies rejection
15:47 Fear of rejection at work — the "diet soda" self
21:34 "Write the book you wish existed"
29:00 Recovering from a bad review — the keynote that stung
35:56 Quieting your inner critic and black-and-white thinking
44:01 Eight publisher rejections — the gift
49:00 Job hugging and career risk in a tough market
53:59 "I'm either going to win or I'm going to learn"

This episode discusses ADHD, rejection sensitivity, and mental health. It is educational and not a substitute for professional care.
What if being "too nice" was never a personality flaw — but your nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do to stay safe?
Everyone who loves Alice has told her the same thing: be more assertive! Nobody ever explained how. In this solo episode she chases down her million-dollar question — how a self-described self-sacrificer with ADHD and rejection sensitive dysphoria actually learns to speak up. 
Alice's reframe: people pleasing isn't a moral failing, it's trauma-driven behaviour. The link between ADHD and people pleasing runs through rejection sensitivity, emotional dysregulation, and masking — the quiet acceptance that turns "I guess I'll do the dishes" into years of swallowed resentment. She walks through what took her from being the roommate who never said a word to the woman who now asks a table to move over.
She's clear she's not a psychologist, so this is the research talking: a 2024 study linking ADHD symptoms to higher rejection sensitivity, a finding that over 90% of adults with ADHD mask socially, a 2025 Lancet Psychiatry review on medication and emotional regulation, Russell Ramsay's work on perfectionism and emotional reasoning, Steven Hayes' acceptance work, and Marsha Linehan's DBT — including a line-by-line ride through the DEAR MAN script you can use in a hard conversation.
Whether you've never once sent food back, or you're mid-recovery and still get the RSD flare-ups, this is a practical, research-backed reframe of what assertiveness is actually for.
In this episode Alice explores:
Why "being more assertive" is useless advice without a method

The roommate era that broke her go-with-the-flow approach

Is people-pleasing a sign of ADHD?

Rejection sensitivity, emotional dysregulation, and masking

The 2024 study tying ADHD symptoms to higher rejection sensitivity, and why RSD makes criticism land harder

Why over 90% of adults with ADHD mask

Calm the storm first: the 2025 Lancet Psychiatry review on ADHD medication and emotional regulation

Catch the lie your brain is telling you — Russell Ramsay on perfectionism and emotional reasoning

You don't have to win the argument with the thought — Steven Hayes and the ACT reframe

DEAR MAN, decoded line by line — Marsha Linehan's DBT script for asking and saying no without fawning

Sources:https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s12888-022-043566https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0165178125001994https://doi.org/10.1007/s10608-020-10115-2
https://www.cbt4adhd.com Source: 2025 ACT systematic review(https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/09727531241300741).Source: Linehan (2015) DBT Skills Training Manual; controlled DEAR MAN study (https://scholarworks.wmich.edu/dissertations/742/).Neff self-compassion research index (https://self-compassion.org/the-research/).
Connect with Alice: 
Website: hustlingwriters.com
Instagram: @alicedraper
LinkedIn: Alice Draper
Email: alice@hustlingwriters.com. 
Chapters:
00:00 "Be more assertive" — the advice with no instructions
01:05 The roommate era: going with the flow curdles into resentment
02:30 From silent to the one who asks the table to move over
03:20 Is people pleasing a part of ADHD?
04:10 Rejection sensitivity, emotional dysregulation, and the 90% who mask
05:15 Step one: calm the storm — medication, DBT, psychiatric care first
06:40 Step two: catch the lie — Ramsay on perfectionism and emotional reasoning
07:45 Step three: don't delete the thought — Hayes and the ACT reframe
08:40 Step four: get a script — Marsha Linehan and DEAR MAN, line by line
11:20 Why a script feels terrifying at first — and stops feeling that way
12:15 Step five: be kind to yourself after the no — Harvard on self-compassion
13:10 Repetition over getting it right: still flaring, doing the hard thing anyway
14:00 A note to the listener: this room, and reaching out

What if saying "no worries" a thousand times was never politeness,  but a survival strategy your brain built to dodge rejection?
Alice wants the answer to be yes: is people pleasing a sign of ADHD? First she reframes herself,  not a people pleaser but a "recovering self-sacrificer." Pleasing from love is a gift. Pleasing because you're terrified of being a burden is something else. If you've ever wondered whether pleasing people is part of ADHD, this one's for you.
Alice's reframe: the science on ADHD and people pleasing is messier than the internet admits. People pleasing isn't in the ADHD criteria, and no study pins it directly on the condition, so "is people pleasing an ADHD trait?" doesn't have a clean yes. But ADHD is tied to a stack that can build a self-sacrificer: rejection sensitivity, emotional dysregulation, and masking.
The stack: a 2024 study links ADHD symptoms to higher rejection sensitivity. Dysregulation makes feelings hit harder and linger. Over 90% of ADHD adults mask,  the ADHD masking and people pleasing overlap is real. Add thousands more negative comments before age ten, and appeasing looks less like a flaw than a rational way to limit the hits. For a lot of ADHD women especially, pleasing people becomes the default long before anyone names it.
Whether you're living adult ADHD and people pleasing, exploring the RSD and ADHD people pleasing link, or trying to understand someone who is, this is an honest, uncertain look at where the evidence stands, grain of salt included, therapist's blessing pending. Next week: how to stop pleasing people when you have ADHD.
In this episode Alice explores:
Why "recovering self-sacrificer" is a truer label than "people pleaser"

Is people pleasing related to ADHD — or something else entirely?

Why the confident online take — "people pleasing is just ADHD" — outruns the science

Rejection sensitivity, and the 2024 study linking it to ADHD symptoms

RSD, ADHD and people pleasing — how rejection sensitive dysphoria feeds the cycle

Emotional dysregulation — when feelings hit harder and take longer to settle

ADHD masking and people pleasing: the study where 90%+ of ADHD adults hide themselves socially

Why ADHD women and people pleasing so often go hand in hand

How "yes, that's fine" becomes a survival mechanism when disapproval feels catastrophic

ADHD and people pleasing in relationships — where the pattern shows up most

The overlap with trauma-world "fawning" — and why some of this may be childhood, not ADHD

Does ADHD cause people pleasing? Where the honest answer lands

A tease for next week — how to stop people pleasing with ADHD

Connect with Alice:
Website: hustlingwriters.com
Instagram: @alicedraper
LinkedIn: Alice Draper
Email: alice@hustlingwriters.com. 

Chapters:
00:00 "I am a people pleaser — and it might be because I have ADHD"
01:00 Why "recovering self-sacrificer" is the better term
02:00 Pleasing from love vs. pleasing at your own expense
03:00 The research deep dive — and a messier answer than expected
04:00 Rejection sensitivity and the 2024 study
05:00 Emotional dysregulation and masking (90%+ of ADHD adults)
06:00 Stacking it up — when appeasing becomes survival
07:00 RSD and 10,000 negative comments before age ten
08:00 The fawning overlap — ADHD, or early childhood?
09:00 Where this leaves us: a pattern, not a proven fact
10:00 Next week's episode, and one ask for listeners